I closed last week’s post on surrender (“Surrendering our Concerns”) by saying acceptance is the second step in this Spiritual growth. After we stop resisting and finally surrender our weakness to God, we might demand an instant fix for our problems, instead of truly accepting how difficult (and how long-lasting) problems are when we surrender. Once we have surrendered, we have to realistically face what is happening in our life right now, including accepting that these problems have been in our life for a long time, and they may take a long time to heal. Acceptance is not wishful thinking about the future nor is it doleful regrets about the past.
When we want to accept our present reality, we often struggle and resist admitting things are as difficult and painful as they are. We wish we could magically change our reality now. If we are very sick, we want to call ourselves well. If we are no where near completion of college, we want to say we are nearly at our diploma. If a loved one has an addiction, we want to say he or she is well. The list of wishful thinking goes on. Some say that not accepting reality is called denial. By any name, our refusal to honestly admit to what is happening is a lack of acceptance (Romans 8:25, “But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.”)
Perhaps people think that accepting reality, such as accepting the fact that a loved one is sinning in a habitual life style, means we tolerate that sin or even enable that sin. But it does not mean tolerating sin. Part of acceptance is calling sin a sin. Acceptance simply means we admit our life or our loved one’s life is as it is currently.
If we are very sick (whether something acute but temporary like pneumonia or a broken leg) or something chronic and long term (like diabetes or heart disease) we admit we are sick. To accept our reality does not mean we don’t seek treatment when ill, finish college when we are not done, clean a huge mess or deal with any other challenge. We can make plans to correct our situation. But we no longer wish things were different when they are not, (Gals.6:3, “For if anyone thinks himself to be something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself.)
This acceptance is especially hard when we are accepting a harsh reality about someone else, whether our loved one has an addiction or an issue with mental or emotional health, or a chronic illness. When we accept the sad reality of a loved one having a problem, we may not be able to do anything to help him or her, especially if that person does not want to heal or change.
Control freaks do try to change other people. Control freaks are not good at surrendering their weaknesses to God. Control freaks also do not practice acceptance. The controllers insist on trying to change others. But we are the only ones we can change, and we are probably more resistant to changing and healing than others, so we are best off working on ourselves, (Matt.7:3, “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye but pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?”)
Thus we come back to this dreaded concept of acceptance. That feels so much like a failure, as if we had stopped working to improve ourselves (or others if we act like control freaks.) We absolutely must not mistake acceptance with giving up. We can accept a current and harsh reality and still hope and pray for change. We can and should work to make good changes. But until growth and healing come, we must honestly admit to what is real right now; that is called acceptance. There is even a serenity prayer in which some people pray, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” We accept the truth that there are things we must change. We also accept the truth that there are some things we cannot change. The things we cannot change (like other people) we have to release to God and let him work on them. The things we can and should change, we also accept. Then if we truly accept the fact we need to change some things we begin to work on them, (Roms.12:2, “Offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God, this is your true and proper worship. Do not be conformed to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is, his good, pleasing and perfect will.”)
Both of those forms of acceptance can hurt. For example, I have a close family member I love dearly. But she has a very hard nature, and she often hurts me. I have had to admit she is this way and accept the truth, she may never change. I may never get close to her, because every time I’ve tried, she has hurt me terribly. Some people have great relationships with all their relatives. I have to accept I am not like those people who have only gentle and kind relatives. I have this harsh family member, and there has never been anything I could do to change her. Since we were both very young, she has always had a mean streak. No matter how kind and giving and loving I’ve been, she has been harsh. I will feel less pain if I stop trying to have a loving and vulnerable relationship with her. She will always disrespect me and look down on me. So if I am wise, I will love her from a safe distance and stop trying to get close to her, (Matt.10:16, “Be as wise as a serpent but gentle as a dove.)
As I have accepted this truth, I have had greater peace. Yet I also feel intense sorrow. But over time, God can ease that sorrow, if I keep being honest with Him. The sadness was there before, but I buried it and denied the pain. I kept trying to get her to love me. She has never respected me or offered mutual love. So accepting this truth only reveals the sorrow I’ve always had but denied. The sorrow is old, not new. But my experience of the sorrow feels new, since I have only recently been fully admitting to myself how much I love her and how much she hurts me, (Psalm 119:28, “My spirit sags, because of grief. Now lift me up according to your promise.”)
