You Matter: God says so, and so do your loved ones!

I don’t know any other way to begin this post than to reaffirm this title, “You Matter!”  Every woman and younger gal out there matters.  But what happens when a gal is working so hard, she is taking care of everyone but herself?  What if she has a family member (son or daughter, sibling, husband or friend) who is suffering physically or emotionally or mentally, so that she and others direct all their attention to this loved one who is suffering?  The care taker is often neglected, as if she does NOT matter.  What if she is working full time, yet also doing all or most of the cooking, especially when many hungry people eat that food, so she must cook so much and so often?  Won’t she wear out?  What if she does the dishes and cleans up too?

All of this hard work can make a woman (or younger gal) feel unimportant, instead of feeling needed.  Whether she works outside the home and then comes home to this work (and mess) or has to live with the mess as a stay-at home wife, she may not feel supported. Yet she may not feel so much resentment as simply feeling invisible.  Perhaps others don’t even ask her if she is tired, or say, “Tonight you need a break, let me cook/wash the dishes.”  To have her tiredness seen and valued would help. But what if no one notices how she feels, physically and emotionally?  What if no one asks how she feels?  What if she loses touch with her own feelings (or numbs them) until she no longer knows what she is feeling or knows what she wants?

What if she is single, and she does her best to be available to friends, whether to be the shoulder to cry on, the one friends vent their frustrations to, or the one who works too hard at a job (whether she is paid or she is a volunteer) where people do not appreciate her work?  What if she is doing most of the giving, but not receiving back?

If her family members or friends do not notice all the hard work she does, and if she is helping someone who is hurting, she may feel all she does is give.  But over time, she will have true physical pain (from problems with her hormones, or arthritis or from an injury or other things).  And she will also have emotional pain, if no one is really listening to her.

She may have spent so much time helping others, encouraging them, but not receiving back that she feels she has no one to talk to. Perhaps others felt she was the “Always happy one,” and they believe she should never be hurt or angry.  In fact, some friends mostly want to vent or cry or complain, but they don’t want to hear this woman (gal) sharing her heart, perhaps at times her own frustrations. 

Simply being a giver can wear a woman out.  We know this is true of Martha in the Bible, where she put so much effort into a lavish dinner for Jesus.  Martha forgot to just sit still and listen to Jesus, her beloved Lord.  We find her story in both Luke 10:38-42 and John 12:2.  Martha did finally cry out, but it was to scold Jesus and Mary, because Mary (Martha’s sister) was not helping. Jesus had to rebuke Martha and let her know she was worrying too much, doing too much, while Mary was right to just listen to Jesus. We may learn from this story that it is OK to tell people who ask too much of us, that we need to do less.  We need never feel guilty about cutting back, when we begin to feel forgotten, overlooked and overworked, like Martha felt.  Sometimes a simple ham sandwich and some baby carrots are a good enough meal to offer others when we are tired and low on time.  And anyone who tries to shame the gal who offers such a humble meal needs to know this gal has a right to NOT be a frustrated Martha.

Although Martha was doing too much in that story, not all women do too much.  Sometimes others really need us, at least in the physical sense of giving (some food, some help around the house).  Yet even then, whenever we can simplify what we do, we can still be 100% right with God.  No one should shame a gal for beginning to simplify her life.  And perhaps we are not asking for enough GENUINE help, not the elaborate help Martha wanted, but help we truly need.  Could a family member do some of the chores too?  Are we letting them get away with doing too little while we do too much?  Please never let others manipulate you or shame you into doing too much.  I know I have fallen for this, and my wiser friends have been teaching me to be aware of those who want to take too much but give too little.

We can ask the Holy Spirit to tell us when our giving is unbalanced (at times we may even be the one taking too much, although those  reading this are less likely to do so).  Sometimes we don’t get an answer right away, but we gradually learn to do what some call, “setting healthy boundaries,” which is simply a fancy way of saying figuring out what we really need to do and what others are capable of doing (and thus helping us to do.)

Most important of all is our heart.  We have a right to find a good friend to talk to, where we can confess our angers and hurts.  I do not believe in what some call “venting” where an angry gal (or guy) spouts on and on about her anger towards another person and recalls incidence after incidence of offense she feels this person has caused her.  She claims she feels hurt, but her real emotion is raw anger and even revenge in that she is saying this person is bad, and she only sees the wrong in this person.  This level of anger is fleshly, because it goes on and on and never looks for an answer or desires to forgive the offender.  This harmful anger pretends to be godly by saying, “I am hurt,” when this person is harming another by saying the other person is bad.  We are all bad in our flesh. 

In a few simple sentences we can tell our friend how we were hurt.  But if we end our conversation saying, “Ah, I feel better. I told you how awful that person is and I have all that anger off my chest,” that is an unhealthy conversation and it is an unhealthy way of venting.  Perhaps the whole term venting is one of bad words. 

