A botanist corrected a dangerous myth people apply to children. People once believed that since adult oak trees grow stronger when buffeted, so do saplings. In fact, if an oak sapling is buffeted and treated roughly, it will stop growing properly and become stunted forever. I have even seen this concept with seedlings in my own garden, both my physical garden, and the garden of my household: my children.
In the name of ministry and good parenting, some Christians claim young children should be left to work out all their sibling rivalries and playground bullying and minister to unrepentant bullies. These misguided Christians believe the same adversities that strengthen adult humans (and oaks), will strengthen these bullied children. Yet with the rise of youth depression and teen suicide, Christians must rethink this false botanical comparison to children.
Children can share the Gospel with non-believing but receptive children. But we cannot force a missionary ideal on children and expect them to play with bullies in the name of evangelizing these bullies. I have heard of many well meaning parents suggest this, and I even allowed my daughters to briefly suffer such a “friendship,” because I grew up in a home where we were taught this lie. My daughters let me know the girl had mocked our faith and church (which she attended as our guest). She was a bully, and they said they could not play with her anymore. We tried so many times to be kind to her, and my girls suffered from anger over the months of “friendship” I had allowed. I realized the lie I had believed, and we cut off this bad friendship, to my daughter’s relief.
This girl spurned the Gospel the way the Scripture warns us, against “casting your pearls before swine” (Matt. 7:6). She rejected our faith, rejected and mocked our church and abused my daughters’ friendship. We had to end the friendship.
When Jesus told us to “turn the other cheek,” (Matt. 5:39) He did not mean we are to cast our pearls or precious children before bullies (Jesus’ word for swine). We can offer friendship initially, but we must not leave our children to suffer abuse. Ministry must feed the recipient’s soul AND also not destroy the giver of ministry, especially when the giver is a child.
As children grow and develop a stronger understanding of themselves, their faith and love of God, they can gradually share more kindness with difficult people. But our children’s impact upon others must be positive and powerful with the message pushing goodness towards the bully, never allowing the bully to push poison and abuse towards our children. Ministry must feed the recipient’s soul not abuse the young giver.
Just as buffeted oak saplings whither and stunt in growth, tender children close in on themselves, eventually shutting out the good as well as the bad when bullied without intervention. To grow strong, an oak sapling must be nurtured and treated gently. Even harsh words from parents, if given constantly without apology or an attempt for the parent to change, will permanently harm a child’s soul.
I know the botanist who taught this lesson is right, because I was one of those buffeted children, and I nearly allowed my own children to suffer this way too. As an adult I suffered anxiety and sorrow. I suffered abuse and divorce in my first marriage. When a child is left to defend herself from stronger siblings and playground bullies (or even her own angry parents), that child does not grow stronger, but often she believes she deserves to be abused. She may grow up to fear others and never fully give her heart to good people (whether a husband or a close gal pal).
We must protect children. As parents, if we see our children fighting on a regular basis, we must intervene. While we can allow our children to settle their own infrequent squabbles or mild disagreements, we must step in when problems become chronic or violent. Sometimes the “good” child has been the instigator of harsh or cruel words, but the less verbal “bad” child gets in trouble for hitting instead of using words to respond. If only the hitter is disciplined, the instigator feels justified for her cruel words, and we end up with a verbally battered child with no one to defend her as she wears a label of “bad girl.” We must find out why children fall into frequent fighting. One or both children may feel frightened and unable to defend themselves.
Children need to know an older and wiser person listens to all of their concerns and intervenes when the child can no longer protect herself. To ignore such a plight is to relinquish a parent’s God given job. Such a neglectful parent disappoints more than her child, but also God.
The occasional mistake of defending the wrong child or failing to correct one of the two squabblers will not ruin a child when the parent apologizes and works harder to protect the child or children. But sometimes a parent fully relinquishes the children to either deal with their siblings on their own, or to deal with bullies outside the home. The neglected child will never fully outgrow this pain and neglect, and she will never achieve to the level she could have if she had grown up in a protective environment.
I am not overlooking God’s grace in healing the wounds such a child takes into adulthood. Such children can give God their terror, and He can enable them to forgive the bullies (whether siblings or outsiders). But the scars will last forever. That child may spend years healing, forgiving, releasing and learning to parent herself and allowing God to parent her in ways her own parents neglected to do. She will be forced to do this kind of healing at the expense of other endeavors she could have enjoyed. But she must heal, so this healing is essential even though she may never achieve as much as a woman who had the protection and support in her home life.
Children start life as tender saplings, fragile and capable of severe stunting if they are not protected. Children are resilient in some ways, and while they can face normal hardships (disappointments, scrapes, normal sibling rivalry), they cannot handle chronic stress, neglect, frequent abuse, and intense suffering.
Like a sapling, children who gradually experience age-appropriate difficulties will grow. We need to know the difference. Wise botanists testify that the very young saplings whither and permanently stunt when shaken and pushed too hard, just like children. We cannot leave our young children to fend for themselves with constant abuse from bullies or even their own siblings. We are the adult oak trees, the ones that do grow strong when shaken and struck by gale forces. We must pull our children away from those who attack them. We need to listen to our children and believe them when they say they can no longer take mistreatment from rough children. To do otherwise denies the Heavenly Father’s love for our children. Our children count on us for this protection to grow into what Isaiah 63:1 calls “Oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of splendor.”
