Why does society demand so much from gals–tweens to mature women? A person might even think the church demands perfection, since Matthew 5:48 says, “Be ye perfect as your Heavenly Father is perfect.” First, let’s clarify the meaning of that verse. In the original language the word “perfect,” would also be translated, “complete not lacking, fully mature.” That “perfect” actually refers to our loving and growing relationship to our Heavenly Father. We want to grow mature (closer and more loving) in that relationship. God clearly knows we cannot achieve perfection as sinners, because the Apostle John said, “Anyone who says he has not sinned is a liar,” 1John 1:10.
So if God, our perfect Heavenly dad, does not demand perfection from us, why does our flawed society demand it? And then why do we begin to demand perfection of ourselves when we cannot reach that goal? Some would say, “Perfection sells,” since ads tell us we aren’t good enough, and the ad’s model is perfect (which she is not, but advertisers know how to camouflage flaws). Advertisers hope we see our flaws and covet the seeming perfection of the model and then buy the product advertised.
In my family, religious legalism motivated us to push too hard. In my youth, but not my adult years, my dad rarely admitted he was wrong. He did change, did apologize, and did become a more gentle man. But in my childhood, he had a horrible temper and controlling nature. He (unintentionally) presented an image of our heavenly father as an angry, demanding God. This happened, because children see God the Father like their earthly dad.
Sadly, I also think misogyny, (hatred of women), or at least a severe disrespect of women has also tainted every society. In ancient times, women were so disrespected, many cultures considered them property. This has even been true in some Christian churches, throughout the ages. Women might be expected to be like a false image of a “sinless” Virgin Mary, despite her own admission she was a sinner and needed a savior (Luke 1:47). Mary was a faithful wife, not a perpetual virgin. She had many children after Jesus’ birth. But some men refused to see this, and they demanded their wives or daughters fit this untrue “sinless” image. No woman can live up to a false ideal like this one of Mary.
Even today, some men demand dictatorial obedience from their wives, instead of having a Christian partnership, where both spouses share in decision making (1 Peter 3:7 NLT: “In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered”).
But certainly secular society also demands perfection of women, and this disrespect of women is disguised, but still present.
Women like Amy Coney Barrett have done much to prove a Christian woman can be a powerful, high ranking leader. Many non-Christian women have also done this earlier (Golda Meier, Angela Merkel). But having women in high places of government and business has not removed society’s unfair expectations of perfection in women. For example, a certain movie claimed to end with Jack Nicholson overcoming his tendency to date way younger women, and then in the end dated Diane Keaton, a woman “his own age.” The problem is that Diane Keaten is nearly 9 years younger than Jack. Apparently the movie makers looked down on mature women and refused to choose one who was actually Jack’s age.
But rather than dwell on why our world demands perfection of a woman, we can instead embrace just who we are! In the recovery movement, this is part of step four, where an addict’s family member (often called a codependent) lists not only her “flaws,” or character defects, but also her strengths, so she is not harshly unrealistic about herself. She can release these flaws to God (they call Him “Higher Power”), and He can remove the flaws or heal her, since these so-called defects might be her use of a strength, carried to an extreme, (for example, a peaceful woman becoming lazy, a kind woman becoming codependently controlling, etc.)
I see so much merit in this step, because we admit to our flaws and yet also acknowledge our strengths. Instead of feeling shame for these flaws, we can look at them, and ourselves with kindness not judgment. We already do this with very small children who have an accident and then cry in shame (whether peeing in pants or spilling a glass of water). We comfort them, knowing their little bodies are still forming, and they lack the motor control an older child has mastered. We treat them tenderly, knowing they are doing their best, and sometimes their best cannot prevent accidents, mistakes, spills, errors, even flaws! Yikes! Suddenly those words sound like our mistakes. Maybe we are doing our best too, and like the child, we need comfort after our mistakes, not an attack on our character.
We can forgive ourselves for our imperfections. A kind radio announcer admitted he still limps, since his childhood experience with polio. He once asked God to take away that limp, but today he accepts his limp and feels so glad he can walk at all, when he sees those who cannot walk.
A silver-haired polio survivor from my old gym accepted using a cane, saying she learned to walk gracefully with it. Later (when I met her) she had to use a walker, and she said this hurt her pride, and she was adjusting to the change.
When I saw her with the walker, it was her radiance, dignity and courage I noticed, not the walker. She was getting into the pool. She was doing what she could, and I found her irresistible, and had to stop and chat with her. I didn’t see flaws, just beauty, and I told her so. I was in my 30’s, and she was decades older than me, but I could clearly see her beauty. And she was so kind and welcoming to me.
Ever since my revelation that I looked, “good enough for my age,” (which I mentioned in an earlier post), I have felt enormous relief about not being perfect. I surround myself with people who feel I am “good enough,” and who see themselves that way too. Yes, I still know and love friends who don’t accept themselves, but I cannot spend long periods of time with friends who hate or strongly dislike themselves. Otherwise I feel tempted to fall back into criticizing myself.
We will always hear critics saying, “Do more; be perfect,” but we don’t have to believe them. Being gentle with ourselves is no crime. We can choose our goals and strive to achieve them. When others have goals we cannot meet, expectations of who we cannot be, this alleged “perfection,” is garbage we can reject.
You are already beautiful. You are good enough. God loves you, and he has good plans for you, gentle plans with goals you can achieve with joy! You can be the true-you you are, and you have God’s permission to toss the “perfection” shame and guilt in the trash.