I wondered, “Why do people betray our trust? Why do people tell lies and use us?”
But I remembered a wise man once asked, “Why not?” meaning why would sinners not sin? Why would liars not tell lies? Without Christ’s transformation, people will do treacherous things. Some people refuse God’s intervention and never stop bullying. Think of money changers Jesus threw out of the temple because they were robbing innocent worshippers. The Pharisees only loved money and even after he confronted them, they ignored the people they were abusing (Matthew, chapter 21).
Yet my heart still ached and asked, “How can people claim they love us and then betray us?” I feel sad to admit that some people have a cruel or vindictive nature. If we hate taking revenge, we may never understand a vindictive nature. We may never understand how people could tell us lies to hurt us.
Some people only lie about something they dislike, such as a person’s hair cut and say, “Yes I like it.” They would only lie to us, because they don’t want to hurt us (telling a lie still isn’t good, and I’ll get to that another time, so please wait for that post).
It hurts to learn others willingly lie and deceive to use and harm us. For gentle souls, we have to accept this scary reality: some people are so deeply selfish they will hurt others and lie, and they will do that over and over. The recovery movement calls some of those harsh people addicts when they lie and abuse due to an addiction (drugs, gambling or other things). Yet some people with no addictions have sold out to evil. They won’t stop telling lies, even using others, because they can get away with this. They actually enjoy hurting others.
We, trusting souls, feel devastated when people claim to befriend us, but use us instead. We need God’s wisdom to correct our misguided trust. He gives wisdom if we ask Him. When we have been stung, over and over, we can ask God to open our eyes to bully’s cruel plans, even those who claim to love us. And when warning signs come, we cannot deny what is happening or being said. Pain intensifies as we keep assuming people who hurt us before are now innocent when instead they keep behaving cruelly. We feel like fools for our continued naivety. Instead of beating ourselves up, we must ask God for that wisdom! He will help us to force ourselves to accept reality, including the reality of someone’s cruelty and betrayal. The longer we deny reality or believe the lies people tell us, the more pain we will feel.
Despite our gentle souls we must learn to fight back. It may feel wrong to label someone’s actions, but we must discern the fruit of a bad tree! There are scriptures that talk about not judging {“Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Luke 7:37}. It might seem we should never judge. Yet let’s look more closely. The term “judge” here was about judging someone to damnation and saying they are worthless (note, Luke clarified this fact by saying “do not condemn”).
Yet many scriptures tell us we are to judge (“Judge your neighbor fairly,” Leviticus 19:15b, “Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment,” John 7:24, “As for those who persist in sin, rebuke them in the presence of all, so that the rest may stand in fear… I charge you to keep these rules without prejudging, doing nothing from partiality.” 1 Tim. 5: 20-21, “Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves. You will know them by their fruits. Grapes are not gathered from thorn bushes, nor figs from thistles, are they? Even so, every good tree bears good fruit; but the bad tree bears bad fruit…So then, you will know them by their fruits.” Matthew 7:15–20).
This may seem confusing until we realize the judging we ARE to do is to judge actions.
It is not judging someone to damnation to judge her (or his) actions and say they are wrong. Bullies hope people believe their lies and if the truth comes out, the gentle person will give up without a fight. Bullies have to be pushed back, whether we pray against their distant evil, or we tell them, “No, don’t do that anymore. You are doing something wrong,” and in extreme cases (when they will not repent and they pose us danger) cut them out of our lives. This assertiveness may hurt, but we need to push anyway. Becoming strong is never easy, but the more we fight this injustice, the more familiar this healthy fighting will feel.
Because we are so loving and desire reconciliation, we might give up. We must train ourselves to get comfortable with saying, “No,” to bullies and then follow up with action.
Some bullies repent when confronted by enough people. Being strong with them and labeling their behavior as cruel is the most loving thing we can do. We should pray, so we know when to resist and when to bend with bullies (only bend when their behavior is not detrimental, such as being rude but not harming you). Do not bend if the bully is truly harming you. Yet, for gentle souls (as I am) giving in and giving up have become too familiar, and a bad, sinful choice. Yes, I call my own behavior sinful when I am permitting someone to harm me or others without calling their behavior wrong. I cannot change the other person, but if I keep silent and do not speak up, I am allowing the bully to feel justified.
I have a strange but real life example. I moved into a town house with a woman, who I will call Miss Z (not her real name). Over time, her behavior became more controlling and the name calling (done subtly but still hurtful) oppressive. When I finally told her these actions were unjust, she said, “No, I am not doing anything wrong. I had a really sweet, Christian roommate named Sarah {not her real name} who moved out and said I did not do anything wrong. She said I was a perfect roommate.”
I later met Sarah’s friend, who was appalled I was living with Miss Z. My friend said, “Sarah was so oppressed living there.” When I told my friend that Sarah never confronted Miss Z, my friend said, “Sarah thought telling her the truth would hurt her feelings. So Sarah lied instead.”
I had to answer my friend with the bad news: Miss Z tells every roommate who says the living conditions are oppressive about Sarah and says that this justifies what Miss Z does. Miss Z used Sarah’s lie to rebuff every honest word the abused roommates said as they moved out (or tried to stay and work out a better environment only to be met with Miss Z’s statement that she was perfect and this new roommate was at fault).
Our dishonesty is harmful, whether we do not speak up or we tell the bully we do not mind the harm they caused. This dishonesty gives the bully power to abuse others. When enough people speak the truth, the bully cannot deny the truth, even when she (or he) won’t admit it.
God has been helping me find my voice with bullies. Too often I still feel like a deer caught in the headlights, where I freeze and do nothing. But God is showing me I can stand up for myself and others. I cannot change a bully by telling the truth. Yet I have peace knowing I have been honest, with myself and God by speaking the truth, and at times pulling away from an unrepentant bully. This helps me and also protects others too. Please know that being a Christian NEVER means we let others walk over us.