In an earlier post, “When Bad Life Patterns Repeat,” I said abusers are attracted to people who believe the bad lies (lies that say the person is not worthy of anything good). I want to clarify that abusers initially pursue all women, not just those who believe lies of low self esteem. This does not give abusers a right to pursue a gal either. Abusers are like a disease to the human body. They go after all gals, but they, like a disease (such as the common cold), can only overcome the immunity of a weakened body, in this case, a gal with damaged boundaries.
This is not the gal’s fault. Abuse is always the fault of the one who inflicts it on his victim. The victim is never guilty of being pursued or abused. She NEVER deserves abuse. I pray I can get this message out to all gals, and if you know a gal who was abused, share this post with her.
Women abuse too, but I’ll address male abusers here. Please feel free to apply the title of abuser to any abusive female you know. I have been mistreated by females too, but the main aggressors in my life were men, and I want to keep this post as simple as I can (despite its difficult nature).
Think of abusers like thieves who try multiple locked doors until they find one, accidentally unlocked. Abusers will try to be cunning, conniving and gradually mean or seductive. They will try this on every gal they encounter. Women and girls with healthy boundaries will find the abuser’s intended friendliness “off.” These gals may be suspicious, annoyed, or even disgusted. And they will either treat the man so coldly, he rushes away, or they will boldly tell him to go away. As a result, these women will not surrender their friendship or romance to an abusive man. Please understand, these women with healthy boundaries are not better than gals who were victimized by their trust in abusers. The women with healthy boundaries either never suffered childhood (or adult) trauma, or they found healing from any earlier trauma. They know their value and can tell an abuser, “Go away,” when he bothers her.
Women with strong boundaries can serve as models for wounded gals who lack healthy boundaries, or godly esteem for themselves. But we must not call these women superior to the wounded gals. We are all equal in value in God’s sight. I pray that if you are one of those women with strong boundaries, you never judge a weaker gal who did fall victim to trusting a clever but bad-hearted man. Our goal is to encourage gals to know their value in Christ’s esteem of them. Then we can encourage them (or ourselves if we have been tricked and abused) to heal in the Lord.
That is the heart of this post. I want to make sure victims are not blamed for what happened to them. Naturally they had bad boundaries, but they cannot help having bad boundaries unless they can learn the right way to protect themselves. If these gals believe lies, they need to learn the truth about themselves. This goes for ourselves too. If we have been abused, we need to forgive ourselves for believing a liar who intended us harm, whether we were too naïve or if we truly believed lies. In my post “When Bad Life Patterns Repeat,” I discuss bringing our pain to the Lord, if we keep repeating the same mistakes. We do need to analyze our life and what we believe. Sometimes gals do need to talk to a Spirit-filled pastor, close friend or even a professional counselor to figure out those wrong beliefs.
Some women do fall into sin once they have fallen for an abuser, and Jesus’ words can bring comfort. When a woman was caught in adultery, Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more,” (John 8:11). Many women understand the part about “go and sin no more,” but do they understand that once they repent, Jesus forgives them fully? He does not condemn them. I will develop this fact in a future post, but for now, I want to discuss the aspect of the unwanted pursuit by the creep.
But once the abuse has happened, and once this gal is working on healing, it is essential she does not blame herself, nor think she is strange. I remember trusting a guy who was creepy. He complained to me that my roommate seemed cold towards him. I asked my roommate, and she said, “Oh, yes, he said ‘Hi,’ in a very creepy voice. I avoid him.” My roommate had such firm boundaries, she could tell, just by how this man addressed her, that he was a creep. Yet I put up with spending time talking to him, (and I did not enjoy the conversations), until I had to confront him and tell him to “Go away.” This is a very shortened version of that story, but the main gist is the instant ability of my roommate to see through this guy and to treat him coldly. She was a Christian, but she knew she was not required to be warm and friendly to a man with unwholesome boundaries (he ended up touching me in unwanted ways–yuck). I was raised in a confusing home where I was taught the good Christian is nice to everyone, even creepy guys. I kept forgiving this guy (he was married) for his “accidental touch,” but finally I had to tell him off and realize he was not accidentally touching me. My misguided Christian ideas enabled a jerk to bother me (and it turns out, once I had the guts to talk to them, several other women who worked there).
