God urges us to grieve over sin and let him comfort us when we weep in sorrow. Yet I have heard terms disparaging crying, such as “Big boys don’t cry,” and “Ugly tears.” Some crying is ugly when the one crying does so in self pity or self-centered anger. Yet true sorrow is beautiful to the Lord, even if our face turns red and our make-up smears. I am concerned that this disparagement of tears causes many people to do what the British call, “Keeping a stiff upper lip,” that denies all pain. Denying our sorrow only causes it to fester, and this grieves our Heavenly Father who wants us to bring our sorrows to him. But we cannot do that until we stop denying and instead acknowledge what hurts us, even if others say we should not feel sad about the matter. They are sinning against us and against the Lord who made us. Only God knows what hurts our hearts, and we have a right to cry, first before him, and second with true, gentle friends. Please join me as I expose the lie that all crying is ugly and instead invite you to be your true self in Christ, and cry whenever you need to.
Let us differentiate the self pity and self-centered angry tears from tears of true sorrow. Selfish tears are not pleasing to God. When someone angrily demands her way in matters that hurt others or neglects them and then cries that she cannot get that way, this person does not please our Father. We are never to take from others or neglect them. The anger and self pity that brings on those tears comes from our sin nature, and that nature always leads to death (Romans 6:23, “For the wages of sin is death.”)
But too many people judge others by claiming they should not feel sad about matters that genuinely hurt them and God. Yes, I meant that God gets hurt when we get hurt. Too many people claim we should not feel sad about a matter that God himself is sad about. For example, John 11:35, “Jesus wept,” when he saw Mary and Martha and their friends weeping at their brother Lazarus’s tomb. Another time, a man suffered great sorrow over his withered hand, yet when Jesus saw him and could have healed him, Jewish leaders opposed that healing, because it was the Sabbath. These Pharisees had no compassion for the man’s sadness and pain. Yet Jesus was sad for the man’s physical suffering. Mark 3:5 says, “He looked around at them angrily and was deeply saddened by their hard hearts. Then he said to the man, ‘Hold out your hand.’ So the man held out his hand, and it was restored!” Jesus was not happy that the Pharisees made light of this man’s sadness and suffering. Jesus was sad and angry about it, and he acted with compassion to relieve that man’s sorrow.
Do you realize that Jesus can become angry when someone makes light of your sorrow and pain? You do not need to make light of your hurts, and you can rebuke anyone who tells you to make light of them. The man with the withered arm was not remembered for moping about and making everyone else miserable because of his suffering. But that man also did not hide in a dark corner, denying his pain. Instead he had bravely come to the Synagogue, where Jesus found him on that Sabbath day. While we may not tell everyone we are hurting, we also do not have to hide the truth, whether we are hurting physically or emotionally. If we slip into tears by mistake, even if we are in public, we must not feel ashamed. God gave us those feelings, and they are no source of shame, even if some tears slip out in public.
It is no disgrace to cry in public when you are strongly moved. After the abrupt and unexpected death of my father, I sometimes slipped into silent tears when I was in public for the first few weeks. I did not mope and complain to everyone who saw me, but I also could not hide my sorrow. If a stranger had asked why the tears were there, I should not have felt shame in admitting I missed my recently deceased father.
Over and over the Scriptures urge us to grieve. Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is near to the broken hearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” Matt.5:4 says, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” Even when we are not sure if we are crying because of godly grief, or if we suspect our tears are selfish, come to God anyway. He can sort out what is true and what is not. Often your tears will be sincere, not self pity or anger against others. More often women judge themselves as being too emotional, or too demanding. They assume the sorrow they feel is selfish, as if meeting their needs and desiring healthy relationships is selfish. These are legitimate needs God gives us. He wants us to take care of ourselves. He wants us to have friends. In Eden, God said it was not good for Adam to be alone, so he made an equal partner of Eve (Gens.2:18.) Furthermore, Hebs.10:25a says, “Not neglecting to meet together,” as a warning to not isolate ourselves from other believers. And when we do get together, 1 Thess.5:11 tells us, “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.”
So much of our sorrow is not selfish, and the tears accompanying them are godly. When we are lonely, we will grieve, and this grief is not selfish. When someone we love disrespects us, this also hurts us and disappoints God. When we lose something we dreamed about, even if God is the one taking it, we may still cry. We may not cry out of selfishness, but simply in the pain of not knowing what God does want. We may feel hurt and lonely because we have not yet achieved what God does intend for us. Remember God does not tell us every single direction for each second of the day. He directs us to pray about everything, but there are times when we have to use our best judgment, but that judgment may fail us. It can really hurt to make mistakes of judgment, even if they are small like opening up and using the wrong paint and then realizing we have to make the long drive back to the store to buy another expensive can.
When we are tired, hungry and lonely, we will also be so much more prone to cry, at times partly out of pain, and partly out of exhaustion. As females, our hormones may also make us more sensitive and more prone to cry. In all of these circumstances, God understands our human weaknesses. He knows we get hurt, and he welcomes our tears.
Wisely, we may not cry in front of some people who judge us. I already shared that my sister told me I was insane for grieving so readily over my broken father-daughter relationship. My father was still alive, and I was only in my twenties. My sister did not approve of that grief. But my counselor urged me to continue to grieve and tell the Lord, and cry with him too. I did find good, safe friends who understood the healing process, and by God’s grace, he did heal me of that suppressed pain. I overcame an addiction to extreme sugar—and addiction that had plagued me for about a decade. I may have sounded insane to my sister, but my healing became physically visible as I gradually and effortlessly lost about 30 pounds, and kept them off for the rest of my life, with no more years-long binges on sugary foods. The proof was in my changed life. The grief had not been an act of insanity but of healing. But as you can see in this example, there are people who will challenge your tears and even judge them.
It is God whom we can trust. He permits us to grieve, as in John 16:22, “So with you; now is your time of grief.” He permits his disciples to grieve over their temporary loss of him. He has even more to say about our sorrow. For example, Rev. 21:4 says, “He will wipe every tear from their eyes.” God will be aware of our sorrow and not shame it but comfort it. Furthermore, 1 Peter5:7 says that you should be “Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.” Notice, God does not say he scolds us or says our anxieties are foolish or nothing to fear, or nothing to cry over. So if God comforts us, what does he tell us to do with others who also grieve? Romans 12:15b says, “Mourn with those who mourn.”
I am dismayed by people who sin by minimize the emotional and physical pain of others. When they tell others, “That didn’t hurt. Stop crying,” they are actually telling the griever to disobey God. Most people don’t even recognize this sin. But it is a sin to tell someone to stop grieving when her heart is still in pain. All of those prior verses I shared show how God wants us to come to him as we grieve. He never denies the pain, and he never tells us to not cry. He tells us to cry. Psalm 51:17 says, “The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God.” Although David was grieving over his own sin (and not sorrow others had inflicted upon him) God still counted that sorrow as a sacrifice, because David was bringing it to God.
Never believe the lie that God is bothered by your tears or even that crying is weak or a sin. Demanding a person not cry is a sin. Never forget that God wants to comfort you (Isaiah 66:13, “As a mother comforts her child, so I will comfort you.”) Not crying is not a strength but a weakness others have tried to force upon you since you were little. Do not believe those liars. God wants to comfort you, and your tears will help you to heal when you bring them to Him.
Thanks for joining us in this week’s post. I pray we have blessed you, and if you have questions, please let me know. Perhaps I can join God in comforting you too.