Many people mistrust God, not realizing it is because they had a bad experience with their earthly dad first. When earthly fathers disappoint their children, these dads often set their children up to think of God in similar, disappointing ways.
We know God in three persons, as the Heavenly Father, and the Son (Jesus), and the Holy Spirit (counselor and comforter). Yet in these three persons of God flows one spirit, “God.” This is why we say we believe in one God.
Some people may trust Jesus, as the Son, because they know they are children (sons or daughters of their parents) too. Furthermore, Jesus lived as a humble man, serving others and adoring children, and people find his kindness relatable.
Some people also might either trust or ignore the Holy Spirit. They may not think much about the Holy Spirit. Or they may believe (rightly) He is on their side. Either way, they have good or neutral feelings about the Holy Spirit.
But people with difficult dads will assume their heavenly father is just as difficult. These people may not consciously choose to mistrust their Heavenly Dad. They’ve just grown up feeling that way about their earthly dad, and even if unconsciously, they feel the same unease with the heavenly Father.
When people have problems with their earthly dads, Bible verses about God’s judgment may jump to these hurt people’s minds. They may think of God as a wrathful father who is angry with his children. They might blame their heavenly Father for Jesus’ choice to go to the cross. I’ve heard some angry people say Jesus’ crucifixion is child abuse, and God the Father forced this on Jesus, even though that is not true. In John 10:17-18, Jesus said, “I lay down my life—only to take it up again. No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord. I have authority to lay it down and authority to take it up again.” I don’t blame these hurting and angry people for their frustration with God. They need loving people to show them how much God the Father loves them. In a sense, people hurt by their dads need to relearn that relationship, but this time with the good God.
How can these people disconnect from all the problems with their earthly dads? How do people even know how or why they are so mistrustful of their Heavenly Dad? While I cannot give the answers, I can suggest some ideas for identifying some problems and perhaps ways to seek healing from the earthly pain.
In good relationships, dads need to care for their children in many ways. Missing just one area can cause deep scars in a child, even an adult child, years later. So I decided to create a list of “Dads need to do,” and “Dads shouldn’t do.” If you are unsure why you feel distant towards God, please look at my list and see if any of these areas are painful for you in your earthly daughter-father relationship.
Dads need to do: Dads shouldn’t do:
*emotionally connect *ignore/emotionally neglect
*gives hugs and physical affection *withdraw/refuse to lovingly touch/hit or abuse
*use reasonable voices *yell harshly
*use words of affirmation *give zero praise/insult/overly criticize
*gently notice mistakes and re-teach child *ignore mistakes/angrily insult for her mistakes
*use gentle words *use mean/insulting words
*speak child’s name lovingly/use pet names *never call child’s name/use mean names
*redirect bad behavior with fair discipline *ignore bad behavior/use harsh punishments
*keep the child’s struggles private *gossip & shame child about her struggles
*play with children *ignore or scorn child’s play
*allow children to be their age *demand they grow up too fast/force them to stay
babies
*help children master skills (sports, *demand children know how
arts, school, chores, etc.) to do skills and yell when they struggle
*see children’s mistakes/weaknesses and reassure *ignore mistakes/weaknesses so
her that weaknesses can be overcome child feels ashamed of the weaknesses
*encourage child to pursue her unique interests *ignore their interests/force them to pursue
interests parents want them to pursue
*apologize when wrong and offer to work on *deny having flaws, deny hurting
errors/weaknesses child/blame child for dad’s sin
*enable children to work out reasonable conflict *over-protect from all conflict
*protect child from “way-too-scary” bullies *ignore the too-scary bullies/abandon child to those
the child is incapable of dealing with.
*want to spend plenty of time with child *spend no or little time with child
My list could go on much longer, but I hope this gives you an idea of things a good Dad should do, and the things he should not do. Please look at this list, and if you feel your dad neglected you in any of these ways or others you may have thought of, please know your heavenly Dad is not like this.
I talked about my relationship with my father (and ways he hurt me) in my post “Embracing Grief.” It was hard, and I shared how I worked through the pain in that relationship (it took me an intense year), and how I forgave him and how we grew closer. I also wrote about my damaged relationship with my mom in my post, “Not my Mother’s Favorite Child,” and how I worked on that relationship too. The ways I used to heal may not be the same as yours, but I encourage you to seek healing from the wounded parent (dad or mom) relationship.