So I must clarify that the Christian faith does not mean a gal has to ignore her internal alarm. I don’t care if he is the president of the company, if he has translated a Bible, or seems to be godly. If he seems creepy, you have a right to keep your distance and give him a firm but cold, “Hello, good bye.” You don’t need to call him names, but you have a right to keep your distance. Never assume a guy “accidentally touched” you, even if he says, “oops, I wanted to hug you and I slipped,” or some other lie (as happened to me and thus I had to tell him to go away).
Jerks, creepy guys, abusers, they all go after every woman they can, even women with a high self esteem, like my roommate who grew up in a great home where she was adored by both of her parents. It is an illusion to assume abusers only go after “victims” or women with low self esteem. The difference is that when the abuser finds a woman with low self esteem, this gal will believe whatever lie is in her heart that enables the abuser to lie to her and trick her in some way.
So let us go to our heavenly Father and ask him for wisdom. The first wisdom we need is in examining our own hearts to see if we harbor any lies. God can help us to bring those lies to the surface and over time replace them with truth. For example, if a gal thinks, “I am not as good as others,” there is a verse in Gal 3: 28, “There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, but you are all one in Christ Jesus,” meaning we are all of the same value, no matter our gender, social status, race or any other distinction about us.
If a gal thinks, “I do not deserve respect and kindness,” Psalm 17:7 says, “Wonderously show your loving-kindness, O Savior to those who take refuge at your right hand from those who rise up against them.” This verse specifically says we do take refuge in God against those who rise up against us, thus we do deserve God’s kindness, and not the attacks of others. We can rest assured that God despises the behavior of anyone who goes after one of his own. For example, Matt: 18:10 says, “See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven,” and although this verse speaks specifically about not misguiding children, it can also include anyone who has a tender, innocent heart. No one should deceive the innocent ones, and gals, this means you sweet friends!
I also like this verse from Zechariah 2:8, “For thus says the Lord of Hosts, ‘After Glory, he has sent me against the nations which plunder you, for he who touches you, touches the apple of my eye.’” God is specifically saying this to Israel, but he also includes any believer. Hence, if someone messes with a believer, God will be angry with that person. You have the righteous God on your side, when you surrender your heart to Jesus. You have every right to say, “No,” to anyone who makes you feel uncomfortable.
I will add a few more verses:
Psalm 12:5 “Because the poor are plundered and the needy groan, I will now arise, says the Lord. I will protect them from those who malign them.”
Psalm 59:1 “Deliver me from my enemies, O God; be my fortress against those who are attacking me.”
Psalm 140:4 “Keep me safe, Lord, from the hands of the wicked; protect me from the violent, who devise ways to trip my feet.”
Psalm 41:2 “The Lord protects him {and her!} and keeps him alive; he is called blessed in the land; you do not give him up to the will of his enemies.”
If a creep has ever bothered you, or if you have suffered abuse, please know it is not your fault he came after you. We all need to grow and learn strong boundaries. But some women had much easier and loving home lives or young adult lives. And some women are much more suspicious than others, so they are kept safe due to their suspicious nature. The innocent–but too trusting–women may fall for a bad guy. But for whatever reason a gal has suffered, it is not her fault he went after her (it was his own choice), and God has a wonderful plan to bring you healing. Please give God a chance. Find a safe group of gal-pals, godly girls or women who can encourage you. Find a safe church where you are loved and where imperfect people meet. We have this at our church, South Bay Community Church, Torrance, CA. God can direct you to a safe place for fellowship too. We need other believers to encourage us, especially gals after they have been hurt or abused. We need people who do not blame us for our mistakes of boundaries, but help us drive out any lies we believe and replace them with God’s wonderful truth that we are valuable.
Thanks so much for sharing with us in this post. We feel honored you joined us, especially since this was one of the more serious posts.