If we don’t acknowledge our weakness, we cannot find God’s mercy. In the last two week’s posts I looked at God’s high esteem of us and our spiritual blind spots, and in this week’s post, I tie both of these concepts together. We feel God’s high esteem when we are totally vulnerable with him. When we pretend to be someone we are not, (as is often the case with spiritual blind spots) we cannot feel God’s mercy, and then we do not feel God’s esteem either. God has not stopped loving us, but by being fake, we block God’s love with our masks. Please join me as I look at how we can bravely expose our weaknesses to God and then readily receive his mercy.
The more vulnerable we are with ourselves and with God, the more we can feel his mercy for those weaknesses. I would not say we need to be “brutally honest,” but rather, “bravely honest,” because it takes courage to admit to our weaknesses when we live in a world that values strength and perfection. Even in Jesus’ day, to be called meek and humble was an insult. Today people still count kindness as a weakness to be exploited. So if a woman admits she has flaws and weaknesses, her enemies want to take advantage of her. But God is never your enemy, and he will tenderly accept your weaknesses, but you have to be the first one to admit to those weaknesses.
God will not force you to admit you are weak. In John chapter 16, Jesus’ disciples were struggling to understand him when he said he would go away from them and then later return. They could not grasp his death, let alone his resurrection. In John 16:12-13 Jesus said, “There is so much more I want to tell you, but you can’t bear it now. When the Spirit of Truth comes, he will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on his own but will tell you what he has heard. He will tell you about the future.” Jesus actually said they could not bear to hear the truth he was trying to tell them, and we are like that today too. Sometimes we are so weak (and hard headed and hard hearted) that we cannot bear to know the truth the Lord tries to tell us, so he does not answer us.
There was a time when I thought I wanted to know the truth. I told God I wanted him to tell me if a choice I wanted to make was wrong. I thought God told me “Yes,” so I made the choice, but it was wrong. A friend asked me if I was angry with God for not correcting me. But I told her, I had a hard head and heart at the time. Like that verse, I could not bear to hear what Jesus wanted to tell me. So I did something God had not called me to do, even though I had begged him to tell me, “No,” if my choice was not in his will. I realize this sounds like the Holy Spirit let me down, but he did not. Just like the disciples with Jesus in chapter 16 of John, I could not bear the truth at that time. I needed to learn to better obey and listen to the Holy Spirit. I also had to be more honest with God about my weaknesses.
Later I began to admit I had deeply-seated mother issues that impacted my ability to form healthy relationships. Those issues tainted my ability to seek out healthy male friendships and romantic partners. But I did not realize I had these issues. I had worked so hard on my father-daughter relationship, that I thought I was healed and able to interact well with men in relationships. But I was wrong. I did not know that a poor mother-daughter relationship could also badly impact a romantic choice in men. Because my father-daughter relationship had been healed (as well as it could be, since my dad was never able to be as strong and loving as I needed a dad to be) I never thought I could still make bad choices in men. But I was wrong. Just like Jesus’ disciples, I could not bear the truth—at least at that earlier time.
Just like the disciples, I needed the Holy Spirit to lead me in the way of truth, just like it says in John 16:13. I needed to grieve over the pain I felt in my relationship with my mom. I needed to tell God every sad, angry, confused, and ashamed feeling I had so he could help me to heal. I needed to confess any way I had been wrong towards my mom, from denying her sins against me to judging her too harshly when I finally acknowledge those sins. I had to tell God so many things and listen as I sensed his answers. Sometimes I felt God convicting me of sin, but most often I sensed his sorrow for me over my mom’s neglect.
I felt such peace knowing God does not want a mother to allow her daughter’s father and brothers to strike and kick her and scream at her. God did not want my mom to refuse my pleas for hugs and affection. God did not make a mistake, giving me a nearly opposite personality from my mom. I sensed that God had wanted my mom to celebrate our differences and not shame me for them. I sensed that God delighted in my quirky personality, because he had purposely made me that way.
I also sensed that God grieved for my mom who, in her fear and pride, overlooked the ways she could have celebrated our differences and then enjoyed an intimate mother-daughter relationship with me. I grieved for my mom that she carried her fear and pride to the grave. She never got to know me deeply. We both missed out. I also sensed that my mom never got to feel all of God’s mercy and esteem, because she hid behind her mask of the perfect mother who never did anything wrong to her children. My mom must have felt so lonely, never willing (maybe even able) to tell me she was sorry, and then unable to tell God she was sorry and then receive his mercy.
My mom did many very good things as a mom, and I cherish those acts of sacrifice for me, her daughter. I grieved for me in what I lost, and I grieved for her too. She probably knew she had been wrong, but she never got to enjoy God’s forgiveness and mine. I could have comforted her for areas where she was afraid and ashamed. But, because she shamed me for even once telling her my fears and weaknesses, she felt I would shame her if she told me her fears and weaknesses, so she never did.
I would not have shamed her, because my dad did tell me he was sorry for the physical and verbal abuse, and I never shamed him. I praised his honesty and esteemed him even more highly after he confessed. I respected and honored him. Ironically my mom was there when I had my big confrontation with him. She saw how I was gentle and respectful with him then and in the decades after that confrontation. Somehow my mom just would not believe I would treat her so well too. Or maybe she was so afraid, she would not take the chance.
So she had to live with her lonely pride and all the fears she had of being exposed. My whole family loved and honored my mom. None of us would have shamed her for the neglect (which was worse for my sister and me.) We could have loved her even more if she had shared her fears and also offered an apology for the neglect. We already thanked her for the many things she did right. We knew she loved us. But we could not get as close to her, and she could not get as close to the Lord.
I learned all of this while I did tell God about my pain and sorrow, fears, and sins. As I told God my sorrow, I felt his love and esteem. I wish my mom could have known the joy she could have felt by acknowledging her weaknesses to us and to God. When we humble ourselves, God exalts us (Luke 18:14b, For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.”) My mom didn’t understand all of those truths. So it took me longer to learn them myself. Yet, as I told God everything, I felt such esteem from him. I began to better understand the Scriptures as I opened my heart to the Holy Spirit’s guidance. I also forgave myself for the sin and mistakes I made when I was too hard headed to be able to bear what Jesus wanted to tell me.
I am better able to forgive others the more I acknowledge my sins and then feel God’s forgiveness. Remember, in Luke 7:41 Jesus said, “Therefore I tell you, because her many sins have been forgiven, she has loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little.” The sinful woman in that verse had confessed all of her sins. She felt fully forgiven, so she lavished expensive perfume on Jesus. She embraced her weaknesses, and Jesus offered her mercy and then exalted her. She was highly esteemed by Jesus. How I pray that you will do the same with the Lord. Don’t hold back any of your weaknesses from him. Even when it hurts to admit to the truth, on the other side of all that pain, God offers you forgiveness and healing. And he will truly exalt you, even as Jesus highly esteemed the woman in that story in Luke.
I pray I have blessed you with this, at times heavy post, and that you have come away, not afraid, but hopeful about embracing ALL of your weaknesses and then offering them to Jesus. I feel such joy today, and I freely forgive those who hurt me. I have compassion and mercy for them, because I have received that compassion and mercy from Christ, and you can too. May the Lord bless you this week! Thanks for joining us in this post.