Last week I talked about how “idealizing” people or God is actually rejecting (or hating) them, not loving them. “Idealizing” people opposes God’s heart, because God sees the entire person and does not claim a person is all good or all bad. Initially the idealist only sees the person’s good qualities and denies anything bad exists in that person. But once this idealist is disillusioned, he or she decides the fallen person (or even God) is all bad. God never does this to us.
These “idealists” refuse to see reality. Under this so-called idealism, these people are full of fears and very needy. They have been hurt and now they believe that if the person they idealized is imperfect, that person will hurt the idealizer. Ironically, this false idealizing is what truly hurts the other person, even if the person being idealized was the one who hurt the idealizer. Hiding from reality is dangerous and invites Satan into their lives, because Satan is the father of lies (John8:44.) When they live by a lie, they inadvertently invite Satan to control their lives by adding more fear as these people run, more and more from reality. I suspect some mental health issues may have begun in people who were running from reality and instead created their own idea of reality. I am not denying the many other reasons for poor mental health—simply saying this aspect may have been at the inception of such issues.
God sees our flaws, and he invites us to change them, to grow and flex and become more like Jesus. These idealizers do not invite change. They want life to remain static, in this false state they believe is perfect. Yet to not accept that someone is a sinner is to not accept that person. Some people, such as children, employees, friends or spouses, may even try to live up to the idealizer’s unrealistic expectations. While these people try to perform to be as perfect as their idealizers believe they are, they also begin to fill up with fear, knowing they do have flaws, which they now fear the idealizer will see. All of this breeds fear, not love (1John4:18, “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”)
Once the idealized person sees the other person cannot live up to these expectations, he or she rejects this person. Again, this is not how God treats us. He already knows we will sin. He knows our weaknesses. When we fall, he eagerly and graciously welcomes us back to him. This is what he wants us to do with others.
God opposes our “idealizing” people, that is, denying their weaknesses or rejecting them for these weaknesses. God says in Romans15:1, “We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak and not to please ourselves.” God wants unity; for example he says in Psalms 133:1, “Behold, how good and pleasant it is when brothers dwell in unity!” The idealizers end up dividing people. This also shows that Satan is behind this unrealistic “idealizing” of people. Satan wants to divide. For example, 1John3:10 says, “By this it is evident who are the children of God, and who are the children of the devil: whoever does not practice righteousness is not of God, nor is the one who does not love his brother.” Furthermore, Jude 18b-19 says, “there would be scoffers whose purpose in life is to satisfy their ungodly desires. These people are the ones who are creating divisions among you. They follow their natural instincts because they do not have God’s Spirit in them.”
We see how Jesus treated his disciples. He knew their flaws and spoke of them often, such as Matt.8:26, “And he said to them, ‘Why are you afraid, O you of little faith?’” Yet Jesus loved these flawed disciples and served them, such as when he washed their feet at the “last supper,” (in John13:1-17.)
Very dramatically, Jesus saw their flaws and said, “One of you will betray me this night,” (Matt.26:21). Even when Judas did betray Jesus, he graciously greeted this betrayer and called Judas, “Friend,” (Matt.26:50.) While knowing about Judas’s flaws, Jesus still loved and accepted him and offered him a chance to repent and turn back to Him. Judas never did. Judas may have been an idealizer too.
Jesus clearly modeled to us the need to see people’s flaws, yet accept them. Jesus showed us we must not deny someone’s flaws, nor expect perfection of them. Remember the verse from Matt.7:3-5, “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” Yet Jesus also spoke of our need to forgive, over and over, such as when Peter asked how often we must forgive and in Matt.18:22, we read, “Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.’” Furthermore in Matt.6:12, Jesus prays, “and forgive us our sins, as we have forgiven those who sin against us.” Idealizers don’t want to forgive, because that would imply people are imperfect and allowed to make mistakes. Idealizers don’t give people permission to make mistakes. Idealizers have control issues, demanding others conform to the image they have created.
Idealizers don’t look inwardly at their hearts to grow. They don’t admit people hurt them when they were young and thus don’t grieve and allow God to heal them. They don’t focus on their own lives and admit their flaws so God can partner with them to help them overcome those flaws. They don’t consider how God gifted them so they can set realistic goals to achieve for themselves and goals for helping others.
Instead idealizers look outwardly, trying to meddle in other people’s lives. God clearly opposes this, and in 2 Thessalonians 3:11, the Apostle Paul said, “For we hear that some among you are leading an undisciplined life, doing no work at all, but acting like busybodies.” And 1 Peter 4:15, “Make sure that none of you suffers as a murderer, or thief, or evildoer, or a troublesome meddler.” Idealizers would rather create their ideal for another person’s life and try to force it on others. By creating ideals for others, idealizers play God, which is a sin. Only God can dictate another person’s dreams and destiny as seen in Proverbs 19:21, “Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” We also see God’s will for us in Ephs1:11, “ Furthermore, because we are united with Christ, we have received an inheritance from God, for he chose us in advance, and he makes everything work out according to his plan.” From the outside, godly people can encourage someone to pursue his or her own destiny, such as a mom encouraging her tech-savvy child to explore tech industries. Lovingly encouraging someone with an undeniable passion to pursue it is very different from an idealizer coming up with his or her own vision for the life of someone, especially someone he or she really does not know well (due to having idealized him or her). We will all answer to God, so we must be true to the calling he has picked for our lives, not the demands an idealizer has made.
I have heard multiple stories of parents who emotionally crippled and then tricked vulnerable children into growing up to become care takers, never giving “permission” for that now-adult child to have a life of her or his own (friends, spouse, career, etc.)
This is yet another way we know idealizers do not truly love another person. Truly loving someone includes giving that person permission to have a very different life, possibly even moving away from him or her. We can recognize the patterns of these false idealizers, so we can resist their schemes. When an idealizer is someone we must share life with (spouse, child, coworker, etc.), we can stand on God’s word and live our own life. Even when the idealizer becomes angry with us, we can trust we are doing the right thing. The Holy Spirit will guide us. We may have to repeatedly rebuff their angry attempts to control us, but God will strengthen us We can entrust ourselves to the beautiful life he has already chosen for us, (Jer.29:11, “I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you.”) He has a good life for us, so much better than the harsh plans the idealizer wants to force upon us.
Please ask me any questions, and use the new “share” Facebook and Twitter buttons I’ve added so you can share this post with others.
I pray I have blessed you with this post and have strengthened you to recognize and refute the idealizer’s shame and control and instead enjoy the wonderful life God has for you, a life that is based upon the things you enjoy.