Set Free by Both Names

I grew up in a home where God’s wrath and his law were emphasized, but we did not hear as much about God’s love and a personal relationship with him due to that Love.  I always felt God was not satisfied with my work, or with me.  I even believed my family was not pleased with me.  When I was a small child, I learned my first name, Deborah, means “bee” in Hebrew, and this seemed appropriate in my frenzied life.  I was often on the move.  Seemingly unrewarding work filled my life, and I felt more like a bee than a carefree girl.  I could not seem to please my parents.  They were probably busy, but to a small child, I assumed they were not pleased with me.  I could ask a question just a little too loudly in the church foyer and hear an adult snap at me to be quiet.  My father told me God sees all my hidden sins.  So I loved God and believed he loved me but felt sad that I must be a naughty and unpleasing girl, bringing no joy to the Lord I loved.

Many years later, I looked up the meaning of my middle name, Anne. This name is considered a derivative of the Hebrew name Hannah, which means “grace.”  By this time I had learned God’s grace means we receive mercy, forgiveness, love and salvation, without earning it.  I was amazed.  For all my years of striving to please my dissatisfied parents (or thinking I had not pleased them), I had found the pleasure of God Himself. 

Suddenly my two names came together with new meaning.  Yes, I am Deborah, the hard working Bee.  But I am also Anne, a child of God’s grace.  I looked at my life differently after learning the meaning of both names.

I can work hard, in all areas, from career to chores.  But I do not need to work for God’s love.  He has already paid the price, and his love is mine for free.  I can bathe in his grace. I was still young when I learned about my middle name, and I did not fully grasp God’s grace at that time, because I had been so steeped in legalism for so many years in my home life.  Yet this understanding of my two names together, between hard work and God’s loving grace, has comforted me.  I now understand God knows my name and is pleased with me.  He knows my flaws and is still pleased with me.  I have found joy knowing I please the Lord who loves me whether I am working hard or resting.