When we don’t understand or work through old problems, we repeat them, and these problems become “bad life patterns.” We hear of daughters of alcoholic fathers (or those with other addictions) who marry alcoholics, to the daughter’s regret. Women who have suffered other pain too can end up repeating mistakes over and over.
Why would a smart, savvy woman choose destructive relationships, jobs or any life style again when she knew the trouble the former bad relationships, job or life style caused her the first time? Having made repeated mistakes myself, I’ve had to look at this same problem.
People seek out familiar environments and experiences. When these are healthy, we’ll repeat good experiences. When the experience is bad we might repeat that bad experience, unless we have learned to reject the experience, not blame ourselves and not think poorly of ourselves.
Abusive or neglectful people often blame us for their abuse or neglect, and we might wrongly learn to believe we deserve abuse or neglect, especially if this occurred when we were young. Our beliefs and our emotions can keep us locked in these repeating patterns. We can’t change our feelings until we change our beliefs. Yet our feelings can confuse us and keep our thoughts locked up, so we don’t admit to our wrong thoughts, such as “This is the best I’ll ever experience,” or “Love always hurts, and those who love me will mistreat me and control me,” or “People are unworthy of trust. There is no one I can trust,” or “I have to believe whatever people tell me and ignore my gut feeling, that disagrees with what those people are telling me or doing,” or “I am not as good as others. All people are better than me.” The list of lies could go on. At the core of the lies is a belief we are unworthy and deserve some kind of abuse and neglect. Abusive people are attracted to people who believe these lies, and abusive people like to keep their victims believing the lies, never learning or healing.
Buried in those unconscious beliefs are powerful feelings of sorrow and rage. When we deny we are being mistreated, the bad feelings don’t go away. I discussed this in my post, “Embracing Grief” where I discussed my former compulsion with over-eating sugar and yo-yo dieting (over-eat sugar and gain weight, lose weight, repeat). Only when I faced the truth, that my father had a terrible temper and he emotionally neglected me, could I feel my anger, and then sorrow. And that process was so brutal, I didn’t do it alone but worked with a counselor and had a good group of friends to give me back up emotional support. That process took me a full year.
And this did not resolve every pattern in my life. I was set free from the sugar compulsion and could finally enjoy responsible “sweet eating,” and calmly maintain a decent weight. Yet there were other issues in my childhood I had not identified, and these caused me to repeat some other patterns in other relationships. I discussed my problems with my mom in my post “Not My Mother’s Favorite Child.”
We expect men to be emotionally difficult, so admitting to my father issues was easier for me to do than with my mom. When mothers make sacrifices for us, as mine did, it is harder to admit we gals may have had problems with our mother-daughter relationships.
Even here, we may believe a relational lie: “Admitting someone we love hurt us and had flaws means we don’t respect, honor or love that person.” In fact, admitting people (even those who have died) wronged us opens a door for healing in a relationship that will, otherwise, never be a healthy. Furthermore, denying genuine flaws or outright sins in someone we say we love means we do not fully love them. True loves sees the flaws and sins and then encourages the loved person to grow and improve. We don’t change that person or her flaws. We admit to that person we know about the flaw, and we still love them. Then we let them know we are there to encourage and support them if they want to work on the flaw or sin.
When the flaw or sin hurts us (i.e., frequent and harsh yelling at us, lying to us, neglecting us, and more), truly loving the other person means we tell them about how they are hurting us. Denying the pain they caused or are still causing us damages our relationship and does not show love or honor to the person. Our denial is dishonor and an inferior form of love.
God shows us this is true, because he tell us, “Therefore confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another that you may be healed,” James 5:16. God also says, “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your offering there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift,” Matt.5:23-24.
We need to admit we are wounded so we can be healed, and find compassion from those who can help us. For example Proverbs 28:13 says, “He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will find compassion.” Whether it is sin or a wounded spirit, we need to admit we are wounded, so we can be healed. God does not want us to hide our sins from him or from the people closest to us. This also means we must confront those who hurt us. We cannot confront what we deny we suffer. This part can become difficult to discover. God can help us uncover these problems.
Sometimes we are so buried in our denial God will not force us to admit to our pain right away. He may have to heal us, over time, until he is ready to show us how deeply we are hurt. He did this with me, regarding my mom. One day my sister made a vulnerable comment about our mom, and I finally admitted to God how hurt I felt. My issues were my own, and not my sister’s and I didn’t want to burden my sister. Her relationship with my mom was her own, and different from mine. So my healing was unique too.
That healing process had to begin with admitting my mom did have flaws and had hurt me, despite all the great things she also did for me. I still honor my mom and acknowledge her many, many sacrifices for me. She loved me. Loving her had to include admitting to what hurt me and then forgiving her. After I admitted to the Lord how hurt I felt about that relationship, so much hidden and pent up pain poured out, just like it did when I admitted to how much my dad had (so much more obviously) hurt me
Yet after all this grieving and healing, I have found I have a deeper love and respect for both parents. This process of lament creates more honor and healthier relationships with those we love. Denial stunts relationships. We must see this process as part of the heart of God. Jeremiah wrote an entire book called Lamentations. This realistic prophet wept and grieved, not alone, but before God. God comforted this man so much, some of the most beloved promises in the Bible came from his books, Jeremiah and Lamentations (such as Jer. 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans not to harm you but to prosper you, plans to give you a hope and a future.”)
God yearns to pull us out of our denial. He wants us to honestly admit our pain, and tell him how certain people have wounded us. We may be able to confront the people who hurt us, as I did with my Dad. Or those people may deny their wrong, and we may not have as close a relationship with them. But we can tell God about that pain. With some people, even after we admit to the pain, get our courage to confront them, they may deny any wrong doing. If we really want a relationship with them (such as I wanted with my mom), we may choose to live with a limited relationship and do our best to still love that person.
And with some other people, the pain or harm they caused may be so strong that if they won’t admit to their fault, we cannot reconcile with them. God will guide us which way to go. Our need is to begin the process.
So if you find yourself repeating bad patterns (relationships, job, life circumstances, etc.) please ask God to guide you. There is a problem you have not recognized. You have something that has hurt you that needs to come out of the shadows of your hidden heart or denying thoughts. I can promise you, despite the awful pain of first admitting to it, you will heal. It will take time. Some people will oppose you doing this, because many people believe those lies that say, “We don’t truly love when we admit someone hurt us.”
Don’t believe your oppressors. Believe the heart God has given you. Seek his heart. He wants you to heal. God hates the lies. You have a right to step into God’s light. The life he wants for you is joyful. There is no shame and bondage of denial in the good life God has for you. You will not be alone. I pray, every day, for my readers. God will be with you. And if you are scared to step out, contact me (in the comments), and I will pray with you. I have found so much joy in living in the truth, and I want this joy for you too. You can break the bad patterns in your life, even if you do it slowly, and one day at a time. I believe in you and so does God!