Unhealthy neediness is ungodly and causes people to do foolish things, cling to people, make unfair demands and operate out of fear. In contrast, people can have healthy needs, such as babies, frail elderly people, and very close friends and spouses who let themselves express vulnerable needs to enable the relationship to grow. Neediness becomes unhealthy when we demand more than others should give us. This neediness replaces God whose love can calm all of our needy fears and give us insight to make wise choices instead.
At times we may have fallen into a temporary lull of neediness due to extremes like trauma, tragedy, sickness, exhaustion and even lesser sources of trouble that last for shorter times. Children can also become needy if a parent becomes less available like when a new baby arrives, or a parent gets sent overseas (military) or a parent must work over time. And losing someone we love (or a group of beloved people) can trigger some neediness too. It is so important to know that some neediness is natural, and we need to have compassion for ourselves and others, especially children, when we or they become needy for a short season.
People often recognize these triggers and they might show compassion to a needy child or friend. People are also likely to remain compassionate if the needy person begins to heal and resume acting reasonably. But when we or our loved ones continue to act unwholesomely needy for a too-long time, we must address this neediness. First let’s look at ourselves. When it is us, we need to seek God’s love and healing plus a very, very strong community of people who can tolerate our behavior while we heal. Yes, we do still need people, even when we are acting “too needy.” But only very strong, Christ-filled people can handle us at that time. Romans15:1, “We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak and not to please ourselves.” Sometimes a licensed Christian counselor can also help us. Even though “overly needy” people might cling to others, not having any other person is also bad. Extremes are not good for us.
Some neediness is natural, from babies to mentally ill people, to frail elderly people to people who are desperately ill. So please remember, I’m addressing an extreme in neediness where we or the other person have accidentally replaced our rock solid confidence in the Lord’s love with fear. We know the opposite of love is fear. Look at 1John4:18, “There is no fear in love. But perfect love casts out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” Fear takes our eyes off of God’s powerful love. 1John4:7, “Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.” Once we don’t feel God’s love, fear inspires us to worry we won’t be loved. Fear inspires us to try too hard to care for ourselves while neglecting others or even accidentally hurting them. Fear causes a woman to date or even marry an unkind or even angry man who recognizes her neediness and uses it against her to make unreasonable demands or even abuse her.
This needy fear can cause a person to be loud or rude, because the person loses her (or his) sense of others’ need for a peaceful and respectful environment. We must recognize neediness in ourselves or others, even if we may have never been that needy or it was long ago and we have centered our lives in God’s love now. We might slip into a lesser form of neediness at a moment of stress, or we may realize a person we know and love operates out of this needy fear. If we don’t know the person well and thus don’t have a mutually accountable relationship, we may still be able to say a little to assuage the needy person’s fear. We can reassure people we accept them, and if they are open, let them know God loves them so they can turn to him. Of course we don’t confront people we are not close to.
We have to be careful with needy people, in some ways as we must be careful with a drowning person. Drowning people have been known to grab others so forcefully, they drown the person trying to help. Specialists warn we should throw a floatation device to a drowning person and not try to help him or her. Even life guards use floatation devices. In a way we need to do this with overly needy people. They can suck up all of our time and energy, so we have to have healthy boundaries. They can take everything we have. Furthermore, there are seasons in our lives when we have far less to give. My friend’s husband just died this July. She is heart broken, and I reminded her that she does not have to be a “giver” right now. In this season of loss, she is allowed to cry and spend plenty of time alone, talking to God. As much as she is a giver, right now she needs to receive and rest.
At one time, the girls had a friend and I was friends with the mom, even though they were often very needy. At that time, we three gals were strong and had the emotional strength to do way more giving than receiving from these friends. But something very difficult occurred in our own lives, so we could not give as much anymore, due to our own needs. Suddenly we could see just how much this mom and her daughter demanded, but now we could NOT give to them far more than they gave us. This displeased them both, and they did not understand our struggles during a very long and hard season in our lives. We had to pull back from them, because the daughter began to get rough with my girls (physically knocking them down.) We just could not maintain healthy boundaries with them. The daughter would not stop being too harsh with my girls. It was especially important for me as a mother to protect my daughters, not just for their physical well being, but also emotionally, since the girl was also draining my girls emotionally. We could not handle the struggle in our own life, on top of their many problems and demands. We could not maintain the friendship.
