I want to remain Spirit-filled, but I used to feel guilty when I read verses like this one Paul wrote in Phils. 4:13, “I can do all things through Christ, who gives me strength.” I have made many false assumptions about this verse and then heaped criticism upon myself for not living up to the lies I accidentally made up. Some lies came from others demanding more than I could give. Other lies came from my unrealistic self demands. I assumed I could have my morning quiet time and then stay spirit-filled all day long, without needing to revive my spirit throughout the day. I assumed my feelings should never get so hurt and angry that I wanted to retaliate when others hurt me (especially that I should not feel that way when unrighteous people hurt me badly.) I assumed I needed to be so much stronger than I am. If you have ever felt this way, join me as I untangle these lies and find the truth behind those wonderful words Paul wrote.
First, I did not realize that God did not CALL me to “do all things.” God has given me limits, and there are many things God has not called me (personally) to do. God has assigned others to fulfill many tasks that I mistakenly thought I should do. Many of those tasks were too difficult for me anyway like trying to save angry people who treated me like a free psychologist and social worker. Those people assumed I was supposed to be available to help them in whatever they dreamed up and also to listen to their venting and blaming of others.
I cannot be anyone’s savior. I don’t even want to be their savior. But when some people demanded this service, I used to put up with so many of their demands, such as listening to long and angry rants. Those people would go on and on about how everyone else was to blame for their problems. I put up with these people lashing out at me for any inconvenience they decided was my duty but I had not fulfilled. In those cases, God showed me that if these people did not want to learn and grow, I could do nothing to help them.
In fact, God has shown me that even when I am freshly Spirit-filled, I am still not strong enough to handle some harsh and demanding people who are unrepentant. Perhaps some other person can handle them, but I am too tender-hearted, and I always failed when I tried. I hear there are prophet-like people, such as John the Baptist, who can address these angry people, and I will leave that work to them.
Even sweet, sincere people have wanted me to do things early in the morning or late at night. But God has shown me I need sleep and I cannot be up late and then up early the next morning too. I cannot serve everyone based upon their schedule. In fact, I am not a strong extrovert, so I need breaks from crowds. The list could go on, but basically, God has shown me that I do need to serve him, and first it has to be my family. Furthermore I thrive when I serve children at church and also reach out to widows and hurting women at church and in my neighborhood. I have successfully comforted people in these groups, and even given comfort to hurting children and dying widows some would call too-needy or difficult. To me they were never difficult, even after the hard work I put into those relationships, because God called me to this work.
Second, I realized that God knows I need Spiritual rest. I must take it in whatever form my soul requires, so I can get refilled when I am not that Spirit-filled. For example, I thought that if I sought the Lord in my morning quiet time, I should still have God’s presence throughout the day. But then I would get tired or feel rushed or something else would tax my soul. Then I would snap with an unkind word. Later I would berate myself, asking myself how I could have such a good quiet time that morning and then later behave that way. Why did I act that way? It is because I leak! The Spirit is good, but not me (Romans 7:18, “For I know no good lives in me, that is my sinful nature. I want to do what is good, but I can’t.”) My flesh wants its way, and throughout a busy day, I began to forget all the good things the Spirit had taught me. I have to remember I am not that strong. I am “not that Spirit filled,” to remain all filled up after only a morning session with the Lord. For this very reason Paul said in 1 Thess.5:17, “Pray without ceasing.” I made a mistake when I thought I could remain Spirit-filled all day when I was not praying throughout the day. I had ceased to let the Holy Spirit fill me up!
Third, we are frail humans, and our angry feelings do not mean we do not love the Lord. I mistook having human feelings, even uncomfortable ones, for not having God’s Spirit in me. Just having angry thoughts but not acting on them does not mean we are sinning. Our flesh is still alive in us, and it does not want us to suffer. But at times we do sin, and our mindset gets us in trouble if we think our Spirit-filled life means we should not suffer so much or have to battle Satan with such fierceness. When we believe those lies, we get unfairly angry when life is hard. Yet the Lord never promised us an easy life.
Now I remind myself how hard the Christian life can be, and I have memorized many passages to this effect. For example, look at Mark 13:13 “And everyone will hate you because you are my followers. But the one who endures to the end will be saved.” Also read Luke 6:22-23 + 35 “You are happy when men hate you and do not want you around and put shame on you, because you trust in me. Be glad in that day. Be full of joy for your reward is much in heaven. Their fathers did these things to the early preachers…+ But love your enemies, do good, and lend, hoping for nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Highest. For He is kind to the unthankful and evil.” These can be difficult passages, but Jesus also gives us many words of comfort, when we seek his rest. Look at Matt. 11:28-30 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
I have also learned that when people are difficult, I need to back off. My husband may say (or even yell) something unfair and unrighteous. I may want to snap at him. I realize I need to remain silent, and silly as it sounds, I actually tell myself, “I am not that Spirit filled.” At those times, my silence is wonderful! I stay away from an argument, and my husband has time to cool his anger. He might even face his own heart and realize he was wrong. This happens at times when I am too tired to talk calmly to him and will only argue if I do respond. So when I say, “I am not that Spirit filled,” I do not mean the Holy Spirit is not strong. The Holy Spirit is so powerful and always right. It is I who am weak and capable of leaking out all the wonderful calm and wisdom the Spirit had filled me with, earlier in the day.
My Christian life can be hard, and only when I keep coming back to Jesus, over and over throughout the day, can I find his rest while I face hardships. I can get re-filled with the Spirit. Then, although I am “not that Spirit filled” by my weak nature, when I humble myself and return to the Lord, over and over, I can be re-filled by the Spirit.
This was a very humbling post to write. Yet I felt like I had to admit to my readers about how hard it is to remain Spirit-filled. Some people will shame me for what I have shared, but I realize their voice does not match the Lord’s assessment of me (1 Cor.4:3 + 4b, “It matters very little how I might be evaluated by you or any human authority. I don’t even trust my own judgment on this point…It is the Lord who judges me.”) I now no longer feel shame when I say, “I am not that Spirit-filled.” I now realize that this is an honest statement of my weak nature, and I say this to mean that I must keep relying on God and not on my own strength. And I have to keep going back to God, because I leak! So thanks for joining us in this post, and please let me know what you think! I love to hear your own stories about how you are growing in these areas.