Dealing with Difficult People

When we say certain people are difficult, we might mean we don’t understand them, or we might mean they are being very cruel to us.  People are different in many ways, but for now let’s examine these two categories where we have trouble getting along with others.   If we can differentiate these two groups, we might be able to use strategies to deal with these people. 

Consider the first group.  People who are very different might annoy us, because they do things differently than we do.  Many people have a bias and, even if subconsciously, feel everyone is the same or should be the same. Unfortunately human nature (until we overcome its critical side) assumes, “I am the normal one,” when we interact with those different from us.  Believing their personality is the “only right one,” they assume those who do not act like them are wrong.  Many conflicts come from people thinking others are wrong for not acting like them.  We cannot change others.  We should not want to change their inherent nature, but we can learn to better understand them. 

Most likely you are reading this, because you respect people’s different personalities, but some of the difficult people in your life have not respected your personality and have called you weird, as if they were perfect.  I am shocked by how many people do not believe God gave people vastly different personalities.  This area of ignorance creates many if not most conflicts.  Please invite these judging people to read my post “Difficult Person or Different Personality,” and “Four Greek Temperaments” about two areas of God-given temperament.  Some people can be taught to see the truth of God’s creation of personality/temperament.  If they are believers, have them look at the Bible verses about the Body of Christ (1Cor. 12: 12-27).  We see many “members” of the body of the church, but each member is different and does different things.

If they are not Christians, remind them about two scenarios that occur in life.  First, medical research requires intense time alone, and it requires someone with a highly logical mind.  These people are introverted, logical thinkers.  Contrast this with a preschool teacher who is surrounded by children who need her tender love.  These people are often extroverted feelers.  In these two areas, these two groups of people have opposite temperaments.  They are undeniably different.

You have a different personality from this difficult person to whom you are explaining all of this.  I doubt you can fully convince this difficult person the truth of temperament/personality in just one conversation.  Yet you are challenging her to look beyond her narrow definition of people.

We have to look at our own weaknesses too.  We may know people have different personalities, but are we the ones pushing too hard against someone who is truly different from us?  Could it be possible that we find someone difficult to get along with, because she (or he) is vastly different from us?  I invite you to again read my two posts on personality/temperament, and familiarize yourself with these two major areas of temperament.  These two areas do not even cover all aspects of personality/temperament, just two major areas.  There are many other aspects of personality.  We need to be aware of how people do things differently, because they ARE different.  Understanding (even studying) these differences can really help us get along with these kinds of “difficult” people.

But what do we do when the “difficult” person is unjustifiably MEAN?  Sadly there are some people who are unkind, because they have wrong ideas (such as “I’m better than others,” or “You had better know I am the boss, or I’ll crush you,” etc.).  These people are not Christians, not yet.  (I pray they come to the Lord).  I am not referring to grumpy people who are working on being kinder (they can be Christians).  I’m referring to people who have neither surrendered their hearts to Christ, nor have they agreed to basic moral decency (which many non-Christians do follow, and they are kinder, friendlier people, despite not knowing the Lord).

Sadly, the “truly mean” people are the hardest to deal with, because they lack moral restraints.  Not believing they must follow God’s laws or even social morals, these people expect to be treated well while they disrespect or even abuse others.  Often the gentle approach does not work with these people.  No matter what personality or temperament they have, they will hurt others.  The professor from my “Abnormal Psychology” class contrasted these mean people with normal people.  If someone said “Stop doing that, because you might hurt another person,” normal people would stop out of concern for others.  But she contrasted this with a mean person (she used terms like “character disordered.”) She said they have to hear, “Do you want to go back to jail? Then stop.” 

Do not be subtle with mean people.  Clearly state your boundaries, regarding what you can and cannot tolerate.  Then let the mean people know if they cross your boundary, you will give consequences, whether legal or quicker consequences like ending the conversation, and if need be, ending the relationship.  Involving the law is not an un-Christian consequence.  There are times when Christians need to press legal charges.  When Jesus said to “walk the extra mile,”(Matt.5:41) and “turn the other cheek” (Matt.5:38), he meant showing self-restraint when it was safe, and for the Gospel’s sake, never for a mean person’s lazy and selfish convenience.   Jesus did not put up with this kind of behavior, and he chased out the thieves who called themselves “money changers” in the temple (John 2:13-16).  They were not honorable bankers, but guys who were stealing from the Israelites who came to worship God.  Jesus called them bad, and he even called the Pharisees “white washed tombs,” (Matt. 23:27-28) which was a true statement, even though it made the insincere Pharisees angry.  They had been stealing from widows, the most vulnerable people in that day (Mark 12:40).

Therefore, if these mean people break laws, they need consequences before they hurt more people, especially the most vulnerable people.  Mean people easily misquote the Scripture to try to force the innocent people to bend to these mean people’s will.  We are not to bend to human will, but to God.  These people will use guilt and shame to try to force us to do things they can and should do for themselves (or even try to get us to do things no one should be doing). 

We could use the term “manipulator” to describe these people.  Never blame yourself if you encounter this kind of manipulator.  Abusers (bad guys) go after everyone, not just people with weak boundaries.  I mentioned this in my post “Bad Guys Pursue Everyone.” The bad guys (and bad gals) will keep coming back to those who enable them, so we must stand up to them.

I will keep this post short, because I wanted to introduce this concept but not go into so much detail I bored you, my readers.  If you would like me to expand on this subject, please let me know in the comments.  Otherwise, I hope this introduction to dealing with difficult people has encouraged you and given you ways to better handle these two different types of “difficult” people. 

In the end, we must also love them.  Jesus actually loved the Pharisees, even though he called them “White Washed Tombs.”  Jesus proved his love by going to the cross, and while the Pharisees were mocking Jesus on the cross, he cried out, “Father forgive them, for they know not what they are doing,” (Luke 23:34).  Jesus could be firm with difficult people, but still love them.  We can do the same.  When possible, we can aim to interact with these people by getting to know them better and understand them.  When these people are intolerable (very mean), we might need to forgive them and love them from a safe distance.  But we must never hate them.

May the Lord bless your week!  We love you!