To idealize another person, even God, is to actually hate the real person, while making unreasonable demands and never accepting the person or forgiving him or her. People idealize a person or God by believing the “idealized person” (or God) owes them and thus the idealizers create an image of a person (or God) who always meets all of their demands, instantly. The idealizers wrongly claim they love the person, but they only love the false image, and many later turn against the real person and hate him or her or God.
First, let’s address idealizing people. Some people will deny they hate their “idealized” person, because they play up the “good qualities” of this person, and ignore or even deny the bad qualities (even genuine sin or ways he or she hurt the “idealizer”). But that does not create an intimate relationship. Idealizers cannot get close to the one he (or she) claims to love, and never really accept the true person. Whether to make unreasonable demands of another person he or she idealizes, or to deny all of the “idealized” person’s sins, the “idealizer” does not love the true person. This “idealizer” lacks the ability to understand and sympathize with people, whether he scorns them or claims to love them. There is a phrase, “Being put on a pedestal,” and it defines this insincere “idealizing” where people claim to think so much of another person, until they see that person’s flaws and then completely reject the person. True loves knows, forgives and accepts the whole person, faults and all.
Joseph Stalin killed more people than Adolf Hitler, and he idealized his Christian mother. He believed she had to meet his definition of “Purity,” which to him meant only loving his dad, who had now died. He demanded she give up all hope of another love, and he hated her when she did not fit this unreasonable “ideal” of his. He never loved his true mother, who had genuine, God-giving emotional needs. Stalin turned against her when she began to date again, long after his father’s death. In retribution, Stalin also turned against her Christian faith. He justified his violence and hatred of God for not giving him what he demanded.
People who idealize a person will always end up scorning the true person, never truly knowing that person, because real people are frail and make mistakes and cannot meet every demand of any person. Even the most loving person needs sleep and cannot be available all the time. Furthermore, real people cannot read another person’s mind and always meet the other person’s demands. Only God can be available all the time and read our minds. And even God will disappoint “idealizers,” because the perfect God tells us, “No.” He does not meet our every demand. As such, idealizers are always unhappy people. They do not accept reality.
For example, some men come on too strong with charm and gifts, yet they are “serial daters,” and they quickly break up with each woman for her flaws. Some manage to marry, but then divorce multiple times. In the beginning this man claims each new woman is the only one who truly understands him. But his claim to love dies when she has needs too, and this man will not give back to her.
Even children can idealize their parents the way Joseph Stalin did. These children can become very angry when their parents do not meet their every need. NOTE: I am speaking about common mistakes a parent makes in missing a child’s need or common sins a parent does. I am not condoning a parent abusing or severely neglecting a child.
The children who idealize their parents complain: “I can never trust you again.” But if pressed to find out the parent’s alleged fault, it is petty and not a true reason to distrust an honorable parent who does his or her best for this child. <again, this is not child abuse but normal mistakes parents make.> The parent is not untrustworthy. The parent did not even harm the child. The parent’s weakness or mistake offended the idealist’s false image of the parent. The parent is the same loving and reliable person. But the angry idealist feels betrayed the parent did not live up to this unreasonable ideal.
Under such circumstances, this breaking of the child’s “idealized trust” needed to happen, because the child did not trust her true parent. She had put her trust in her own imagination of who her parent was. That false trust needed to be broken. Now the child needs to build real trust in the true parent and no longer the “false ideal” of that parent.
So if one of your children has ever told you she (or he) doe not trust you, but you have not abused your child, please know this is genuinely not your fault. As a parent, you are allowed to make mistakes and apologize to your children. If a child refuses to forgive such a loving parent, this child is at fault for having idealized a false image of her parent. The child is refusing to love her true parent.
There is hope for a child who tells her (or his) parent she does not trust the parent. Keep loving this child. Be your loyal and stable self. Keep praying for your child to see the truth and for her to encounter strong Christians who speak truth to her (or him). Fast for your child. Enlist a discreet prayer partner (or a few) to help you pray for your child and for your child to see the truth as well as to pray for your strength as you bear this painful and unjustified accusation. (Matt.5:11 “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me.”) Don’t walk alone in this pain. Hold onto hope, because many parents have older (or adult) children who have returned to loving their true parents.