We can (and our friends can do this too) express our anger and hurt about how another person harmed us to a safe friend, but only if we can sincerely say, “I want to be right with the Lord, and my anger is intense.  I need to forgive this person, even though my anger does not want to forgive.  I need to pray for this person’s salvation (or repentance if the offender is a true believer).”  We can briefly express our anger to the safe (very private friend).  Then we can more quickly get back to what we need the Lord to do in our life.  And we can more readily pray for that other person (and forgive him or her). 

But in the opposite direction, if we have friends who are venting and not truly seeking God’s forgiveness for that person, we can be crushed by their anger.  I have had friends like that, and I had to pull away.  I needed to matter!  I did not feel I mattered when I had to listen to such vitriol, with no hope of praying for my friend’s offender.  Week after week, hearing that tore me down.  I did not feel I mattered.  And as is often the case with such friendships, I really was not as important to my friend as I was “important to listen to her venting.”  That was the main way she valued me.

There are many ways in which a gal may feel she does not matter.  So what does God say about us? The Scriptures are full of passages about God’s concern for us.  One of my favorite passages is from Zephaniah 3:17.  God actually sings over us!  The passage says, “The Lord your God is with you.  He is mighty to save.  He will take great delight in you.  He will quiet you with his love. He will rejoice over you with singing.”  I know how much my daughters mean to me.  Sometimes I actually sing over them, because I am so happy to see them in the morning. To think God would delight in me this way amazes me, even after all these years of being a Christian.  Life beats me down, so God’s love lifts me up with joy.

I have memorized verses about God’s love, because I need to know I matter to him!  I suspect that Satan really wanted to hurt women when he went after Eve in the Garden of Eden.  And when Adam blamed Eve instead of defending her, perhaps the devil rejoiced in Eve’s becoming “someone who does not matter.”  Of course she did matter, but perhaps she did not feel important when her own husband blamed instead of defended her.

There are so many other passages about God’s love for us and ones that show how valuable we are to him, so I’ll just list a few right here, before I close:

Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the thoughts I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”

Psalm 139:16-17, “Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them. How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them!” 

 Matthew 10:29-31, “Are not two sparrows sold for a copper coin? And not one of them falls to the ground apart from your Father’s will. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.”

John 14:2-3, “In My Father’s house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also.” 

Revelation 21:3-4, “Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and He will dwell with them, and they shall be His people. God Himself will be with them and be their God. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.” 

1 John 3:1, “See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are.”

Ephesians 1:6-8, “Now all praise to God for his wonderful kindness to us and his favor that he has poured out upon us because we belong to his dearly loved Son. So overflowing is his kindness toward us that he took away all our sins through the blood of his Son, by whom we are saved; and he has showered down upon us the richness of his grace – for how well he understands us and knows what is best for us at all times.”

Not all people are “safe” for us to share our heart.  They might judge us if we say we feel we do not matter.  They might harshly scold us, or tell us to, “Snap out of it.  Don’t feel that way.  Be a tough Christian and just believe you do matter.”  But if we need someone to listen to our feelings, these people have just shut us up.  When we need to share, their abrupt manner and judgment only quench our thirst for Christian fellowship.

And that desire for someone to listen to us when we are hurting is sincere and Biblical.  Remember that 1 Sam. 23:16 says, “And Saul’s son Jonathan went to David at Horesh and helped him find strength in God.”  We see how David dearly needed to be encouraged, and his best friend came and did so.  Romans 12:15 says, “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.”  Scolding those who mourn is not a Biblical option!  But it is an honest statement for someone to say, “I do not know what to say,” after hearing someone is grieving.  That would be a better reply if a woman feels she does not have enough mercy to mourn with her hurting sister, rather than scolding the hurting sister with such abrupt answers.  So, when you meet those who feel they are not compassionate, please feel free to let them know you would prefer if they didn’t say anything if they cannot offer comfort.

Safe people who have the gift of compassion and mercy will feel blessed by your heart and vulnerability.  Like a valuable flower, they will hold your feelings in their hands (figuratively) with care.  They will listen to your heart and care about you. They will be quick to reassure you that they value you.  If they have the time right then, they will listen to you.  And if they have to go somewhere soon, they will get your phone number or email and contact you later when they can give you more time.  They will pray for you during the week.  We cannot be close friends with everyone.  We do need to find a few safe friends with whom we can share our deepest feelings.  Yet I pray that in our churches, we can still offer comfort, at the least a compassionate reply, when a gal is hurting and admits she feels that way. 

Maybe we cannot get too close to her if we already have too many other people in our lives.  We may offer up an immediate prayer, and sincerely mean it but not be available to become a close friend.  Yet there will be a gal who does have time for her—for you if you are the one who feels you do not matter.  I pray over every post, and I pray, daily for all of my readers.  But I will be praying over this post very specifically that for those of you who are hurting and need someone to really listen, that God would direct you to the right, safe person who cherishes you and your words.  God is listening too!

Thanks for joining us in this post.  I do pray we have blessed you and encouraged you to be honest with a safe person and share your feelings!  Share them with the Lord too, because he is the safest person (being God)!  He dearly cherishes you!