I have a problem with pride—not over my accomplishments or possessions, all of which are modest. I have a pride that says, “I am strong. I don’t need help.” I think I am as strong as a mule. But actually I am as stubborn as a mule. I am as frail as a moth. The Lord keeps showing me how much trouble my “independent” spirit causes me, and He reminds me this has been a sin of his people for millennia. Please join me this week as I examine my silly pride and compare it to the righteous dependence on God that he wants me to have.
My independence may have originally come from my belief, when I was one, that my baby sister (14 months younger than me) was mine, because my parents put her in my bedroom. My mom said I was a “Little Mamma” at age one. But less than 2 years later, that independence grew into fear and urgency. My mother became violently ill and was taken to the hospital for months. She gradually lost her sight, ability to walk, most of her ability to talk or even swallow. My aunt, who was recently orphaned, came to live with us. But she had grown up with aging and neglectful parents, and she struggled to know how to nurture others when she had not been nurtured herself. Suddenly I felt I was the only one to care for myself and for my little sister.
Eventually my mom came home, albeit to a bedpan and pureed food as she struggled to relearn how to swallow and chew, speak, and walk and talk, which took nearly four years. Neither my mom nor my dad meant to neglect their four small children (ages four, three, two and one), but my mom’s needs were great. My mom’s sickness must have been very hard on my dad, because this was when his temper intensified, and he also developed an over-bearing, controlling side. I remember crying, “Mommy, hold me!” and hearing, “Shut up! She’s resting.” I gradually learned to not ask for affection and often even for help. This never changed, even as the years went by. I continued to believe I had to care for myself and my poor little sister. I had to work hard and give to the ones who needed me. But I did not consider my need to receive. This is where my unhealthy sense of independence came from, and a tendency to hide my feelings from anyone who seemed over-bearing.
I worked hard to get myself through college without my parents’ financial help, although my academic scholarship really helped. I strove and struggled to achieve career goals, (including my service in a Christian mission) despite strong obstacles.
Sadly, I did not let many good people get close to me. I believed my job was to give and not receive. At times this giving without receiving exhausted me, especially when selfish takers latched onto to me (such as the first husband of my past.) I stubbornly refused to listen to wise people who warned me about those takers. I had to get hurt often (being lied to and betrayed) before I would finally pull away from such takers. I kept thinking I knew better than others, even though I was so often wrong.
Who does this stubborn behavior remind you of? My pride reminds me of the Israelites! I am currently reading the Old Testament and just finished the books of 1Kings and 2 Kings. I see patterns in these people’s lives, and mine too. For example, when we give in to of any kind of pride, we lack prayer; we feel stressed and worried; we suffer broken relationships; we don’t produce spiritual fruit.
As far as I can see, not one of the kings of Israel’s Northern Kingdom prayed to the Lord, except for Jehoahaz, and he only did so one time: 2 Kings 13:4, “Then Jehoahaz sought the favor of the Lord, and the Lord listened to him because He saw the oppression that the king of Aram had inflicted on Israel.” But once God delivered him, King Jehoahaz returned to his evil ways (see verse 6 in the same chapter.) These kings relied upon themselves or upon other pagan kings. I can relate to this foolishness. When I have tried to be independent of anyone’s help, I have not fully and sincerely trusted in the Lord. At the best (worst, really) I have asked God to bless my own plans instead of asking him what he wants me to do.
The prideful kings suffered so much stress and strife, so that people’s relationships were terrible in the Northern and Southern Kingdoms of Israel. 2Kings 21:23, “Then {king} Amon’s own officials conspired against him and assassinated him in his palace.” This happened in the supposedly godly Southern Kingdom, Judah. But even there, godless kings had damaged relationships with their people. In the Northern Kingdom, many of the kings were assassinated. The kings’ pride kept them from having honorable relationships with others.
There was no spiritual fruit in any of the Northern kings’ lives, and even in the Southern Kingdom, many of these kings also produced little or no spiritual fruit. The first fruit of the spirit is love. Many of these kings were loveless. They also lacked gentleness, kindness, self control and patience. King Ahab had no patience or self control, and he had an innocent man murdered, simply because of Ahab’s desire to own a vegetable garden closer to his palace (1Kings 21:1-2.)
I can look at the pain I have inflicted upon myself when I would not see a doctor soon enough, or I tried to carry an object too heavy for me, and I got hurt. I certainly lacked any wisdom when I did those things. I did not recognize the root of my sin—fear that goes back to my childhood loss of a nurturing mother.
But when I acknowledge the pain of that little me, the Debbie who cried for a mother’s comfort, I can tell God about my insecurities and belief that I should do everything by myself. I can let God remind me that he knows my true nature, “He knows our frame. He knows that we are dust.” (Psalm 103:14.) He simply wants me to tell him about my pain and he promises he will heal that sorrow (Psalm 147:3 “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”) But I have to acknowledge my weaknesses and recognize my past false beliefs, such as the pride in being strong and totally independent. If I can recognize my behavior when I fall into that pride, I can draw back to God and admit I only have strength in him, not in myself (Psalm 46:1 “God is our shelter and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble.”)
My sin of pride always gets me into trouble, and it forces me to admit I cannot do everything entirely by myself. But God’s discipline reminds me that I was made for fellowship, so that I would need others. God is so kind to bring me back to him. He also reminds me that although there may be scars of my past pain that push me towards being proud in my independence, I can resist the lies accompanying that pain. God did that regarding the accident I recently suffered at the grocery store. Yet when that happened, I also felt God reminding me of how much he cherishes me, even as I had to admit I needed help and I should have listened to those who said I should have seen a doctor much sooner after the accident. I will never fully understand the Lord, but I trust him, even when I am sad or confused by what he does.
Thanks for joining me in this week’s post. If you struggle with pride or any excessive sense of independence, let me know. We can encourage one another. I love to hear from you, my readers!