Sometimes we perceive people are complaining, and we want to solve their problems or scold them. What if they actually want us to hear their pain and offer them glimpses of comfort? We need to discern whether people are mindlessly grumbling or if they are truly hurting. Even when we cannot solve their problems, if we hear and respect their concerns, they may feel comforted and no longer need to complain.
We can learn to recognize when people are thankless or greedy, grumbling and demanding more than they need or deserve. At times we have grumbled this way, demanding far too much from God, or we complained about his timing being too slow. In Acts 1:6, consider the disciples’ desire to take control of Jerusalem and Israel (some jokingly call this their “Make Jerusalem Great Again” idea) as stated: “When they were together for the last time they asked, ‘Master, are you going to restore the Kingdom to Israel now? Is this the time?” Msg. version.) Jesus had to correct his disciples in verse 7, “He said to them, ‘It is not for you to know the times or date the Father has set by his own authority.”
Even here, Jesus offered comfort to his disciples, the way listening parents comfort their children. Jesus listened to their hearts and knew they wanted power. Although they would not receive power to take back Israel from the Romans, the disciples would receive the kind of power they actually needed, as Jesus reassured in Acts 1:8, “But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.”
We are not Jesus, so we cannot read people’s minds and hearts. This is why we must listen to the people when they complain. We must ask the Holy Spirit to help us discern the difference between people complaining senselessly and those truly requesting love and affirmation. Sometimes we will make the wrong decision and use a harsh answer to someone who was truly hurting and needing love. At others times, we err when we offer compassion only to realize this person was complaining due to something more akin to greed (I have complained both ways, so I know this happens.) We can see the trouble greedy and lazy grumbling causes in Psalm 106:24-25: “The people refused to enter the pleasant land, for they wouldn’t believe his promise to care for them. Instead, they grumbled in their tents and refused to obey the Lord.”
We must discern the difference, and we might do better offering unneeded compassion and later learning this person needed a rebuke, rather than rebuking someone but then finding out we have hurt that person. I believe that offering love first (with safe, trusted people) is the best choice. Hurting people will be so glad we were gentle when they needed our love. And people who acted out in hard-heartedness will not be offended by our grace, even if they decide they can go on and on, ranting, or complaining. If we find they did not need comfort, we can let them know we are done listening to them. Offering compassion to someone who did not need it does not cause the pain that withholding compassion causes hurting people.
When we listen to people’s heart, we help fill their love tanks, if they are healthy and want to grow. Again I am not referring to people who want to take and take. Those people complain due to greed and a thankless heart. Emotionally healthy people want to connect with others, and they will allow others to comfort them. But sometimes people have trouble expressing their need for comfort.
Children are often unable to express their need for comfort. Thus adults who grew up in homes where they were not comforted also have trouble expressing their need for comfort. When children complain they may drive the adults crazy. But often, under their complaining, they really want comfort, even if they make outrageous requests. For example, a girl might say she wishes she could be shorter like her classmates. But if her genetics dictate a tall body, her mother’s scolding, to be happy being tall, will not comfort the girl. Sadly the mother might even shame her daughter by saying she should be thankful that she can walk at all, even if she has lanky legs. This totally discounts the feelings the girl has. If only the mom could ask, “Honey, is it hard being the tallest girl in your class?” If the mom could listen to the daughter’s reply, the mom would honor her daughter’s concern. And since we cannot change our genetics, the mom might find ways the girl can use her height to her advantage, such as a tap dancing class (where the girl gets the place of honor as the tallest dancer, as was true of author Kathy Koch when she was a little girl grieving over her great height.)
If a child says he wishes daddy still lived at home, whether dad died or he left by choice, the mother can still listen, despite any pain that father caused the mother. At these times, we set aside our own hurts to allow someone more vulnerable to express theirs. God knows our hurts too, so we have plenty of time alone to talk to him. And if you can, please also find safe women to confide in, so you always have a healthy adult who can hear your heart too. But with the child, we listen and may even say, “Yes, sweetheart, it would be nice to have daddy home and being kind and loving to us,” or whatever would be an honest reply. It would be nice for a bad dad to change and be good, and it would be nice to have a deceased (kind) dad (mom’s husband) home again.
We can remind ourselves that when people complain, they may actually be crying for someone to hear their hearts. We can learn to discern whether this is a sincere cry for love or a desire to dump greed and anger on us. The Holy Spirit can help us as we read the Scriptures (one of my memory verses is Phils. 2:14, Do everything without complaining and arguing.”) Then we can have Christ’s heart for people who seem to complain but actually want comfort and love. God can help us offer them the comfort they cannot find on their own.
I pray we have encouraged you with this week’s short post. Please share your own stories with me about how God has enabled you to offer others this comfort. And if you have any questions, also let me know. May the Lord bless you!