Compulsions and Addictions: Where do They Come From?

In my last post I talked about struggles gals have when they bury their emotions and no longer know what they are truly feeling.   I introduced the idea of compulsions (some people call these addictions) that we use to block our emotions.

Where do these compulsions (bad habits we are addicted to) come from?  I don’t refer to mild habits like double checking locked doors.  I mean harmful behaviors we or our loved ones hate, yet keep doing often.  These compulsions range from milder ones to extreme forms.  For example, we might have a worry that we overcome.  But on the extreme side, some gals suffer anxious thoughts that keep them up at night and haunt them during the day.  Some people might have a tiny sweet-tooth, and want one cookie after lunch everyday.  Yet others, like I used to be, will eat many cookies or the entire box of cookies, due to their compulsion.  If the one cookie per day gal has normal blood sugar and is at a decent weight, the cookie is not a harmful compulsion.  The extreme cookie consumption is harmful.

Some compulsions are very dangerous, such as extreme liquor consumption (lots of it), and drug abuse, both of which can lead to severe diseases and death.  Why would someone misuse these substances so they become dangerous?

Whether a person has a less dangerous but still harmful compulsion (the excess cookies) or the very dangerous compulsions (the extreme liquor or drug abuse), this gal is suffering pain or stress she cannot handle.  Some say a gal might accidentally get hooked on drugs or alcohol, because she initially drank or used drugs, due to peer pressure.  But consider some gals who never touch those things, because they have high self esteem and could care less what their peers pressure them to do.  There is still pain for gals who follow the crowd and don’t listen to their own hearts.  Furthermore, once a gal is addicted to a substance, her self esteem will drop, due to her shame over her inability to give up this substance.

I believe we fall into these addictions/compulsions, because of our wrong thoughts and blocked emotions.  People ask, which came first, the wrong ideas and thoughts or the blocked emotions?  It is hard to say for sure, since one of my false beliefs (which my well-meaning father taught me) was that sorrow and anger are sinful, and good Christians must never feel these.  This false belief caused me to stuff my feelings. Yet I also stuffed my feelings, because my dad considered himself the boss of our home (a very wrong title for any father to claim in any home, especially a Christian home), and he was a very, very angry man. 

Yet permissive parents also bring their children grief, because these children do not feel loved, due to the lack of healthy boundaries and discipline.  Children actually thrive when their parents discipline them when they are wrong.  Never let teens convince you this is false.  Teens only try to trick their parents while acting out of their flesh, not their true heart.  When parents give in to these teens, neither the parent, nor the teen ends up happy.  The teen loses respect for her parent, yet also for herself, because she could get away with doing something wrong, with her parent’s permission.

Children have an innate sense of right and wrong, even though they also have the sin nature that wants to rebel against right and wrong.  Watch a toddler take a toy from another and see the robbed toddler cry out against this injustice (even though he or she might steal a toy from a friend at a different time).

There are many reasons why a gal might pick up a compulsion, and not all of the reasons begin in childhood, although gals need to first look back at their childhood to see if any of the problems may have started there.  False beliefs can even sneak in when a child’s parent did not mean to teach wrong ideas.  A perfectionist-parent might instill this same demanding style in a child, without the parent ever speaking about it.  Parents have many bad ideas and habits they can accidentally instill in their children.  Parents can also avoid this by being honest about their weaknesses and calling their sins, sin, so the children don’t accidentally pick up that sin by the parent’s modeling.

Adults can also pick up compulsions, because they are pushing themselves too hard or even due to the company they keep.  From perfectionism to procrastination, bad habits (from our friends or family) can become contagious.  We need to watch the behavior of those we interact with and not follow their examples.

The key in all of these instances is to be honest with ourselves and admit we have a problem.  We cannot change what we deny we suffer.  Next we have to be willing to let God examine our hearts.  Jeremiah said (Jer. 7:9-10) “The heart is deceitful above all things, And desperately wicked; Who can know it? I, the LORD, search the heart, I test the mind, Even to give every man according to his ways, According to the fruit of his doings.”  God can change our hearts, but only if we surrender to him.  In Proverbs 3:5-6, we learn we need to “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.”

In James 4:8, the apostle said, “Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.”

