Why do some people purposely shame us but do so secretly? I discussed those people last week in my post “Harm of Hidden Shame,” so be sure to read it. While some people accidentally shame us, others do so with malicious intent. Let’s look at the many facets of why and how these people deceive and shame us so we can better understand them and avoid their trap.
First, these deceptive shamers are not true Christians, though many pretend to be. They may even think there are levels of the Christian faith, and they fit one of those levels. This is false, but some people think they are just not the “Good” or “strict” Christians (who love God and serve him.) They think they can disregard God’s laws, not serve and truly love him but still be some kind of Christians, simply because they attend church and do a few “works” to impress others and claim this means loving him. Jesus addressed people like that in Revelation3:15-16, “I know all the things you do, that you are neither hot nor cold. I wish you were one or the other! But since you are lukewarm water, I will spit you out of my mouth.” Not being a Christian, they are starved for true love, often not receiving it from their family of origin, and they are seared in conscience and unresponsive to the Holy Spirit. They worship themselves, not God.
They have not confessed their sin to God, so they are angry they still suffer the consequences of their sin and still feel grief from pain their families inflicted upon them. Because they won’t admit to anything they did wrong in their family of origin, nor admit their family hurt them, they won’t accept God’s mercy, forgiveness, healing and joy. They are 100% void of true joy. They can only enjoy the fleeting happiness (or happy feeling) during a situation or happening that pleases them. Being addicts (at least addicted to false love,) they lack God’s true joy and love, and they try to fill their God void with temporary fixes. But these are only vapors that evaporate when they chose people for their fix. They will not accept the true nature of the people they use, so they try to force them to become changelings of the user’s choice.
The used woman (sometimes a man too) will eventually rebel and leave or run out of strength and not be able to give too much anymore. Or she will die or be abandoned by the user since she has nothing left to give this user. Then he will go on to find his next victim to suck the life out of her.
This is not true of genuine but misguided Christians, like my mom who accidentally shamed me. These Christians have wrong ideas, but they do love the person they are shaming. They actually want to help the other person they are judging and shaming. But their efforts hurt, because they are wrong. These people may repent if they are not too prideful, like my dad who did repent of his judging me. The user-shamer will never repent unless he surrenders to God’s conviction of his sin nature. Most often this user will not repent. He will seek weak people to support the lie that he is a generous and loving person when he is not. He believes he needs the approval of a crowd and will select a group of people whom he does not use. Instead he tries to keep them around as his “fans.” He may simply treat the people he doesn’t use with less disdain, somehow realizing he had better not suck the life out of them, or he will have no one left to be with him. But his relationships with those people will never be deep, vulnerable, loving and mutually trusting.
The abuser was hurt by his parents but did not confront them, because he fears offending them. He still hopes for the love his parents didn’t give him. As a result, he grew up emotionally and spiritually hungry. Because he was not emotionally fed by his parents, he now seeks others to suck the life out of them. He believes others owe him what he didn’t receive and thus he becomes as cold and abusive or neglectful as his own parents. Sadly this is the kind of life God warned about when he said “Visiting the inequity of the fathers upon the children and the children’s children to the third and fourth generation,” Exodus 20:5. God does not mean this person cannot stop being abusive and break this cycle of shaming and using people. God simply means that many people do not want to face the pain of admitting they were hurt by their parents, nor admitting to any part of their sin in hating those abusive parents. I had to admit my dad caused me pain and also admit to sin I committed through unrighteous anger in my heart, even when I never told my dad how angry I was. But angry people who have been abused become very prideful.
This person would rather ignore his pain and then go out and find someone to rescue or fix him, even though no human can actually fix another person. Since no human can fix another person, this man demands much more than another person can do and be. He demands his friend or mate become what she cannot be. I discussed this last week about the former spouse wanting to change me. Often this person knows he cannot overtly demand that much of another person, so he lies and insists he loves the other person. But he does not. He pretends to accept the other person as she is, until he feels he has lured her in so that she needs him. Then he begins to insult and shame her for not being what he really wants.
