How heart breaking to witness someone’s suicide attempt. I was that witness, as a child, and it happened in close succession of three other attempts by children I knew. One was a close relative, another a close friend, and the third a sweet classmate. Two children survived, but one died from the suicide. All three attempts occurred in the same school, among classmates of similar age, and in a close time frame. Statistics confirm that suicide is contagious. Yet God confirms that it is not just psychological but also a spiritual matter, since Jesus says that Satan is a murderer.
Witnessing a suicide attempt is terrifying when the attemptee is a close friend or family member. The survivor can suffer significant psychological and spiritual damage. Even if the attemptee survives, both she and the one who witnessed it will need counseling and Christian support.
But what happens if the one attempting suicide and the one who witnessed it don’t receive help? Even if these two people survive, their lives will be badly damaged unless they bring their grief, fear, anger, and confusion to God. A counselor can also help both survivors to work through their pain.
Suicide itself is not the initial problem. The one who contemplates it already hurts badly and is terribly confused. I have seen these people suffer. When I was only a child (a teen,) I discovered a close family member who had just attempted suicide. Around this time, a classmate killed himself. Then a friend planned to kill herself. Regarding that friend, another friend and I stayed up for much of the night, mostly listening to her but talking when she needed to hear our hearts. Eventually we convinced her to go to her mother for more help. That wise mom rushed her daughter to a hospital and got her daughter into counseling. Both that friend and my close family member lived. But when I was in my early twenties, a woman I thought was my friend arranged to commit suicide while we were out body surfing in the ocean. Her betrayal hurt badly, because she admitted she did not mind if I suffered guilt and shame, thinking it would have been my fault that she died. She said she planned to take pills to cause her to become sleepy and drown. She knew there was a chance she could grab me and pull me under and drown me with her, but she did not care.
As for my close relative, I tried to call an ambulance when she admitted she had taken every pill in a medicine bottle. But she stopped me and said my mother was coming home, and we must wait. I was terrified, but not wanting to upset her, I agreed. When my mother arrived, I told her what had happened. But she shoved me out of the room and slammed the door. When she emerged later, I asked if the ambulance was coming, but she said, “She only has a bad cold.”
I knew the truth and explained the empty bottle, and what my relative had told me. But my mom angrily said, “She has a bad cold and that is all” and pushed me away.
I knew my relative had taken the pills. My mom was a nurse, and she knew this was not a cold. I began to feel dizzy, and my vision blurred, because a weird gray mist covered my eyes, even though I was not crying. I realize now this is called “shock,” but I did not understand. I became disoriented and forgot who I was and where I was. I fell down, even though I was a strong, healthy teen. But God is good, and I saw a bar of soap in the bathroom. I grabbed it and began to recite my name and the name of my high school. This may sound strange to people who have never suffered from shock. But grabbing the tangible bar of soap gave me something solid to hold onto. As I recited my name and the name of my high school, I was able to pull myself back to reality. Perhaps this happens to people who say they have gone insane; I do not know for sure. I only know I had a terrifying sense of losing reality. By grabbing the soap and saying those simple things I knew so well, I pulled myself back in touch with the real world, away from all the confusion and terror I was feeling.
I am convinced suicide has a spiritual aspect, because Jesus said “The thief’s purpose is to steal, kill, and destroy,” (John 10:10.) Jesus said of Satan, “He was a murderer from the beginning,” (John 8:44.) The contagious nature of suicide (there were three attempts in my school among peers who knew each other—one died) adds to my belief this is spiritual. I don’t know why my parents reacted so differently from my friend’s mom. Both of my parents pretended the suicide attempt had never happened. Apparently my mom knew the dose of pills my relative took was not fatal, but I did not know this. Besides, my relative was hurting badly. I could not understand why my parents would let her, their dependent, suffer so badly. I can only surmise that they had problems of their own and somehow felt they could not deal with our problems too. But I was so grief stricken I lost nearly twenty pounds, and it took me half a year to gain it back (I have lost my appetite during other times of grief too, and I always gain it back.) But after I regained the weight I fell into a sugar compulsion which I mentioned in earlier posts.
I am thankful I only developed a sugar compulsion. I have met others who developed even worse compulsions, such as alcohol and drug use. When we do not talk about what happens, we will act out. Because my parents did not want to discuss problems, especially this terrifying problem, I denied my feelings and problems too. But they did not go away. Believing problems will go away is called denial, and that always leads to trouble.
I tried to talk to my mom about my friend’s suicide attempt too, but my mother also became angry and said it was terrible that I missed church (because I had stayed up for most of the night listening to my the friend and coaxing her out of her attempt) and then my mom refused to discuss it anymore. My mom also did not want to talk about my classmate’s successful suicide.
This left me ill equipped to deal with the “friend” who planned to use me for her suicide attempt when we were in our early twenties. I actually continued to call her my friend, and I tried to offer her love when she got out of the mental hospital. But she was so unlike my classmate who had planned suicide. While my classmate welcomed my friendship, love and encouragement, this young woman lashed out at me, over and over. I did not realize how very differently some people react to stress, especially suicide attempts.
