We might insist we know what we are thinking and doing. However, our loved ones might think we are acting like the fictional character, Don Quixote, chasing windmills and behaving foolishly, while refusing to accept hard truths. Acceptance of hard truth hurts so much, that the Bible is full of people who refused to accept reality. Even secular literature is full of those who fight the truth, like silly Don Quixote who pretended windmills were giants that he had to fight. But when everyday people deny reality, we may cry and not laugh the way Don Q did in the stories Miguel de Cervantes wrote. We need God’s courage to face and accept some very hard truths and then live with them. We may need kind but firm loved ones who have the courage to confront us when we refuse to accept reality, especially the truths that make us ache. We especially need the Lord to direct us to the truth, so we can heal and grow closer to him.
Acceptance is so essential that people of the Twelve Steps Movement adopted this Christian concept as one of the twelve steps for healing from addiction. From Alcoholics Anonymous members who want to give up their liquor to Families Anonymous members who do not want to live as codependents, enabling their addicted loved ones, people in the Twelve Steps Movement recognize that we must accept hard realities. The original Twelve Steps were written by Christians who acknowledged they were powerless over sin and needed to accept the reality that they needed the Lord Jesus to help them overcome their sin nature. The Twelve Steps Movement removed our Lord’s name from the program and said people needed a “Higher Power,” but we Christians know the name of the True Higher Power; it is Jesus Christ.
Whether we look at the Twelve Steps, our own lives, or the Bible, we return to this painful reality—accepting the truth must happen before we can grow and change. King David tried to hide his seduction of Bathsheba and the murder of her husband. But Nathan had to confront him, saying “You are the man,” (2Sam.12:7.) King Saul tried to cling to his kingdom, but God told him, “The Lord has torn the kingdom of Israel from you today and has given it to your neighbor who is better than you” (1Sam. 15:28.) There are many other stories where people fought against reality, but they failed, just like Don Q. fought against windmills. But just like windmills, reality is solid, and we cannot fight it, since it is God’s will, and man will never prevail over God’s will (Sam.2:9b, “…the wicked perish in darkness; for by his own strength no man shall prevail.)
There are many hard aspects to the acceptance of reality, but mostly I resist the truth when it hurts so much. We have all been hurt in our lives, often in early childhood, and we have designed lies in our minds to help us deny truths that stab at our hearts. We might develop a fantasy of the perfect family despite many cruel things our family members did to us. Or we may have developed the fantasy of not needing a family, if we grew up as orphans. In fact, we may have developed so many fantasies, we assume we can fully heal after overcoming only one lie that we used to believe. But later we uncover a new lie we also believe, and with it comes another painful reality we have to accept.
I thought I had healed from all lies, because I gave up my fantasy of the perfect father and finally admitted I was badly hurt by his work-a-holism, emotional absence, temper, and his blaming us for that unrighteous temper and physical wrath. I spent a year grieving and healing from that loss. Then I told myself I was all healed and ready to live a responsible life. But like Don Quixote, I did some very dumb things and made many bad relationship choices from romance to business to roommates. I chose people who were clearly destructive, to the horror of friends and family. Decades later I finally admitted I also suffered neglect from a mom who did love me, but who had so much fear that she hid the neglect, perhaps thinking we would all feel better if she denied it. Both parents loved me, but both hurt me. Until I also learned to grieve over my badly damaged mother-daughter relationship, I continued to form bad relationships that shocked my sensible friends and family. I really acted like Don Quixote, defending the people who were hurting me, yet acting like I was not hurt.
I was so entrenched in the fantasy of a perfect mom, that not until another family member spoke of that troubled relationship, did I begin to question my own ideas. This person’s honesty (which the person later tried to deny, because of fear) finally forced me to deal with my hurt over the decades of emotional neglect from my mom. I was terrified that admitting to the pain she caused (and her denial of doing so) would mean I no longer loved my mother who had died by the time I began to face reality. God had to remind me that even Christians (like my mom) sin, but they can be confronted and forgiven. Although I could not confront my mom, because she had died, I could confront my memories of her and the lies I fantasized about her perfection.