So we surrender to the Lord, trusting he can help us find the source of our compulsion.  Please be aware that these first two steps can take a long, long time, because our flesh (the sin nature) does not want to give up its compulsion.  We might think we are ready for God to examine us, but we make excuses.  We might think we have surrendered to him, but we only say we are doing so.   We have to be fully ready to surrender a big problem to God. Until we are 100% ready, we will just take back all our problems.  We have to hit our version of rock bottom (not what someone else might find unbearable). Otherwise we will not truly admit our problem or not truly invite God to change us. We also have to truly believe God can help us. If we do not trust God, we will not progress past these two steps.

So if you have trouble trusting God, don’t try to go forward with this process and don’t rush it. Instead savor the Bible verses about promises God has kept in the past.  Look at the Bible stories where God proved he was faithful. Here are just 2 verses from Psalms about God’s trustworthiness: Psalm 33:4 “For the word of the Lord is upright, and all His work is done in faithfulness.” Also Psalm 18:30 “As for God, His way is blameless; the word of the Lord is tried; he is a shield to all who take refuge in Him.”  Spend time with Christians with strong faith who have lived long and can tell you how God has been faithful to them.

Once we admit we have this problem that we can’t overcome, and once we 100% sincerely give our problem to God, we can begin to work with him. These first 2 steps do not solve our problem. They are just the beginning.   We have to be ready to surrender our problem to the Lord. This is painful, and we cannot rush this step either, because it hurts to fully admit we have a compulsion we hate and cannot overcome.  Again, I urge you to get involved with other loving people, especially Christians who love and support you.  It can be brutally hard to admit we have a compulsion that controls us, and when people do not love us, we will only simmer in their shame.  We need people who accept us so we can enter this step.

I did not give up my compulsion alone. I worked with a counselor.  Some people can work with a friend or pastor to overcome these struggles, and you need to decide how you want to do this.  Even at this point, we will not have fully overcome our compulsions.  We need to find safe places for dealing with our wrong ideas/thoughts and our hidden feelings. I did go over that process in my post from last week called “What are You Feeling?”  So I don’t want to bore you with too many details. 

The heart of this post is the idea that our compulsions stem from our stresses and pain, which may also come from our wrong ideas and blocked emotions.  So many of our problems end up in a circle of wrong beliefs and actions, but in the end, these circling wrong beliefs, hidden emotions, pain and stress get us into trouble.  Figuring out where they came from is not a fast and easy method. 

I apologize to anyone who hoped I could tell you exactly where these compulsions came from, and how to instantly remove them.  I cannot do this, because that cannot happen.  This is a long process, and even after we get one part right, we can still make mistakes.  Yet conquering our compulsions can be done.  I did it with my sugar compulsion, which stemmed from my terrible father-daughter relationship. I did more than overcome a decades-long sugar compulsion. I also overcame a very bad relationship, not by walking away, but by confronting it and (because my father was sorry and willing to work on the relationship) by working very, very hard.  Furthermore, my relationship with my dad was never perfect after that, but it was so much better.  I had peace when he died.  Also, although I overcame my sugar compulsion, and for decades my weight was easy to maintain, thyroid problems and menopause did set in.  Now I have to work hard to keep my weight down, and it is still higher than it was before these metabolism stealers.  So life is not perfect.  But I can buy sweets for my girls and never eat them up myself.  I also enjoy the food I eat (much smaller portions today than a decade ago).  I have a rich and fulfilling life with peace.

God has not just “good plans” for your life, but “great plans.” (Jer. 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord.  Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.”)  But Satan wants to rob you and hide the possibility of your success and the success of any gal you know who has unhealed compulsions (addictions).  Satan wants you to keep your eyes on the problem, not the hope and the answers.  Answers do exist. I promise, because I have lived them.  I used to hate myself for my sugar compulsion, but also because I had so many emotions hidden.  These stuffed emotions caused me to not like myself (at times hate myself).  The healing is real, and it is available for you.  Please enter this journey today.  Contact me in the comments section is you have any questions or want individual encouragement.  I believe in you, and God does too.

Thanks for joining us in this post.  I pray we have encouraged you, and you will come back to learn more about our wonderful walk with our wonderful Savior who wants the best life for us.