* this post follows 2 others on personality (“No favorite child” and “4 Greek Temperaments”) and builds on those 2 posts.
Love Language (love preference) is another area where gals differ from one another (and from men). When we learn how people express their love differently, we can better meet their needs and have our needs met. But we must realize our expression of love language is another innate difference between people, and we cannot insist: “Everyone should be like me,” nor can we force ourselves to pretend we are like everyone else. We get to be our distinct selves.
Dr. Gary Chapman counseled thousands of people over decades and discovered they all express their love in five main ways: acts of service, gift giving, quality time, words of affirmation, and physical touch. Everyone can use all of these love methods, but people tend to favor one or two more than the others. This sounds pleasant, but if two people use different love languages without understanding the other person’s innate preference they could end up accusing each other of not showing love.
This happened with my mom and me (although I never dared accuse my mom of anything), and this mismatch of love languages causes fights between friends and couples too. For example, if a physically affectionate gal wants hugs, but instead her hands-off hubby often did chores for her and then tells her he loves her, she would feel emotionally starved, and her husband would resent her for not feeling loved after receiving his domestic help.
When a person prefers a style of love, she expresses her love doing things in that style. She also expects others to use that style to give her love (hence the affectionate wife did not appreciate the acts of service but wanted the hugs given back to her). No style of love is wrong, but it is essential we look at how these “love languages” work. Then a gal can ask others to meet her love needs (the wife can thank her husband but clarify that she still needs hugs for her own style of love), and she can learn to ask others what they want too (thank her husband and even do some special acts for him).
Acts of Service
This was my mom’s main language of love. As a child, I ranked this as my least important language of love (not that I knew these terms). Can you see how my mom and I had a mismatch? Now that I am a mom, I better value this quality, as well as my mom’s service to me. My mom dutifully cooked every single dinner for us (when humanly possible), even though I suspect she found it boring. She never complained, but she was not the type to read recipe magazines, and her cooking was healthy but basic (not her desserts—they were amazing and adventurous, and I know she preferred dessert too). As a result, I truly believe this was a huge sacrifice for her, and she always did it. She drove us to all of our appoints, from the doctor, to the dentist, to the orthodontist and more, without my dad’s help. She got us signed up for school. She washed our clothes, etc. She was generous with her love in this way. Acts of service can also include other acts for another, such as washing a car, or caring for someone’s pet. The acts are things a person does to help another person.
Gift Giving
This was my mom’s second language of love (and my 2nd to last preference for showing love). This was not nearly as strong of a preference for her, but my mom clearly did prefer this one next. She let us choose whatever flavor of cake we wanted for our birthday. Money was tight when we were young, but she managed to get dolls and art supplies to me when I was very young, and athletic items for my 2 older brothers and younger sister. She bought what we wanted even if it was a simple (not brand name) item. I was always happy with these gifts. When I was an adult, my mom sold Avon and she bought my favorite scents. She put effort into figuring out what we liked.
Gift giving does not need to cost any money, just the thought. For example, a gift giver may return from a walk with an interesting rock or sea shell and tell her friend the gift made her think of her friend. She might bake a special treat for another, just because she wanted to give a gift. She can be frugal, but if she has the money, she will be generous. She may share of her own food at a restaurant (that is a gift), her clothes (lending them generously or even giving them to a friend who admires an item). She loves to give to others. But she does need to hear others say, “Thank you.”
Quality Time
This is not “quantity” of time. This is not spending lots of time with someone while doing your own thing. This is sharing time and giving the other person your undivided attention. This is time spent looking into a friend’s eyes, listening closely to her words and responding from your committed mind and heart (heart and mind fully engaged). This is time where you do things with your friend that she wants to do. This is time where you let the other person know she is important to you, and you value her interests. If you do things you like, you make sure your friend enjoys them too. This is my 3rd favorite of the languages of love (and my mom’s 3rd favorite too—our middle preference).
Words of Affirmation
This is either my 2nd favorite, or it is tied with affection for first. This was my mom’s 2nd to least favorite (she really did not like this one when I was a child). This gal needs to give and also hear words of encouragement. She needs to hear about the things she does right and to tell you the things you do well. She needs to know how she pleases you or helps you and tells you the way you please and help her. She enjoys written as well as spoken words. She needs to hear how much your value her, and she will tell you the same thing back. She wants to hear that you want to have her around and will tell you this too. She withers under sarcasm and harsh criticisms and she will not use them on you (unless she is walking in her flesh and not allowing God to lead her).
Physical Affection
This was my favorite language of love and my mother’s most hated one. Other than my dad’s touch, my mom did not seem (at least to me) to like others to touch her, even when I was a toddler. She actually complained that the nurses were hugging her too much when she was in a nursing home. I suppose she needed lots of personal space. Because she was so good at acts of love, my mom assumed I knew she loved me, even when I whined when she pushed away my needy hands that begged for hugs and pats on the back. We did work this out when I was an adult, but I must have driven my poor mom crazy with my need for touch. The gal who craves physical affection likes meaningful touch, never harsh touch (and she never gives a harsh touch either). She does not want angry jabs with a thumb. She hates being slapped or shoved forcefully (even if this person says that is his style of joking). Harsh physical touch betrays her desire to hug, pat a back or hold a hand tenderly. She loves to give physical affection and loves to receive it.
She also does not want a man she does not know well to try to force his physical affection (like a too-close hug). She is in no hurry for romantic touch. The touch she wants is friendly and sisterly. A guy friend, whom she trusts, can hug her, although it must be a gentle and innocent touch.
Because my mom hated to touch me very much or be touched by me as much as I wanted, I questioned whether she loved me. I had to become an adult and learn about the 5 languages of love to realize my mom did love me. Then I could recognize and appreciate her many acts of love. I’ll write more about that relationship in a future post.
The main reason I share about these languages of love is due to the discord I have seen others (and my mom and me) experience. For some of us, we figured out ways to meet each others’ needs, even if later in life. If you are in a relationship with someone who does not meet your love language needs, you may need to explain this concept to her (or him). Many people are unaware of these God-given differences (my 2 preferences were hard wired in me even when I was a toddler). It is hard, and it may take some tries, but keep telling others about what you need, and also ask them about what they need. If you explain this concept, they may be willing to make changes in how they relate to you (again, I wrote more about this in a story I will post soon—about my mom and me).
I know God uses all five styles in loving us. He uses other people to deliver some of these styles of love (such as hugs and acts of service), but also in person, he gives us great gifts. Furthermore, in the Bible, his word, he tells us how much he adores and appreciates us. He also tells us, in the Bible that he yearns to spend quality time with us. When God sends the rain, he gives me an act of service, because I don’t have to water my garden! We cannot accuse another of using the wrong style, because God gave her that style. And if others accuse us, we can remind them that we are all different. But we do have a right to ask our friends to also use the style of love that we need.
I hope this encouraged you to be the gal God wanted you to be. And I hope this helps you to work on any difficult relationships where there has been a mismatch of love styles (my mom and I did so much better later in her life). God has great plans for your life, and he has already given you so much love.