I have learned that with mental health issues and spiritual strongholds, some people resist love. Some people even perceive kindness as a weakness that can be manipulated for their own purposes. They believe that kindness is foolish, and kind people deserve to be used and harmed. That truth continues to hurt my soul, because I have loved other people who believed this and harmed me over and over. With this woman and with others who have lashed out at me, blaming me for their anger, I have had to pull away. My heart is too tender to handle this kind of attack.
But the friend who attempted suicide has remained my friend, because she welcomes my love and encouragement. Both of these women received counseling, but only one chose to respond in love and to seek healthy relationships.
The close family relative is like the young woman who tried to use me for her suicide. This relative lashed out at me and never stopped doing so for any and every reason. I know that at least in her youth, she never received counseling for the suicide attempt. In the years I was closer to her, she had never received counseling for anything. She fell into drug and alcohol abuse. She got involved in abusive relationships. She married a good man, but her children have also suffered in bad relationships and with other problems. God is not cruel in how these three generations (parents, children and grand children) have suffered. In Numbers 14:18, God said, “He will visit the iniquity of the fathers upon their children to the third and fourth generation.” God is not angry, or punishing the children, grandchildren and other generations. In Numbers 32:23, God says, “Be sure your sin will find you out.” When the grandparents, parents, children, grandchildren and other generations refuse to stop sinning, they will suffer, often due to the same sins their parents and grandparents committed. It is not that God is punishing future generations, but that those who do not learn often choose to commit the same sins, from one generation to another.
Denying pain and pretending a problem does not exist is a sin. Proverbs 28:13 says, “If you hide your sins, you will not succeed. If you confess and reject them, you will receive mercy.” Also read Jeremiah 6:14, “They dress the wound of my people as though it were not serious.” God clearly wants us to admit when we have problems and ask Him to help us. But when people deny problems, such as my parents denying my relative’s suicide attempt, then the whole family cannot heal. And the unhealed family members may pass on this same behavior to their children and grandchildren.
Of course I did not receive help right away either, and I developed the sugar compulsion, less than a year after I found my relative who attempted suicide. That compulsion forced me to look at my pain, initially with my father-daughter relationship. The compulsion forced me to get the help that my family denied I needed. Initially I did not admit to pain over my parent’s denial of that suicide attempt. I fell into abusive relationships. It took years for me to confess that pain to God. Truly his grace enabled me to develop a food addiction (for extreme amounts of sugar) so I could physically see that something was wrong with me spiritually and emotionally.
I do not want anyone else to suffer such pain. Telling a child she did not see someone attempt suicide is terrifying. I forgive my parents. But I make sure I never silence my children for anything they think and feel. I have told my daughters that they must share their feelings with me, and with God. I would rather have them yell and later apologize for such rudeness than hide all of their pain and frustration. Of course I expect them to be polite, but there are rare times when a child needs to get out her feelings, no matter how poorly she communicates. I remember the many times and the many ways I was silenced, and I know the bad life choices I made, due to being silenced. I carried so much fear and shame in my heart, and I don’t want anyone else to live that way. The suicide attempts I witnessed were not my fault. I am glad that one of the three gals I interacted with found help and healing. I wish all three could have surrendered their hearts to the Lord so they could have healed. I am also so sad for my classmate who died from his suicide.
As a young adult I also went through some spiritual “cleansing” counseling and Bible studies where I renounced any hold Satan had on me for any unforgiveness and for anything evil I may have interacted with, including regarding the suicide attempts of people I love. These were never my fault, but I wanted to be sure I did not have any spiritual ties to the spirit of death that comes with suicide. I may not fully understand everything about suicide, but having experienced people whom I loved attempt it, I recognize my resulting fear and pain and need to surrender to God. Sometimes Satan still tries to pull at my heart. When someone I love is going through a very bad time, I have at times rushed home, terrified and thinking my loved one would be dead of a self inflicted wound. I hate this fear, and I do give it to God. Perhaps this is a bit of what psychologists call “Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.” God has healed me so much. But on occasion I still feel that fear. Then I have to give it back to God again. Perhaps this will be a weakness I have to fight against for the rest of my life. But I do faithfully give it to God each time that fear enters my heart.
I also have a strong faith, as I trust God to care for my loved ones. I also have incredible compassion for anyone with a loved one who either has attempted or is contemplating suicide. I pray God can use my compassion to help others who suffer from this experience. If you have had a loved one do this, please feel free to contact me. I am not a counselor, but I can offer love, prayer and encouragement as one who has also witnessed it. Like the one friend who did heal after her suicide ideation, I pray you can accept love and mercy so you can have a rich, satisfying life too. God wants this for you (“The thief’s purpose is to steal, kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich, satisfying life,” John 10:10.) I am praying for this for all of you, my readers.
Thanks for joining us in this week’s post.