Yet the girls and I could still be kind to a widow in our neighborhood who is a bit bossy and very demanding of our listening ear. She just wants to talk too much and demands slight hugs (nothing creepy—more of an a-frame hug), but she is harmless, just a bit needy. But she did not overwhelm us and after a few minutes of our listening, she is happy. She did not drain us, even during that hard time in our lives.
So we need to be honest with ourselves about how much we can give. When we do not have more to give to an overly needy person, we must say, “No.” Or if we can give, we have to determine how much we can or should give. Sometimes people ask for things they can learn to do for themselves. We can ask God to guide us whether a person needs something or is just taking too much. And we have to be careful about “spiritual abuse.” I have heard people say, “I thought you were religious, so you should do this for me.” I have to admit, I think, “What does ‘religious’ even mean to them?” But getting back to the point, some people think they can force us to do things for them, because we are Christians. Sadly, the first man I married actually told me he was bitter, because I never changed. He actually said, “I admit I lied to you and don’t believe in God the way you do, but I thought that once you married me you would change and become the person I wanted you to be and then believe in God the way I do,” (which was not faith in God at all, but just scary legalism without any heart for God.) He actually thought that a good Christian gal would do what he thought of as “submitting” (giving up my personality to become his robot) and “submitting” to his false idea of God and of a marriage. I am so glad to say God helped me see through that lie, and that man moved out in anger. In his abandonment he took all of his hatred and abuse with him, and my home was peaceful again. But he is not alone in trying to take advantage of others, due to their Christian faith.
We may be strong in our faith, but we must teach our children (sons and daughters), and our younger Christian friends about these wolves. They are needy, but in the case of wolves like that man, they have never loved God and only want to take from us. In the case of the mom and daughter, they had problems, yet I also believe they loved us. But they were both unwilling to listen to any voice of reason, and when the daughter began to harm my girls, I had to stop that relationship, even though I knew they needed “someone.” I prayed and trusted God would send the right, much stronger “someone,” (perhaps a mom with a son who was strong and who could stand up to the daughter.) The right someone was definitely not my tender-hearted daughters.
And my daughters are still kind to others, even needy friends. They have a friend now who can get a bit needy, but she has a good heart. She does listen to wisdom, and I think she is growing and becoming less needy. My daughters can be friends with her, because she does not demand more than my girls can give. So please never think you are “The One,” to save just any needy person. Some needy people are not the one God called you to care for, and you do not need to feel guilty about that. They can overwhelm you, just like the drowning person. You must know your strengths and also your weaknesses. If this person is overwhelming you, not only back off, but pray for the right person to come forward into this person’s life. He or she exists and will help that person, if the needy person is overwhelming you.
And if you find yourself being the needy person, you must find strong friends, (true Christians are great), who can come alongside you and listen to you while you heal and learn to give that neediness to God. And if it is a child, show compassion and also determine if you can help him or her or not. Even as a special education teacher, I had to learn which students I could help and which ones I could not help. There was always a right teacher, though in two instances it was not me. That is OK, because I cannot be all things to all people, and neither can you, nor if you are needy should you demand this of all others. If you are needy, God will guide you. If your friend is needy, God will show you if or how you can encourage him or her. Remain open to the Holy Spirit who will show you what you should do. And always stay close to God’s love, because he adores you. It is Satan who wants to mess up your life or your friend’s! (John 10:10, “The thief’s purpose is to steal, kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich, satisfying life.”)
I pray we have blessed you with this post. In my own life I have been the needy person and also the one giving to needy people. God knows where you are, and I pray he gives you joy and peace as you figure out where God would have you! Thanks for reading this post, and be sure to use my new buttons for sharing via Facebook or Twitter.