When I found healing in both of my parental relationships, I grew closer to the Lord too. Before finding healing with my earthly father, I used to think of God as an emotionally distant father who was angry with me. I realize now, that was because this reflected my earthly father-daughter relationship. Somehow I knew Jesus loved me, but I kept my relationship with the Heavenly Father less close. It was so wonderful to see my Heavenly Father as a loving dad too. While you will need to figure out your own parental relationships and see if any problems with your Heavenly Father reflect your earthly relationships, I want to share some amazing verses about how much God does love us.
I love God’s shameless enthusiasm over us. Look at Zephaniah 3:17 “The Lord your God is with you. He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you. He will quiet you with his love. He will rejoice over you with singing.” Not many earthly parents sing over us, but our Heavenly Father does!
This verse over comes so many of the “bad dad” aspects. This Dad is delighted with you. Clearly he wants to spend time with you. He is not ashamed of you and wants to sing over you. He is not ashamed or disappointed but delighted in you. He is not harsh, but wants to gently hold you, comfort you.
Another shameless “God as dad” story occurs with the prodigal son (Luke 15: 11-32). In Jewish culture, if the son abandoned his family, the father was to cut the son off. But this father (who represents our Heavenly Father in this story) abandons Jewish pride and culture. He even hikes up his robe (considered disrespectful for this older Jew) and runs to embrace his smelly, scrawny run-away-son. He fully forgave him. This story so offended the Jewish leaders, they mocked Jesus. This story so delighted the hated, down cast people (prostitutes, drunks, and other sinners), they flocked to Jesus. Unlike angry, offended dads, our Heavenly Dad adores us and just wants us to repent so he can embrace us and forgive us. We don’t even have to fix our mistakes but come to the Father all messed up and He embraces and forgives us. He is the one who helps us overcome the mistakes. We don’t have to do that alone.
Here are a few more verses, along with some aspects of God’s fatherly kindness that these verses show.
Psalm 68: 5, “Father of the fatherless and protector of widows is God in his holy habitation.” God wants to be our good Father and protect us.
Psalm 103:13, “As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.” God is kind and gentle with us.
James 1: 17 “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.” God is not insincere, and he does not change. He is safe and honest, not a liar, and he gives us the best gifts.
1 John 3:1 “See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know him.” God wants us to be His children.
Proverbs 3: 11-12 “My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline or be weary of his reproof, for the Lord reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights.” God gives us fair discipline; he is never harsh.
Matt. 6: 26 “Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?” God values us and gives us what we need.
Matt. 7:9-11 “Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!” God gives us good gifts and listens to our needs.
Deut. 1:29-31 “Then I said to you, ‘Do not be in dread or afraid of them. The Lord your God who goes before you will himself fight for you, just as he did for you in Egypt before your eyes, and in the wilderness, where you have seen how the Lord your God carried you, as a man carries his son, all the way that you went until you came to this place.” God protects us when we cannot protect ourselves
John 14:23 “Jesus answered him, “If anyone loves me, he will keep my word, and my Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him.” God does not abandon us but wants to spend time with us.
Matt. 6:6 “But when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you.” God honors our privacy and secrets, and he rewards us too.
James 1:5 “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.” God teaches us skills we need!
I could keep typing these wonderful verses, but I want to invite you to explore the Bible too. So please look at your earthly relationship with your dad, and maybe even with your mom. Be honest with yourself, and if you have any problems in these relationships, please invite God in, to heal that pain. I believe in good counseling, with a Christian counselor if you feel these troubles are too intense for you to face alone. If your struggles are not so severe, you might find journaling or talking to a good friend or kind pastor may also help you to work through these struggles.
The first step in healing is admitting you have pain and struggles. And if you have friends who are not Christian or who have walked away from God, share this post with them. If they don’t want to read it, work with them in looking at ways their earthly relationships (especially with their earthly dad) have negatively impacted their relationship (or lack of one) with their Heavenly Father.
I know God has good plans for your life and for your friend’s life. Healing is a hard road, but it is so worthwhile. God can become so close to you, and not just as a formal deity in the sky you think about. Pray and let God enter even the hardest places of your heart. He adores you and wants to comfort you and not hurt you.
I know I left off another huge area where people can be estranged from God, and this comes from earthly disappointments in life circumstances–meaning, they did not get from life what they wanted. They feel ripped off by God. But I need to write about that in a future post, so please wait for it. I will write that post next!
In the meantime, please know I ask God, in my prayer journal (every day), to let me write in a way that blesses my readers, comforts them and brings them God’s shalom. If there is ever a topic you would like me to discuss, please use the contact form to let me know. I pray over ever post and then trust God will guide me to bring you joy and maybe teach you something too. Thank you so much for joining us in this post today.