I struggle to forgive the people I fear. I tell the Lord I forgive them, even pray for their salvation. Yet I feel neither tender mercy for them nor joy at the thought of them prospering. I asked God why I so easily forgive some people, yet not others. God showed me that my fear diminishes my forgiveness. Please join me as I explore the connection between fearing people and then struggling to forgive them.
Some people seem weak or even wretched, and I can easily forgive them even if they hurt me badly. Or people do little things I can easily forgive. In both cases, I can pray for these people and truly want them to thrive. I am not afraid to see them again.
But some people I loved have hurt me horribly, and they have either threatened me, or they have tried to slander me behind my back. Some of these people were very persuasive and influenced many people. To make matters worse, these enemies were so harsh with me, at times I responded angrily to them. Even if they swore and called me vile names one hundred times, to my one angry retort, I still felt the sting of my own sin, and then they blasted me for being a sinner.
Some of these people so scared and confused me, that I lied to cover their sins. I went along with their bad ideas and compromised my beliefs for them. This also left me feeling sullied and guilty. Even though these things happened decades ago, they left me feeling like I should hide from these people, if I ever saw them today. Although they were the aggressor, I put up with their behavior, and said nothing for a long time. Being a silent bystander is still wrong, and thus I believed these people would speak evil of me today and tell people to not listen to me, even though I speak about the Lord.
I want others to turn to the Lord, and I have lived a humble life for decades. Actually I have loved the Lord since I was a small child, and even when I knew these evil people, I still tried to live for the Lord. But being foolish and wanting to please them, I put up with their evil and ended up feeling evil too.
I am not the pushed-around, abused girl I was when I was young. I did not cause those people to mistreat and deceive me either. I did not cause their evil, and I could not cure it. Only God could convict and heal them. But being angry just a few times and arguing with an abusive person can make a victim feel bad and guilty. And those people knew this and used my guilt to manipulate me. They have been out of my life for decades. Yet Satan stirs up the fear I had when I was with them to cause me to feel like these people could come back into my life and slander me all over again. Satan has been stirring up that threat of slander and causing me to have trouble fully forgiving them.
At times I think of these people and feel pity, and I do forgive them. I genuinely pray for their salvation, as I can tell they were not true Christians when I associated with them. But then Satan stirs up the fear that these people would tell the world I am not a good person. Satan tells me that if these enemies did this, then no one would listen when I speak of God’s love. No one would want to hear me speak of the goodness of Jesus, according to them, because my word is not good, because I am “not good.”
Yet half of their statement would be true. In my flesh-nature (the sinful side of me), I am still not a good person. Yes, I am a true Christian. I have surrendered my whole heart, soul, mind and body to Christ. But my flesh is never good, and no one’s flesh is good. I am good in my redeemed self. That “me” is good. That “me” is above reproach. Thus, God has shown me that this fear of others comes from Satan and not just from those angry bullies of my past.
It is possible these enemies would love to tell others about all of my past mistakes and flaws. If these people have the same nature they had when I associated with them, they would love to tell others to not listen to my Christian testimony. But this would confirm that they are still not true Christians. Because a true Christian wants the Gospel preached, whether by a friend or foe. The Apostle Paul wanted everyone to speak the Gospel boldly (Phils. 1:14) “And because of my imprisonment, most of the believers here have gained confidence and gladly speak God’s message without fear.” Look at the next few verses (15 & 17) and see what Paul said of those who tried to hurt him by preaching the Gospel out of selfishness: “It is true that some are preaching out of jealousy and rivalry. But others preach about Christ with pure motives.+ Those others do not have pure motives as they preach about Christ. They preach with selfish ambition, not sincerely, intending to make my chains more painful to me.” These people used the Gospel to hurt Paul. Yet Paul said he was glad the Gospel was preached, whether out of envy or out of kindness.
My enemies might want to use their false ideas to hurt me too (to silence me from speaking the Gospel). But this is not the heart of Christ. We are all fallen people. Even Christ-followers have sinned. But God has made us who we are today. Our past cannot stop us from sharing the Good news of Jesus with others. Thus this fear is a lie, as it makes me feel less charitable towards these enemies.
God must show me the heart of these godless people, so I can realize they are like the people who tried to hurt the Apostle Paul by preaching the Gospel out of envy.
By trying to malign me and silence me, those people would also be maligning Jesus, because I have surrendered my life to him. I am his servant. I may have been young, naïve, foolish, even sinful at one time. But I still loved the Lord. God has brought me out the legalism of my childhood, out of the low self esteem and belief I deserved to be knocked around and laughed at. God has shown me he adores me and has the best plans for me. So I do forgive others, and I will continue to forgive these scary people.
As I think of why I have been afraid of them, that fear loses its grip. I realize I have nothing to fear. If those people tried to walk up to Jesus and tell him how bad I was and imply I am still bad, Jesus would defend me the way he defended Jeshua the High Priest: “The Accuser, Satan, was there at the angel’s right hand, making accusations against Jeshua,” (Zech. 3:1b). In verse two we see, “The Lord said to Satan, ‘The Lord rebuke you, Satan! The Lord, who has chosen Jerusalem, rebuke you! Is not this man a burning stick snatched from the fire?” Jeshua was supposed to wear clean priestly robes, but instead his were filthy. The angel told Jeshua, “Take off his filthy clothes,’ Then he said to Jeshua, ‘See, I have taken away your sin, and I will put fine garments on you,” (verse 4). The angel also said that the Lord said, “If you will walk in obedience to me and keep my requirements, then you will govern my house and have charge of my courts, and I will give you a place among these standing here,” (verse 7).
God was confirming that even those who have been made filthy with sin can be cleansed by God, and then he can use them again if they surrender to him and obey him. I am one of those people, just like Jeshua the High Priest of long ago. I love Jesus. I obey him. So my testimony matters. I can tell others about Jesus. I can serve him. My past does not disqualify me to serve him today. If my enemies came back to me and tried to blaspheme me, as Satan accused Jeshua the High Priest, the Lord himself would speak for me. He would defend me from these accusers. And this is not just wishful thinking. Look at verse 8, “Listen, High Priest Jeshua, you and your associates seated before you, who are men symbolic of things to come; I am going to bring my servant the Branch.” Jesus is that branch! Those men were symbolic of things to come—and your life and mine are symbols of things to come. We are some of those redeemed who do have a right to speak about the Lord.
Our enemies have nothing righteous to say about us. Like Jeshua’s, our sins have been washed clean. God had to show me this, to remind me to NOT fear those enemies. Once the fear is gone, I can feel victorious. And as I allow this truth to sink in, I can truly forgive those lost souls. If they ever came out to slander me, they would have no power over me, because I am redeemed.
That means they are very pitiable people. And I can have mercy on weak, wretched people. So I need to remind myself of my place in Christ, so I can silence Satan who had been stirring up old memories and making it hard for me to have mercy for people who not only hurt me but also slandered me in the past. When I release the lies, I also release the fear. And when I release that fear, I can more readily forgive those enemies!
The Bible is amazing! God is amazing. He lead me on this journey to investigate the Scriptures to see through these lies of fear that had been limiting my ability to forgive slandering bullies who had hurt me (and at times lead me into hating them and then sinning for doing so) in my past. Now God is strengthening me to truly forgive even the most slandering and hate-filled enemies of my past. Oh, may the Lord help you see through the slander others may have thrown at you too. Even if you sinned, you did not deserve that slander, and if you have truly repented and turned to Jesus, you are God’s beloved daughter, free of sin, just like Jeshua the High Priest was, and just as I am. May the Lord bless you this week!