I will share a few more ways shame hides in our lives so we can avoid using it on others and confront it when others use it on us. I promised this at the end of last week’s post “Why and How Deceivers Shame Us.” If you missed that post, be sure to read it. Let’s jump into recognizing shame, since it goes by different names and we might misidentify it.
Most shaming probably occurs by mistake, because people don’t realize they are shaming others by demanding too much from them or expecting them to be something they are not. I identified people who purposely abuse and shame others in last week’s post, but most people are not malignant but genuinely want to get along with others. Perhaps bossy people accidentally shame others if they push them too hard to act in certain ways. Encouraging others to act is not wrong, but it is when someone pushes a person to do what God has not called her to do. Yet even easy-going people can make wrong judgments about others and unintentionally hurt them too.
Wrong assumptions can cause us to shame people. We might misjudge a person’s temperament, abilities, and even her God-given calling. Unlike Jesus, who could read people’s minds, we cannot. So we must ask people questions, and even as we ask, be sure we really understand the other person. If we have a bias, we may hear the other person’s words but not her true intent.
Being bossy does not mean a person will judge others. Some people have a natural take-charge temperament, and if this person also has a kind servant’s heart, she may be a good leader. She may inspire others to do things they are capable of doing. This leader can see where people have strengths and interests, and she can avoid exposing people where they are weak. The problem comes when the bossy person assumes she truly knows people’s strengths, interests and weaknesses, but she does not. When a person assumes the wrong qualities, she may demand a person do what another cannot do, whether that person is too timid, not gifted or simply hates the project. For example, one person might love public speaking, but another might hate it. This is not a fault of the person who does not want to speak publicly, but simply not her interest, and likely not her gift from God either.
When a person pushes people in areas where they are not gifted or interested, or simply not mature enough to handle it, she will harm that person and also shame her. When the person feels the pressure to do something she should not do, she may want to please the one pushing, and try to do it anyway. Sometimes people can temporarily do something that is not in their field of strength, but it drains the one doing it to an unwholesome degree. For example, an introvert, forced to interact with many people all day long will go home exhausted, not just in body but also in spirit. If forced to do this day after day, she could actually become sick. And spiritually she would be drained too.
This is not the good and tired feeling a person has after a day of hard and rewarding work. That kind of work enables a worker to sleep well, wake up refreshed and be ready to work that way again. But the draining experience, when someone is forced to perform outside her ability, will damage her sleep. She will wake up exhausted and eventually she will burn out and may even suffer mental problems. God did not make us perform, over and over, in our areas of weakness. For a season he may call us to do something where we are not gifted, because of a temporary but desperate need. But God will never call a person to do so for very long. God knows how he made us.
But some people insist that if the need exists, a warm body will do, no matter how poor the fit emotionally, by aptitude or by calling. This is an act of shaming. The bossy person may insist she is just requiring the other person to do what is needed and thus is justified. But she is not justified. She is not God, and she does not know the other person’s heart. If she continues to demand, she is working directly against God’s will, because he does not force us to do things we are completely unable to do, long-term. Even if God requires some discomfort from us, he does not make us work outside our ability long-term. God knows we have aptitudes, and we need to use them.
Some foolish people insist God is as harsh as the bossy person I described. They say God told Jonah to preach to the Ninevites, and this means Jonah had to do a skill he hated. But this is a contradiction of Scripture. Jonah was a prophet not just in the book of Jonah but he is also mentioned as a prophet in 2 Kings:25b, “…in accordance with the word of the Lord, the God of Israel, spoken through his servant Jonah son of Amittai, the prophet from Gath Hepher.” Jonah thrived as a prophet. It was the people of Nineveh he hated, not his being a prophet. There is a difference between doing what God calls us to do and not liking the place God calls us to go. God used Jonah in his strength, as a prophet, to go to the Ninevites. To say someone should take a career in ministry in a field that person hates to work in is a lie of the devil. If someone is called to ministry, God will use her in the way he made her to work, just as he did with Jonah. At times a gal may have to work in a place where she does not want to go, like Jonah. But remember, Jonah did not have to permanently move to Nineveh, but just visit the place for a limited time.