I have seen “idealizer” friends and coworkers interact with their adult parents. One co-worker claimed he loved his mom, but over time I realized he hardly knew her. He had idealized a false image of her. He didn’t even know what color her eyes were. Worse, he denied bad things she actually did to him. I heard her insult him in front of others. A bystander was shocked and told the mom, “You’re kidding, right?” And the mom angrily disagreed and said she meant it. I privately asked the man if it hurt him, but he denied it did. I won’t repeat what was said, but it was an unusually cruel remark in an area where I knew my co-worker was very sensitive.
Over time, I learned from his other family members, this mom had said many cruel things to them and neglected their emotional needs many times. According to her family, she justified all the mean things she did and the neglect and never apologized to him or others. Yet this man said his mom was the greatest woman he knew.
I also found out he pretty much never called her and only visited her once per year. He had almost no relationship with her. By idealizing her, he never got close to her.
In his case, he idealized her, because he didn’t want to face his real mother and the real pain she caused him. He developed an unforgiving, blaming kind of temper, and he was never able to maintain any close relationships with guy friends or women. He never admitted his real mom (not his ideal) had hurt him, then confronted her and then forgave her.
Apparently he felt more comfortable creating an illusion of a perfect mom, thinking he could avoid the pain of knowing his true mom hurt him often. Was she all bad? No, from what I saw and heard of her, she had good qualities. Yet by never confronting her for hurting him, he could never reconcile with her.
I don’t even know if this woman may have wanted to be confronted, so she could repent and have a healed relationship with her son (and any of her other family members.) All I know is this woman died, and the man never reconciled, because he never admitted she had hurt him. I have seen so much bitter fruit in this man’s life, and in the lives of other people who idealize someone, yet never truly love them.
People also falsely idealize God. Joseph Stalin did this. People believe God owes them a pain-free life, but pain comes anyway. They become so angry with God, they reject him (as Stalin did.) Even Charles Darwin did this, when he blamed God for the death of his young daughter. Look at all the poisonous weeds that have grown from Darwin’s anger at God.
God never promised us an easy life. God did not get to have an easy life with us either. Adam and Eve hurt God and betrayed him (Genesis chapter 3.) People unwisely only see themselves and their own pain and do not admit to the greater pain God suffers due to his love for us and our real betrayal of him. He never betrayed us. Jesus promised God would never leave us or abandon us (Hebs.13:5b, “God has said, ‘Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.’”) Yes, he allows suffering, but he goes through it with us. Even the horror of the loss of a believing child or other believing loved one is not permanent. We, believers, will see them again in heaven. Our earthly lives are so short compared to our lives in heaven.
Idealizing people is a ploy of Satan (John10:10, “The thief’s purpose is steal, kill and destroy. My purpose is to give you a rich, satisfying life.”) Satan comes as an angel of light (2Cor.11:14.) He casts a false light on others, an idealizing light, that is actually darkness. Satan is darkness, not the true light. Idealizing people is darkness, because it blinds us to accept, forgive and love the true person. This idealizing harms those who do it, and harms those who were idealized.
Even as I shared advice about how to heal when your child “idealizes” and rejects you, seek God’s help if anyone else has hurt you this way too. Don’t ever suffer in silence. Idealizers can heap so much shame on us, we begin to believe we have sinned when we did not. And when more than one idealizer is shaming you, it can really hurt and isolate you from others. Don’t let them do that to you. Many of us have suffered from people who have idealized us and then rejected us. We can join together, praying for one another and encouraging each other.
Satan wants us to carry this false guilt and shame. It is not our fault. Our imperfections are not vile. Yes, we sin. But everyone does. No one has a right to demand perfection and instant gratification from another person or God. When we “fail” to do that, we are doing the right thing. What “idealizers” count as our failure is actually good. Even God will not meet an idealizer’s every demand.
God knows your sincere and repentant heart and knows you do not mean ill will towards these idealizers who speak ill of you. Bring your pain to him and a trusted prayer partner or two. Let God reassure you he sees you (Gens.16:13, “Thereafter, Hagar used another name to refer to the LORD, who had spoken to her. She said, “You are the God who sees me.” She also said, “Have I truly seen the One who sees me?”) Just like he did with Hagar in Genesis, God accepts you. The idealizer should have done the same, and ironically the idealizer is the one who let someone down—you! God knows you are doing your best, and I think so too, my beloved readers!
I pray I’ve blessed you with this post. Please let me know if you have any questions and please share this post with anyone else you know who has been hurt by an idealizer. We can encourage each other!