Sometimes we hide our sorrows, weaknesses, and sins from people; our shame tells us others would judge us, because we believe they are perfect. But Satan motivates our shame, and it lies to us. While unkind, unsafe people will judge us, kind Christians will not. They may even suffer from the same weaknesses. While we must discern who safe people are, we must not clam up and never share our hearts with other Christians. Please join me as I share struggles and victories of women (including me) who found healing after sharing their hearts with others.
We might think other people are perfect, perhaps even critical or judging. I grew up with a mom I thought of like that, though I don’t think she meant to be that way. She was hard working, strict about perfect church attendance, never prone to obvious sins, and seemingly perfect. She was also private and never shared her hopes, dreams, sorrows, and weaknesses with me. As a result, she did not feel comfortable lauding things I did right, but she readily criticized my mistakes. I now understand her frustration with me, because I was so different from her as a day-dreaming, at times clumsy child who made mistakes.
I found that sharing my heart with her invited criticism, so I learned to hide my feelings, hopes, thoughts, and especially my mistakes. I did not realize this was an ungodly way to live, because it is based upon fear. Yet God says in 1 John 4:18, “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear, because fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.”
I had no idea how I could share my heart, especially my mistakes and sins with others. Yet God urges us to do so (James 5:16, “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.”) Although I found healing in the Lord’s love, initially I only revealed mistakes and sins I though were acceptable to share. I was especially careful to limit what I shared at church, because the women there were so godly. I assumed they expected me to be perfect, since I falsely believed they were. I grew up in a home where my father (a pastor) and my mom reminded me of how sinful I was. They both loved me, but I couldn’t live up to their level of perfection (or the level I imagined they wanted) so I felt like the prodigal son when I was around many other Christians.
Although I began to serve in church, I wondered if I was qualified, due to the Bible verse about bishops (1Tim 3:4-5 “He must be one who manages his own household well, keeping his children under control with all dignity, but if a man does not know how to manage his own household, how will he take care of the church of God?”) I feared I was not qualified to serve in our church’s children’s program as a volunteer. My children do love and serve the Lord, but another person I love is not walking with the Lord. I assumed I was the only woman at church in this position. This family member goes to church on occasion but does so out of an intellectual ascent about Jesus’ existence and not due to having a surrendered heart for Christ.
Over time I was amazed to discover many women had loved ones (often their husbands) who had never surrendered to Christ. But it took years before other women at church admitted this to me. Perhaps they felt as badly about their unequal partnership as I did.
How many of us, Christian women, feel embarrassed, even ashamed of our mistakes and sins so that we don’t share our concerns? The person I love attended church in the same denomination I attended as a child. Like me, he was told he became a Christian when he was infant-baptized, and his faith was “confirmed” when he attended Catechism classes. When I asked him if he believed Jesus died for his sins as his savior, he said, “Yes.” Instead of seriously looking for godly fruit in his life, I accepted what my denomination said—that he was a Christian due to the question he answered
Years later, after I matured in my faith, I recognized the difference between a person who mentally acknowledges Jesus died for his sins, and a person who has surrendered his heart to Jesus and now lives his life for him. I felt ashamed for not knowing and recognizing that difference. Apparently many other women have fallen in this way too, so they do not tell others about their sorrow. But that means each of these women stands alone in her spiritual (and emotional) pain.
When one woman confessed she had a similar experience to mine, I was amazed. She was the leader of our children’s program at that time. She was so godly and hard working, eagerly serving the Lord. I had assumed she came to church alone, because she was a widow, and not because her husband was not walking with the Lord. I mentioned my concerns about my being disqualified due to the verse about bishops, but she reminded me that verse does not mention husbands who do not walk with the Lord.
When I learned there were so many other women with husbands and other close family members who are not walking with the Lord, I realized we needed to encourage each other. A number of us got together to pray for and encourage one another. These women joined me in confessing our sorrow over our loved ones who did not have a living faith. Then we began to fight Satan’s lies of shame for us. We learned to resist the lie that we cannot serve at church. We continue to pray against Satan’s lies that deceive our loved ones and keep them from surrendering to Christ. We encourage one another in our faith and show compassion as we deal with—at times harsh and angry–partners and ex-partners (since some unbelieving husbands divorce their Christian wives.)
Instead of wallowing in shame or self pity, due to the struggles we have dealing with unbelievers, we can find joy in the Lord. If our loved one hurts us, we might briefly reveal this (without going into painful details), and we can speak without hatred. Then the other women can encourage the hurting woman so that she can nurture a forgiving heart towards the one who hurt her. We can divide our sorrows and multiply our joys.
Our honesty enables us to let others know they are not the only ones suffering. We can remove the lie of shame that tells us we are alone in our suffering. Satan tries to isolate us so we believe we are not only alone but also worse sinners than others. The Lord wants us to be honest with one another and confess our weaknesses and sins so we can find healing, not so we can be shamed or judged. God does not leave us alone in our sin. When we surrender to him, God comforts us and puts us into his family, but we must be honest so that we can find people who understand our suffering. 2 Cor.1:14 speaks of God, “who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.” God has allowed us to suffer in some ways, yet he also wants us to comfort others when those people share that pain. But they cannot receive our comfort unless we admit we suffered the pain that preceded the comfort God gave us.
So we can pray and ask the Holy Spirit to guide us to safe people who will listen to us and comfort us. He can direct us to people who will not judge us but who have suffered the same pain we have suffered. The Holy Spirit can also direct us to not share when people are judgmental. God is gracious and he will show us the right ones to speak to.
I pray we have blessed you with this week’s post. Even as recently as this October, at our church’s Saturday morning women’s Bible study, another woman shared this kind of pain. Gradually, three of us also admitted we suffered the same pain. This is why I decided to write this post, because I realized there are so many women who suffer as I do, and I want to encourage them and any of you who might suffer in any way too. Please never suffer in silence. We, the body of Christ, are here to listen to you and offer you comfort, even as the Lord waits to hear from you too.