Last week I talked about those who want to be imposters so they can use others. But anyone can get caught up in trying to control others, not realizing that the controller will be in bondage. Any time we try to control others, we become controlled. God has called us to honor others, but Satan wants to control everyone (John 10:10, “The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy.”) When we do not honor others but instead control them, we fall into Satan’s trap. Only when we allow others to live the lives God has called them to, do we enjoy full freedom for ourselves. This is a paradox of life; set others free, and we ourselves also go free (Galatians 5:13, “For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.”) So please join us this week as I explore the bondage we fall into when we control others.
God calls us to care for some people, but we might fall into controlling them if we let our flesh dictate how we do this. We need the Holy Spirit to guide us so that our care honors the independence of others. Young babies have far less independence than older children, so our control must change as children age. And when someone we love becomes violently ill, we may have to take significant control of their lives until they can become healthy and independent again. Both of those situations allow us to make changes as a person’s needs change. This is a normal part of human inter-relationships. Both of those situations are somewhat obvious.
But in some situations, we may become confused about how much control we need to take and how much we should let go of directing the other person. Some of us have a codependent personality, where we will take on too much responsibility for another person and do far too much for someone who should do that work for herself or himself. They may control us by their demands, though they may eventually resent us and think we are trying to control them by all that we do for them. Then other people have a take-charge personality, and they may want to take over others’ lives and direct them, when God has not called such a person to do so. That person may be successful as a nurse, teacher, or caring professional, but she must not bring that take-charge behavior home and try to run the lives of those around her (Matt.20:26 “Yet it shall not be among you; but whoever desires to become great among you, let him be your servant.”)
Whether people fall into doing for others what they should do for themselves or into telling others what to do when they should let others figure out their own lives, this controlling is opposed to God’s will for people’s lives. We MUST listen to God’s call in our lives, and since the Holy Spirit comes freely to any believer in Christ, controlling others opposes the Holy Spirit’s plan for their lives, (John 16:13, “When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth, for he will not speak on his own authority, but whatever he hears he will speak, and he will declare to you the things that are to come.”) But Satan wants people to over-rule the Holy Spirit in other people’s lives. Whether by mistake (such as a codependent who calls her husband’s boss to lie and say he is sick when he has a hang-over) or on purpose (when a controller bosses another person around to fulfill the controller’s every whim) controllers get in the way of God’s plan. Whether intentionally or by mistake, the controller makes an idol of herself or of the other person.
In my life, I made an idol of my current husband when I co-dependently ran around, constantly trying to appease him and fulfill his every whim. He became an idol to me, although I did not become an idol to him. I have known other women who also tried to appease angry husbands, and they ended up making idols of fear or anger out of their husbands. Our husbands are fellow human beings who do not have all the power. They may sin, but they also have feelings, hopes and dreams. When we have the courage to say, “No,” to their ungodly whims but still honor their true needs, we can let them exist as the men God called them to be, fallible humans with whom we sometimes agree, and sometimes disagree. Often when we let them be human, we can find the courage to say, “No,” to them. Then at other times, we can show them compassion. In this way we may find more peace in our relationship, whether or not the men are pursuing the Lord.
It may seem ironic that a fearful wife saying, “No” to her bossy husband could actually bring peace, since initially that husband will be angry that she has changed the dynamic in their relationship (Leviticus 19:17 “Do not nurse hatred in your heart for any of your relatives. Confront people directly so you will not be held guilty for their sin.”). But over time, as she pursues the Holy Spirit, that man may change, and he will be forced to respect her for her courage. At the worst, he may leave her. Often that man, if he is not too ungodly, will begin to respect her courage and ability to determine what God has called her to do and not do for him. That husband may have to do things that God wanted the guy to do for himself. In time that man may even realize he should never have demanded so much of his wife. But even if the man remains angry or even leaves the woman (as my first husband did), she will have peace of mind knowing she is doing what God has called her to do. She will no longer resent doing things for the man that God never called her to do. And best of all, she will have the peace of mind knowing that she is back in God’s will and not playing “savior” to her husband (or any other person for whom she has been doing too much.)
When imposters use others, they often grow tired of that person, toss her aside and then go on to find another victim. I am embarrassed to admit I was my first husband’s third wife, and after only two years with him, he left me and later married his fourth wife. People may simply think these people grow tired, because they took as much out of their victim as they could and there was nothing left to take. But part of the reason these imposters leave their first victim is that they never get what they want. They need the Lord, but they cannot find him by taking from others (Matt.7:12, “Therefore whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.”) Eventually their own emptiness causes them to think they will find the thrill they need from someone else, as if the first victim was not enough for them. These people will never find satisfaction, because only God can fulfill all of our needs. Furthermore, those people do not want to work at a relationship. Shortly before he left me, that husband, in anger said, “Marriage should be as easy as falling off a log. But you expect me to work at it.” This contradicts Phils.2:3 “Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others as better than himself.”
An evil man will not work at a marriage, but a good man will work hard. Imposters who want to use others will not work hard in a marriage, because they want to take and take. They never want to overcome their flaws and rough sides. They want to be adored even when they are sinning and being cruel. They do not live in reality. For Christ called the husband to sacrifice of himself to serve his wife (Ephesians, chapter 5.) Jesus gave his life for the church, and this is how a good husband should love his wife. The wife should not be the only one sacrificing for her husband, but that work should be mutual. Over time the imposters and other control freaks will reveal their true nature, which Jesus confirmed in Matt. 7:16, “You can identify them by their fruit, that is, by the way they act. Can you pick grapes from thorn bushes, or figs from thistles?” The Holy Spirit will give us the discerning we need, but we must rely on him.
So in essence, we need control; we need the Holy Spirit to control us. Then we will not strive to control others or let them control us. Please welcome the Holy Spirit into every aspect of your life, especially to direct your relationships. Over time, he can bring you so much victory, and next week I will write more about this wonderful aspect of the Holy Spirit’s power in our lives. Thanks for joining us in this week’s post. May the Lord bless you this week.