But as I said, eventually the victim of this shaming wakes up and fights back (or gets sick and dies or has so little left the shamer leaves her.) Either way, the bad relationship will eventually end.
The victim is never at fault for this shaming. If she wants to hold herself accountable for anything, she can repent before God of being naïve and not sufficiently seeking his will. But if she grew up in a shaming home (as I did) she would be very prone to fall into such a bad relationship. As she lets God’s mercy wash over her, she can find God’s healing and mercy. She can meet other Christian women who can offer her hope and remind her of how much the Lord loves her. But she must never accept the guilt the shamer tried to place upon her for not being more or doing more. Those lies are based upon the shamer’s belief that he had a right to demand too much of his victim.
We must lay all that pain at the Lord’s feet. Even he does not demand, “Do more,” when we are exhausted and have done enough. God knows our limits, (Psalm 103:14, “He knows our frame and knows we are but dust.”) The shame these deceivers place is not from God, and it is essential a gal see the difference between the abuser’s blame and God’s mercy. This man (and women deceive and shame for harm too) knew he was hurting his victim. This man does not speak for God, although many claim they do. The ex-spouse used to claim God wanted me to do all kinds of things God never called me to do. But remember, these men (and women) are deceivers, not true Christians.
It is their love-hunger (not true love) that drives them to sin. But God has an answer, although the abuser may not listen. Isaiah 8:20-22 “Look to God’s instructions and teachings! People who contradict his word are completely in the dark. They will go from one place to another, weary and hungry. And because they are hungry, they will rage and curse their king and their God. They will look up to heave and down to earth below, but wherever they look, there will be trouble, and anguish, and dark despair. They will be thrown out into the darkness.” These people need God’s word but do not seek Him. They are hungry, but they contradict God’s word, so they stay hungry. Then they hurt others, like the people described in those verses from Isaiah.
It takes humility to say, “I was hurt by my parents or other family members.” It takes humility to admit “I have had some unrighteous anger towards them.” It takes humility to say, “God, I cannot fill my love hunger. Please forgive my sins. Please come and fill me with your love.” Too many of the abused adult children of abusers will not humble themselves. They would rather use another person. This is why these deceivers shame others.
But now that we know why they do it, we need to ask God to help us recognize these users and confront them if they are already in our lives. If they will not repent, we need to either cut them off or if we must have them in our lives, severely limit our exposure to them. And if they are not part of our lives, we must avoid them, because these people will always lie, always take too much, and always shame. Ironically they are the opposite of God’s true love, 1Cor.13:4-7 “Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It is not proud. It is not rude. It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrong. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
I promise I am not being unduly harsh in saying we must avoid these people. In 1Cor.5:11, Paul says, “You are not to associate with anyone who claims to be a believer yet indulges in sexual sin, or is greedy, or worships idols, or is abusive, or is a drunkard, or cheats people. Don’t even eat with such people.” We have a right to avoid the harsh abusers.
This post is a bit heavy, and I pray I have encouraged you, even as I warn you about these people. While it is sad that they suffered under neglectful or abusive parents, these deceitful shamers are now adults, and God calls us to grow up and find his healing from our childhood wounds. They do not have an excuse for hurting others. God says he will heal us, but only if we repent and ask for his healing. These abusers have never surrendered to God, and they will hurt others until they surrender (unless they die in their sins.) God wants the best for us, and this means we get to walk away from these deceitful shamers. God does not shame us, as I explained in my post from 2 weeks ago, “God’s Generosity with Our Talents.” Be sure to read it, because I included some encouraging verses about how God loves us and does not shame us. And because he does not shame us, we are 100% right to refuse the shaming of these people.
Next week I will write more about forms of shaming we may not recognize, so we can walk away from those lies too. Please join us next week. I pray we have blessed you this week. Thanks for joining us in this post.