God is showing me I can have compassion for those who hurt me without surrendering my heart to further attacks. I don’t want to fall into two different but equally wrong responses to those who hurt me. I don’t want to run away, fearing or hating those who hurt me with no regard for their salvation. But I also don’t want to keep opening my heart to these people when they prove to be unsafe.
I briefly mentioned this concept of asking, “Are you having a bad day?” while offering compassion. However I did not offer compassion to my husband when I asked him that question last month. I was frustrated with his verbal tirade. I wanted him to see that his attack was needless, because he was actually upset about problems in his own life.
Although I was correct in my assessment, I had asked the question in anger, and not because I wanted him to open up and share what was bothering him. In essence my question must have felt like I was scolding him, and my heart tells me I was. He only became angrier. I had asked the question in my flesh, not from the heart of God.
God has challenged me ever since I asked that question. The question could have given me an opportunity to show kindness to my husband, if my heart had been right. It was not. I was still angry about the rude and harsh things my husband had said earlier. My heart was wounded, and I had not yet spent some time with God allowing him to comfort and calm me so I could better figure out how to address the situation. Sometimes God wants me to confront my husband, but at other times, God wants me to remain silent. When I listen to God’s leading, there is peace. When I act out in my flesh, conflict ensues.
My husband is very logic-based and private and prefers to talk about matters of the mind not the heart. Yet sometimes he will allow me to show him compassion. At those times, I need to express as much compassion as I can before he resumes his gruff side. Even when he becomes gruff again, so that I cannot be vulnerable with him, I can still be vulnerable with my beloved Lord. I can tell him my concerns and offer heartfelt prayers for my husband. Often God urges me to pray for my husband in ways my husband did not ask for, yet God shows me my husband needs.
If I let my anger color how I interact with my husband, even on the occasions when he is wrong and acting unjustly, then I cannot hear God’s tender voice for my husband. I act out this phrase, “Hurt people hurt people” (first “hurt” is an adjective, and the 2nd “hurt” is a verb.) When I am wounded, unless I let the Lord comfort and heal me, I lack compassion for others, and that might hurt them.
So if I plan to have compassion for those who hurt me, first I have to receive God’s compassion for me. I have to tell God how angry and hurt I feel. Often I feel the anger first. Once I sense God listening to my cry for justice (thus relieving my anger) and next hearing my cry for comfort (calming my grief over the attack) I can feel strong and merciful again. Then I can ask God for insight into the other person. Sometimes God reminds me of things that person has briefly said to me in the past. As I consider those words and phrases, often scattered across years of my times with that person, God helps me better understand the person who hurt me (unless it is a new acquaintance.)
Even if the other people are dead wrong in how they misbehave, I can still understand the motivation behind their actions. For example, a jealous woman might not see her own gifts and talents. She sees what the other person has (that she lacks) and she covets the other person’s gift to the point she may attack the one who possesses those gifts and skills. Although this is dead wrong, I can still have compassion for the sad state of this person’s life. If I have to deal with this person, and if this person is unrepentant, I can still point out her good qualities. I can encourage her and give her affirmation about the many things she does right or try to celebrate with her over the gifts God has given her. These gifts might be healthy children, a loving spouse with a good job, her academic talents and anything else I think of. Sometimes our kindness disarms a jealous person, and as she hears about her own gifts, she may begin to take her mind off of what I have that she lacks and instead celebrate her own gifts.
But some jealous people are so mean, we cannot get very close. We can still pray for that person to see her gifts and talents. If others mention her (or him) in our presence, we can speak of those qualities to others. Those kind words could be carried back to the jealous person.
Some people are insecure, and they attack us because they don’t believe in themselves. We might win some of them to our side, but many will be cruel forever or at least until they can no longer deny the truth anymore. God does not call us to surrender our hearts to unkind people. Some people have temporary lapses into sin, and we can readily receive them back after they did something that briefly hurt us. They did not betray us. But others are so cruel, God does not want us to waste our precious hearts on them. Jesus says this in Matt.7:6: “Don’t waste what is holy on people who are unholy. Don’t throw your pearls to pigs! They will trample the pearls, then turn and attack you.” In Psalm 22:20 King David said, “Deliver me from the sword, my precious life from the power of the dogs.” Calling people pigs and dogs sounds harsh, but both Jesus and David referred to hateful people who scorn the Gospel and believers. These people may hate us so much they will not let us do anything kind for them.
Yet, while we cannot get close to cruel people, we can always pray for them. Whether they have given us insights into their lives through earlier conversations we have had with them, or the Holy Spirit whispers into our ears, we can pray for these people in ways they may have never asked for but they need. Sometimes our compassion remains invisible to our enemies. But our prayers are powerful and a great gift for these cruel people. Matt.26:39 promises, “The prayer of a righteous man {or woman} is powerful and effective.” We don’t even need to tell our enemies we are praying for them, if God urges us to keep quiet about these prayers. We must never under-value the power of our prayers for unsafe people with whom we can no longer associate. We can still bless these enemies.
And for people who have rough edges but are not cruel, God can guide us as to how much we can interact with them. God will let us know how to have compassion for people who hurt us. They may demand we reconcile. But they do not speak the voice of God. He has gentle plans for our lives that never include reconciling with unrepentant and cruel people. Yet through our prayers, we can still offer them compassion. God can let us know if this is a safe person to reconcile with or not. Then we can stand firmly in our decision, because God has confirmed it to us in our heart.
I pray we have blessed you with this brief post. Thanks for joining us today. If God has shown you some amazing ways to have compassion for those who hurt you, please let me know. I love to hear from my readers and grow from what God is doing in your lives too. Have a blessed and peaceful week.