It hurt so much to stop believing those lies, because I had to admit to how much pain the damaged relationship caused me. I had to bring all that sorrow to God. I could not deny one bit of that pain but had to tell God everything. I cried. I felt anger. I felt confused.
But then something else happened. A deep sorrow, which I had denied my whole life, began to lift. And finally I felt such joy setting aside my silly fantasy. I let go of the lies I fantasized about my mom and actually grieved. I also admitted that I did not deserve some of the harsh things my mom had said and the things she did and did not do.
Then something else happened. I began to recognize other “windmills” I had been chasing. I had several bad relationships with unhealthy friends. Before admitting to the pain about my mom, I was totally blind to how harshly these people treated me. But as I healed, I began to recognize how awful the relationships were, and I began to gently confront the friends. I asked them to stop doing some very harmful things. I never called them names and simply used “I statements” explaining what hurt me and how I needed them to not do or say those things anymore. They got angry and blamed me. I prayed and offered to pray with them, but they insisted they were right. I finally had to say that unless we could find a healthy way of interacting, I could no longer be their friend. They refused and instead walked away. I learned that many other people had already walked away from them, long ago. But I had stayed around and accepted the mistreatment, so much like Don Quixote denying the truth and getting hurt when he tried to joust with a windmill! Only when I accepted the reality about my mom did I also begin to accept the reality about the other relationships.
Often the lies we believed began in our childhood, when adults urged us to not trust our own God-given instincts. Instead we were told grown ups knew better than we did. For example I have always suffered when I tried to obey a command I was taught in my childhood Catechism class: “Put the best construction on everything.” I was taught this as part of the explanation of Exodus 20:16, “Do not bear false witness against your neighbor.” Sadly I was taught to always assume others have our best intentions at heart. I was also raised this way, where I was taught to always assume others are good and to not listen to the little voice in our head that warns us of danger. I still remember when a creepy man, a leader in our church, offered to put his sweater around my shoulders (due to the cold air conditioning where our youth group was eating.) I recoiled, because the man gave me the creeps. Several others confronted me and said I was not being “nice” and was not “putting the best construction on everything.” That man went on to molest two girls from our youth group. But at that time, I was the one who was scolded for not assuming the best about the man. This was one time when I did disobey that teaching, and I did not suffer. But many times I obeyed that teaching, ignoring the Holy Spirit’s warning, and I suffered from harmful people.
The same denomination taught me to not ask the Holy Spirit for guidance. We were taught that we were too foolish to discern the difference between the Holy Spirit and a demon. So we were told to make our best judgment in situations. But with bad Scriptural teaching and then a prohibition on asking the Holy Spirit for guidance, we were led to believe some very bad things!
So sometimes the Don Quixote behavior begins with others who foist their crazy and false ideas on us. But whether our wrong ideas come from our own inspiration or from others trying to force wrong views of Scripture, we must listen to that voice of the Holy Spirit in our hearts, even if religious leaders condemn us. First and foremost, we must obey God and not humans (Acts.4:19, “But Peter and John replied, ‘Do you think God wants us to obey you rather than him?”) But when godly people urge us to look at our destructive behavior, we do need to bring it to God and ask him to guide us. The kind, gentle and respectful people in my life have urged me to do just that. And even when I was foolish and resisted for a season, they still loved me, though they had to watch me make a mess of my life. And they always stayed around to remind me of the truth, and to cheer for me when I did finally realize what I was doing wrong and then stood by me as I walked away from sin and from destructive people and situations.
I wish I could say I am 100% positive I do not believe anymore lies. Probably there are still some I believe without knowing they are wrong. But I am well surrounded today by kind and godly people who live in the truth and who examine their lives. As a result, they encourage me to do the same, so I can quickly bring any error to God right away and not waste years living foolishly like our fictional friend Don Q.
How I pray I have encouraged you in this post to ask the Holy Spirit for guidance and to surround yourself with kind people who love you, believe in you, and who believe in examining their lives. We can encourage each other to grow in truth! Thanks for joining us this week!