So shaming can occur when a person assumes she knows another person’s calling, but she is wrong. Forcing someone to be what God has not called her to be is shaming her. Some people want to inspire others to serve God, but they are not in God’s will if they demand service to God. Some people demanded I become a secretary when I served in missions. But God had called me to write, not be a secretary. Being a secretary is an essential job, but I lack the skills needed to enjoy that work. I could do secretarial work as a temporary worker, while I made money for college. But I did not want to do that kind of work forever. It is not my gift. Some shaming people said I had to do it, because it was a needed job. They tried to use Jonah as a reason for me to suffer, but they missed the point of Jonah’s work as a prophet. He liked being a prophet and was called to do so.
Even when people do the work they like, others might shame them by rushing them and demanding more than they can give. Demanding a person work over-time, for too long can be more than exhausting but also shaming. God did not call us to marry our jobs. We marry a human spouse. In a spiritual way, we marry God. But we do not marry our jobs. God gives us rest (Psalm 127:2, “In vain you rise early and stay up late toiling for food to eat—for he grants sleep to those he loves.”)
It is essential we realize God made us unique. We are one of a kind. We are no one’s clone. We have abilities but also limits. Even when we have an ability, if someone rushes us beyond our speed, he or she shames us, because God knows our frame, (Psalm 103:13-14 “As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed. He remembers that we are dust.”) I have been guilty of rushing my daughters to a point they became frustrated. There is a verse about that, although geared to fathers, it applies to moms too: Ephesians 6:4, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children. Instead bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” I am so thankful my daughters remind me when they feel they cannot do as much as I ask. Then they let me know what they truly can do, and if they feel hurt, I apologize (even as I ask them to apologize to me when they demand more than I can give.)
Using patience may be a virtue, but it is also a method of helping us to avoid shaming others. With patience we can encourage others to do things. We can remind them of their duties if they are shirking things they truly need to do. But we have to be patient, because we often do not know all that is going on in another person’s head and heart. We are not omniscient and may not know the true weight of their burdens. (Proverbs 14:10, “Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy.”) People who have a quiet temperament will not act as boldly as a person who is more gregarious. To demand one person act like the other is a form of shaming.
Some may say, “But I don’t know how other people are built, so it is not my fault when I make demands that don’t fit who the other person is. I just don’t know better.” But this is a falsehood. God does not let us make demands of others without first finding out about the other person. We can ask, but to demand is not right. God gives people choices, but he also makes people a certain way. A quiet person did not ask to be this way, even as a gregarious person did not ask to be that way. God made them that way, and there are certain skills that go with each temperament. We can ask questions to draw people out, especially if they are young and do not know all of their interests yet. We can also do this if they are forced to make a career change and need to see if they have other interests besides those used in the job they lost.
Wishful thinking can also make us shame others. An athletic parent may demand his artistic child be athletic too, so he can share that skill. But the artistic child would wither under such demands, and he would feel shame. We must not push our hopes, dreams and wishes on others. We have to let go of our expectations and let people be the person God has called them to be. So we have to examine our motives when we clash with another person and make sure we are not pushing our goals or agenda on the other person. My daughter Lindsey once scolded me when I made some too-forceful suggestions about her Bible reading. She reminded me that she will read the Bible in her own way. She was right, and I apologized. But if she had tried to follow what I thought she needed to do instead of following the Lord in how she read her Bible, I would only have succeeded in shaming her. I am so glad she corrected me (and she did so very respectfully, so I am doubly thankful.) Remember Philippians 2:3-4, “Do nothing from vain ambition or conceit, but in humility count others as more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look, not only to his own interests but also to the interest of others.”
These are not all the specific ways we accidentally shame others, but rather the patterns of those behaviors. If we recognize these patterns, then in any other way we make these mistakes, we will catch ourselves and stop what we are doing, lest we shame someone. And now we can better know how to stop others if they fall into these patterns of behavior too.
I pray we have blessed you with today’s post. It is not an exhaustive list, but simply reveals patterns we can avoid so we do not accidentally shame others. Even if we make one of these mistakes, our loved ones, can confront us and graciously forgive us so we don’t continue to shame someone we love. God is the most gracious of all, and he never shames us. So we have a great role model to follow. Have a blessed week. Thanks for joining us.