…finding contentment with our own life’s path
Control-freak, codependent, and many other names describe people who mean well but end up controlling others, even though God has a better plan for us. When we see others struggling, we may want to help but end up trying to fix them instead of encouraging them. They end up resenting us, and we end up neglecting our own lives. When we resist the urge to fix or control others, we have peace to work at the job God gives us. So please join me as I contrast our tendency to rescue others instead of living the rich, full life God wants for us.
Often very kind people fall into the sin of controlling another person, because they hate to see their loved one suffering. Initially another person may ask for the help, and it is appropriate for a very young child to ask for most of her needs to be met by others. But at some point, a person needs to carry her own load (Gals.6:5, “For each should carry his own load.”) and she will either grow accustomed to the “helper” doing too much for her, or she may even resent the help. The “help” eventually seems more like control, and it is.
Sometimes the other person doesn’t ask for help, but we think he (or she) is not living his life well enough, and thus we need to offer help. This is the worst way to “help,” because the other person will definitely resent what we think is help. He may even think we insulted him (or her) implying he cannot live his life on his own, or that we think he is stupid.
To complicate matters, while Gals.6:5 tells us to carry our own load, Gals.6:2 says, “Carry each others’ burdens, and in this way fulfill the law of Christ,” so controllers may think we should control others or do their work. If we understand that the burden in verse 2 is like a boulder, huge and too heavy for one person, we can contrast it with the burden in verse 5 that is similar to a personal backpack (hence something one person can carry on his own.)
We suffer the worst pain in controlling others when we neglect the life God wants us to live. This often makes us angry with the person we thought we were helping. But this anger can warn us that we are not living a balanced life. We need to ask God to clarify the job he gave us and to determine its parameters. We need to spend patient time with God. We cannot rush Him to tell us everything he wants us to do, but we can enjoy his companionship while we spend quiet time with him learning his will for us.
We can learn about ourselves, our likes and dislikes, our temperament and preferences, as we spend time with God. Sometimes we really do not know what we want, what we do not like or who we are. We may have spent so much time trying to please others that we believe we like whatever they say we like. We may have neglected our hearts and minds to the point, we think we should have the same preferences they have.
This is not just theory. My father’s favorite color was blue. When I was very young, I desperately wanted to please him, so when he said he thought my favorite color was blue too, I agreed with him. But purple had always been my favorite color, and I had even told him this. My mom did not believe in “different personalities,” and so she expected me to act and think like her. I felt ashamed of my creative mind, strong sense of curiosity, passion for nature and wildlife, love of dancing, and my tender heart for hurting people. My mom expected me to be sensible and cool headed like her. I tried to be that person, but I felt lost and defective. I rushed around trying to please her (even dyed my hair brunette once, because she had dark hair) but this never pleased my mom, because she intuitively sensed I was still different. And I was miserable.
When I learned that different personalities truly existed, and that there were people like me, I felt charged and alive and very thankful to God that I was not a mistake but a delight to him. But I had become so used to trying to please others and then fix some people too, that I still did not put sufficient effort into living the life God had called me to live. This impacted my dating (often NOT dating, as I did not trust men), and delaying my marriage until I was 31, and even then marrying a very abusive man who not too longer after the marriage divorced me. My second marriage did not occur until I was 41. I really did not know myself, and I either tried to fix others, or I let them boss me around.
But learning that God is delighted to give us a calling of our very own was a source of great joy to me. As I have matured, I have considered what I truly like, from small desires like gardening to the bigger things like advocating for hurting people and helping them find mentors, to discipling younger women, and many other soulful things. I now find pure joy in my life. Yes, it can be hard. I am a mom of teen girls, and they have their ups and downs. I am married to a man who can be difficult. Yet I feel God’s love as I live my life.
I enjoy my church and serving in their children’s ministry. I enjoy my neighbors and reaching out to them. I enjoy my women friends and calling them, emailing them and visiting them. My life is relatively simple now compared to my hurried life as a single woman. But I am living the life God called me to do, and when I resist the urge to fix the people around me, I feel great joy.
Do I fall back into trying to fix others and end up controlling them or else letting them control me? At times yes. But I have worked on open and honest relationships with my friends and family. Now they either call me on my fixing/controlling behavior directly, or a friend sees what I am doing and then she reminds me privately about how I am doing too much for someone. She challenges me, and I realize she is right. I am so thankful for their honesty (Proverbs 27:6, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend.”)
You can also have a joyful life, doing exactly what God has called you to do. If you feel frustrated and people around you don’t appreciate your hard work, you may have accidentally fallen into fixing them. You may also need to let go of the control. You may need to ask God to help you face your fear of letting go that way. You may need to entrust the people you control into God’s hands and trust him to help them live their lives in the way he wants. This does not mean we do not help others. God can help us determine whether we are controlling/fixing others or simply offering them truly needed help. The Holy Spirit helps us to know the difference. We just need sufficient quiet time With God to know His will (Psalm 46:10, “Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations; I will be exalted in the earth!”) Let God be exalted in your quiet time and really listen to him. He wants to clarify your job and its parameters, so you do what he wants you to do (which will be what you want to do too) and not what you think you are forced to do (the fixing/controlling of others.) God can set you free to live the rich, satisfying life he has for you (John 10:10 The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich satisfying life.”) That life may still be hard, but you will feel peace, purpose and joy as you live it; I know, because this has happened for me and to others who have done the same.
May the Lord bless you this week as you live the rich, satisfying life God has called you to live and lay aside any people-pleasing and controlling behavior to live this rich life. Thanks for joining us in this week’s post.