As I accepted this truth, the sorrow was finally able to surface. Now it needs time to heal. This is the gift of acceptance—not this sorrow, since it was already there, but the ability to finally feel it and then release it to God. Being honest is what actually heals the pain. Denying the pain never enables it to heal. Thus the acceptance opens me up to healing. This is true of all of my problems. It is true for all people too. I have shared before that my dad never fully embraced the truth of his childhood pain, and he carried it to his grave in loneliness. I have seen other people who also believe that denying their pain will stop it. But that never works, and I see them suffering in patterns of terribly painful mistakes they make, but they are blind to admit exist, (Rev.3:17, “For you say I am rich, I have prospered, and I need nothing, not realizing your wretched, pitiable, poor, blind and naked.”)
So surrender precedes acceptance, but acceptance is such a close cousin to surrender. And acceptance does not mean we stay at the place where we were when we surrendered our problems to God. For example, decades ago I admitted I had a problem, not just with a severe sugar addiction but also with my father-daughter relationship. At that time, I had to accept that I was quite over weight. I had to accept the reality that I had a very weird problem with sugar. I had to admit that my dad was not able to love me as deeply as I needed. I had to admit that my dad had often neglected me emotionally and he had hurt me with an unjust rage he did not control. Those realities hurt terribly, and after I surrendered my problem to God, I had to admit all these things were true. I had to accept that reality.
But I did not have to stay in that reality. Once I accepted it, I worked very, very hard to make changes. First I worked through a workbook I mentioned in my much earlier post “Embracing Grief.” Eventually I had to contact my dad and discuss those issues. I had to work with him to make changes in our father-daughter relationship. The only change I did not have to work on, was the sugar. Yes, that is right; I did not work on the sugar. I did not go on any diet, at all. I worked on the emotional issues, only. But as I did that, the sugar issue began to fade. In 12-18 months, the insane urge to eat gobs of sugar began to fade and left me. I lost weight, (Proverbs 25:16 , “Do you like honey? Don’t eat too much or it will make you sick.”)
I know not all people will work, intensely, emotionally, and then lose weight. Many people do NOT have an emotional problem with their eating. I did, and it was for that reason I could not consistently lose weight or eat sugar responsibly before dealing with the emotions. But it was also the reason why I could lose weight without dieting, because healing the emotions also healed the spiritual hunger, and thus I ate less and less sugar. You can read more about that journey in that post. For now I just want to discuss the concept of acceptance coming after surrender.
In our spiritual battles, we must surrender our problems to God. Then we must accept our lives as they are now. Just like me, you can make changes as you heal and grow. So acceptance does not mean giving up. I definitely fought to make changes. Acceptance often precedes good changes, if our acceptance is fully committed to God. If we surrender and accept our temporary reality, we can work to have a better tomorrow.
So please know that acceptance can include fighting and healing. But all of that growth has to come after we accept the truth of where we are now. How can we ask God to help us change if we deny we have a problem? Acceptance can be a wonderful tool in our growth. Acceptance is only a problem if we claim we are accepting our reality when really we are only giving up. Let’s never give up hope. God always has a good plan for our lives. We can be realistic and optimistic as we accept our current reality, (Psalm19:12, “Who can understand his errors? Cleanse me from secret faults.”)
We can ask God to help us dream big dreams for the future. We can ask him to partner with us as we seek to grow. We just need to be honest about how things are today.
OK, I want to close this post. I am praying that I have deeply discussed these concepts of our personal warfare and spiritual growth. I have not given every detail of this journey but I pray I have shared enough that you can look at your own life and see any areas where you want to grow and feel encouraged, not discouraged. God has taken me through some very hard times in my life, and I have such joy in my relationship with him today. I pray for this joy and peace of mind for you too. God has such good plans for our lives. If you want me to write more about this topic, please let me know. Otherwise, I am excited to write about joy in my post next week.
Before I close, I want to share a neat passage from 1Peter5:6-10, “Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him, because he cares for you. Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.” It is humbling to admit we have a problem. It is humbling to surrender it to God. It is humbling to accept this reality, especially when we cannot instantly fix it, nor does God (often) instantly fix it. We are alert and sober as we face our reality and accept it, because Satan would love to lie to us and either tell us we are fine when we are hurting, or tell us we are worse than we are. But God has grace for us. Yes, we suffer as we heal. But God has a way of restoring us, even if we do suffer from some physical pain. He can give us peace of mind in our relationship with him.
I pray we have blessed you with today’s post. Thanks for reading it today.