We gals need friends, in plural. Having one best friend, to the exclusion of other friends, limits our emotional and spiritual growth. We need friends from different walks of life (economic, racial, educational, and even by personality). We also need more than one best friend, because we can become needy or even codependent when we overly rely on just one person.
I lived out this truth when I was a child in Florida. I was bullied and socially clumsy, so I only confided in one other child, Sherry. When she moved away, I did not choose another close friend, but kept other girls at an acquaintance level until I reached junior high school, where I enjoyed many friends. Sadly my family moved away to Ohio, and I struggled the first year in a very different state that even had a different, more formal culture, at least I felt it was formal.
Surprisingly, I learned to open up to other girls in eighth grade, but once I found a best friend, Shelley, I relied too much on her. When she was busy, I rarely sought out my other friends.
I was forced to work on other friendships when I returned to Florida for college. I made many friends, but again, when I found a close friend, (Ann), I tended to spend so much time with her, I neglected other friendships.
All three of those best friends were great gals, and they encouraged me, as I did them. I wonder if my friendship sometimes felt like a burden to them. The problem with my “best friend exclusivity,” came from both my neediness, and my lack of exposure to other gal friends’ ideas and styles of sisterly love.
I will briefly mention these love-styles here, and I will share about them, in greater detail, in another post. Dr. Gary Chapman speaks of the five languages of love, which I will list in order of my own preferences: words of affirmation, physical touch (ah, those kind hugs), quality time (giving undivided attention to the other person), acts of service (helping others), and gifts given.
When we choose just one friend, we will give her our preferred language of love, and receive her preferred style back. If our styles clash, we may feel starved, or we may starve our friend. We can learn to reach out in other ways, (I’ll discuss this in a future post too).
When we have a variety of friends from different social, economic, occupational and personality perspective, we challenge each other and teach each other. And if that friend moves or loses the desire or ability (ouch) to reach out to us, we have other friends to fall back upon.
I have learned that even introverts, and those who are not strong extroverts (this is me), need more than one friend. We gals are made for community, even if that includes only a few close friends. Now that I’ve come to realize my need for multiple friends, I have opened my heart (and schedule) for more friends, even in this era of parenting, home schooling and writing this blog. I may have less time, but my heart has not shrunken, and it still needs love from other gals.
From the old fashioned get-together of talking over the fence with my delightful next door neighbor, Sue, and chatting with another neighbor (Ursula, who is in her 90s), to Kelly, my neighbor who is close to my age (but a grandma, since she was a very young mom), my heart feels better fed. Yes, God feeds my heart. Yet even he said, “It is not good,” when Adam was alone in the garden, (Genesis2:18), so I know I need friends.
Paul said, “Not forsaking the fellowship,” (Hebrews 10:25) so this need goes beyond romantic relationships to include sisterly (and brotherly) love.
So, if you feel shy, but hope for more than just one friend, believe in your heart’s desire. Ask God to guide you to sincere friends, and be open for surprises. As with my older neighbors, I could be friends with women who are decades older than me. A very close friend who is a kindred spirit is rare. If she moves away (or you do), stay in touch with her. I use the “virtual” methods of staying in touch with my friend, Judy, via emails and personal letters. She is my faithful prayer partner and friend! I have another friend who works long hours, so I can only make weekly calls to Holly, who lives out of state. With both of these friends I can still have a friendship with a kindred spirit, even though I cannot see her in person.
Church may be a good place to begin your quest for close friends, because these are your sisters-in-faith. Sometimes we may not meet our closest friends at church, but they may become good friends nonetheless.
I can’t tell you where or how you will meet new friends. Pray and ask God to lead you. But never give up on pursuing them. The kindness of a friend’s words bring healing to your soul. Allowing yourself to have more than one friend will free you from the trauma of losing your only friend and will open your heart to love on many new levels.