While God calls us to forgive others, he does not call us to reconcile with everyone. In fact, God calls us to shun so-called “believers” who continue to hurt us without remorse or repentance (Matt. 18:17.) But what do we do about people who hurt us and do say, “I’m sorry,” but then they hurt us again and again? Let’s examine this gray area of forgiveness.
Scriptures urge us to forgive others. Peter suggested he forgive offenders seven times. In Matt. 18:22b Jesus admonished Peter “I do not say to you seven times but seventy-seven times.” In his hyperbole, Jesus did not mean we should count how often we forgive but rather we should forgive every time someone hurts us. Paul urges his Roman readers, “If it is possible on your part live at peace with everyone” (Roms.12:18.) Thus we don’t blame ourselves when others criticize, insult, or belittle us. They may take offense at harmless things we do (how we breathe or drink, how we laugh, how we dress, etc.) But people should not take offense too easily, because the love chapter of 1 Cor. 13:4-7 says, “Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It is not proud. It is not rude. It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrong. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” When others do not mean them harm, people should not take offense or express their irritation.
Yet we still have a right to express what we do and do not like. We can ask others to avoid talking about a subject we find offensive or even scary, even if that subject is not sinful. For example, as a newborn baby, my sister suffered terror due to the Florida tree frogs that clung to her window and croaked. I was only a year older than her, and the frogs did not bother me. But my sister’s terror was primal, so even as a teen and adult, she still hated and feared frogs. I learned that it was cruel to talk to her about frogs or show her pictures of them. So when I found a frog in her outdoor pool, my daughters and I quickly released it into the woods and never told her. She has a right to avoid frogs and even avoid talking about them, because of this primal fear she suffered for so long as a baby and small child. Anyone who does not respect her fear of frogs would be cruel, even though frogs are not ungodly.
I also believe we have a right to admit to our weaknesses without the fear of being belittled. For example, I lack the enzymes needed to digest onions, much like those who lack the enzyme needed to digest milk. As a result, onions burn my body, from entering my mouth, through my entire digestive system, and even as they leave it. They cause me pain, whether cooked or raw. I learned that many (not all) people of Nordic, especially Swedish ancestry, have this problem. I did not choose this weakness but was born with it. Some could mock me and claim I am weak, and I would simply have to agree with them. This is a biological weakness I inherited from my beloved mother, and I accept it along with all the great genes she also passed onto me. I must bear with others’ weaknesses, even as I hope others will bear with mine (Romans 15:1 “We who are strong ought to bear with with the failings of the weak and not please ourselves.)
So I have a digestive sensitivity to onions, even as my beloved sister has an emotional sensitivity to frogs. Anyone who would mock or disrespect us for these sensitivities would be someone we would need to pull back from. We could not get close to someone who mocked us for these weaknesses.
So we can ask ourselves, to what extent do we pull back from people who keep hurting us? Scripture does not give exact guidelines about how to interact and how to pull back from others when the one hurting us does not fall into the category I first mentioned where Jesus says we must shun them. Even as disrespect of food choices is a small matter, slights people make against us come in varying degrees of severity. People leaving wet floor messes could cause us to fall and become injured. But water splashes on a mirror do not harm our physical bodies. So we need to assess the severity of offenses when people harm us in the emotional and physical real. A friend might say she thinks my husband is ugly but still encourage my love and commitment to him. Another friend might say my husband is decent looking but worthless and then nag me to divorce him. I have actually had both experiences. I am still good friends with the friends who finds my husband unattractive, because she encourages my Christian commitment to my marriage to my husband. I had to distance myself from the friend who nagged me to divorce my husband.
I had continually told the nagging friend to stop speaking ill of my husband, because I honor my marriage. Because she continued to bad-mouth my husband, I had to distance myself, and I told her why I was doing this. But I did not cut her off.
A close relative speaks ill of me, behind my back. My cousin and others have heard this person’s vitriol, and they have defended me. But this person has also hurt me directly and done cruel things to me. Even though we are related, I also had to pull back, especially because I could not stop feeling pain over her behavior. I did not want to fall into the sin of unforgiveness or resentment. Yet even while I am not communicating with this person nor looking at her social media posts, I still love and pray for her.
The friend who spoke ill of my husband resumed calling me recently, and I listened carefully to her words. For the first time, she did not speak ill of my husband, so I allowed the call to go on for a long time, until I needed to leave to take my daughters to an appointment. I am so thankful there is healing in that relationship, although I mostly only listened to her. I am wise enough to know I cannot entrust my heart to her after only one good phone call. I will watch over time, to see if she has truly changed. I don’t believe in leaving anyone who truly repents, although I still need healthy boundaries with everyone. The friend who called again is not a person who listens well, so she tends to be a taker. I would become drained if I spoke to her or spent much time with her. So I will still need to limit our interaction. I am not God, so I do not have limitless energy.
I readily forgive everyone. But I am learning that I cannot draw close to many people. The Lord has given me limited time and energy, so I must honor the limits he gave me by limiting my interaction with some people.
I pray we have blessed you with this week’s short post. If you have had a similar experience, please let me know. May the Lord bless you this week. Thanks for joining us in this post.