What if you still don’t feel beautiful, valuable or good enough? When I planned to create my website, I wanted to encourage gals of all ages, letting them know they are beautiful, valuable and cherished by God.
But what if my readers keep feeling badly about themselves? Sometimes words cannot convince a gal she is priceless. I remember feeling that way as a child. As a young adult, I discovered old journals from my younger years. I wrote horrible things about myself, blaming myself for every problem in my life, writing that God must be so angry with me. I called myself “bad,” and worse things. I cringe when I remember those self-insults. I did not know how much God loved me and did not feel his redemption. I grew up in a legalistic home with lots of judgment.
I was a people pleaser who did not feel the love of my parents, nor acceptance from my siblings when I was very young. These were lies. My siblings do love me, but in my childhood, my vast difference in personality (nearly the opposite personality from theirs) made me seem weird and wrong to them. Thus I wondered if I was inherently wrong.
This happens often in families, and if a person does not realize this lie, she will take these lies into her adult life. I was blessed, because God did heal me of those beliefs. They were rooted in some truths (like my being different), but mostly the beliefs were rooted in lies. God enabled me, so gradually, to challenge each lie (well, maybe I still challenge lies today, but they can’t be too bad, because I respect myself and know I am valuable).
Because I was able to break free from those lies, I want to help gals do the same. Whether you are a tween, or a woman with wrinkles, God can help you find and rip out those lies that block God’s tender mercies from your heart. I can say, “God loves you. You are valuable,” but if lies block you from believing me, then lies that tell you all the bad things, (“not beautiful” “forgettable,” “worthless,” etc.) will remain.
Thus I want you to join me and “begin” this challenge. I say, “begin,” because the healing took me years, and so you must be kind to yourself and patient. Never feel shy about finding a counselor (if possible one who shares you faith), to help you in this journey. When I was in my 20’s, I saw a counselor to help me deal with issues about my dad (he had a terrible temper). I posted about my dad issues in an entry called “Embracing Grief.” After my mom’s death, I also saw a counselor to deal with pain about our relationship. This is why I know counseling works, and I see how dealing with lies I believed changed how I saw myself (no longer ugly or unworthy).
Going on this journey with other gals, especially mature ones will give you the fellowship and love you need, because we cannot heal in a vacuum. Some gals may want to join a women’s support group or intimate Bible study. Just don’t do this alone. If you challenge lies about yourself and try to delete them from your mind, those lies might come right back if you suffer loneliness.
Loneliness can actually cause a gal to feel ugly and unlovable. I don’t fully understand how this works, but I know it is true, because I have lived through this experience. I have friends who have suffered this strange lonely-ugly feeling too. Loneliness alone may not cause us to feel ugly and unloved, but it makes lies stick in our brains with tenacity. We don’t want anything to encourage lies to stay in our thoughts.
Only God can fill our spiritual needs, and he lets human love fill our social needs. I know some people say it is unspiritual to need friends, but the Bible actually supports our need for them. Check out these verses: “not forsaking the fellowship,” (Hebrews10:25), “some women…provided for them {Jesus and his disciples} out of their means,” (Luke 8:1-3). I included the last verse, because we might miss the fact there were multiple women (three of whom were named), and I think there were many women, not because Jesus and his disciples had many needs, but because the women needed to keep each other company. Even introverted gals who need less interaction still need friends.
As a mom, I fell back into a brief “ugly” slump. When my girls were young, my husband began to scold me about my friendships, whether it was at a play date with another mom and her daughters, or when I was on the phone with a friend. Although my girls were happily playing with other children, my husband may have fallen into the erroneous belief that moms don’t need women friends, only their children. I think he knows better now, but I was a new mom then.
It does seem weird, but I began to feel ugly. There are more details, but that’s enough to get the idea. I recognized this wrong thinking, and I challenged it in myself. I also got a hands free head set, so I could talk privately, to my women friends. This honored their need for privacy, and also made calls more private for me.
I pushed myself to call women friends, and when possible, talk to them in person too. Seeing friends, I began to feel like my same self again. In fact, in my early 50’s, I told myself, “I look good enough for my age,” and I realized I didn’t care if other people, even my husband, might think I looked too old. I felt (and still do) pretty enough, and good enough for the age I am today.
Between dealing with the losses, related to my mom, and resuming seeing my gal pals who loved me, I could challenge these new “mom lies,” (moms only need their children, moms are matronly, I am older and no longer lovely, etc.). I may not know how love can help us challenge lies, but I, and many friends, have lived through hard times, and with love, we triumphed. Love, not simply romantic love, but friends’ love, is powerful when added to God’s love, the best love of all.
As for being good enough, pretty enough, I know I don t have the youthful beauty I had decades ago. Yet I feel God’s love and love from friends and family, and this is why I feel beautiful.
We can’t let our eyes look at our flaws, whether physical or emotional. God really sees us as beautiful. This so thrills me, I write Bible verses about God’s love on 3×5 note cards. I have hundreds of them, and I re-read them (to myself and to my girls). The opposite of God’s love is Satan’s hatred of us. So please remember Jesus said Satan is a liar and murder. Knowing this, I even rebuke the “ugly thoughts.”
I hope this glimpse into the lies we believe will give you courage to challenge the lies in your life and give you ideas of ways you can believe you are truly beautiful, beloved and valued. I hope you know the reason I bear my heart in this blog is because I love you! I want each of you to know how valuable you are!