By idealizing another person, could we make that person an idol? In last week’s post, “Hiding from Love,” I admitted I did this with my mom. She was afraid to admit she had hurt me, and we both went along with this rouse of her perfection. Because I could never confront her about how she hurt me, I denied she did. But the pain of unresolved conflict and her wrongs came between me and my love of God later in life when I became a mom. Any pretense we allow to come between us and God is an idol, even if we do not realize we are making it an idol.
We may idolize people in fear and anger, and not just in the obvious way of adoration. Any strong emotion we tie to another person may signal our idolization. For example, if a wife fears her husband’s displeasure (or wrath if the man is harsh) and lives to please or appease him, likely she has made him an idol. A man may hate someone, such as a famous politician, and compulsively talk about the official he hates. He might spend hours listening to TV and pod-casts about this “enemy” and talk about him often. Even if he hates the politician, this angry man has still made an idol of him. We do this when we refuse to see the whole person, whether we try to make that person perfect (as I did with my mom) or all bad (as the angry man in my example.) If we obsess over that person and create a caricature of the true person, we let that person come between us and God.
We may hide negative emotions, such as fear and anger and not let God sort out our thoughts. If we leave these emotions to fester we will obsess about the person and forget God’s ability to handle our problem. We will also over-estimate the power our so-called enemy has. Then we may hate that person and lose empathy for the person’s actual weaknesses.
King Saul did this with David. Saul became obsessed with his perception of David as an enemy instead of the friend David actually was. Seeing only David’s assumed super-power to kill Saul, Saul became terrified of David and hated him (1Sam.19.) Saul did not sympathize with David who was disrespected in his own family and under-valued. Instead, Saul thought of himself and over-inflated his sense of weakness and self pity. Demanding sympathy while actually being the bully (1Sam.22:8) Saul stopped talking to God. Eventually Saul visited a witch to learn the future, because Saul stopped truly seeking God and instead began to listen to his own imagination (1Sam. 28.)
Who might we idolize in fear or anger? I mentioned a man who hates a politician and obsessively watches TV and pod casts that spew negative press about the politician’s perceived evil ways. This angry man forgets that the politician he hates is mortal like others and feels pain and will die one day. That politician has hopes and dreams, fears, and shame, like everyone else. But as long as the angry man only sees this politician as all evil and too powerful, the angry man will not pray for this enemy. Without compassion for the offender, the angry man forgets to praise God and ask for his help.
We don’t need to pray for God to bless the wrong behavior of others. But we can pray for God to correct their wrong and redirect them. We can pray for that person to surrender to Christ. But as long as this angry man only sees the politician as all evil and all powerful he will neither pray for that politician, nor have mercy for him. He will forget to ask God for help and guidance. He will not let God correct his angry thinking and calm his angry and fearful heart.
Any time this angry man thinks of God, he will only brag, show off and delude himself as Saul did when he used pious and fake language (1Sam.15:13.) The angry man will not truly pray. I don’t even remember praying for God to heal my damaged mother-daughter relationship, because I denied I had a problem. I did pray, fervently, for God to heal my father-daughter relationship, but only because my siblings, maternal grandmother and many others said my Dad was too harsh. That relationship received healing, because we both repented. Then my Dad and I grew closer, and we both loved each other more,
I could not heal form the wounds I denied I had. We cannot heal from idealizing others, unless we admit we have made a caricature of that person, whether we deny the person has any flaws (as I did with my mom) or if we hate or fear the other person as the angry man I mentioned does.
The angry man does not admit he has idolized the politician he hates and fears. As a result, the angry man has given enormous power to his alleged enemy. And the angry man has forgotten (or perhaps never knew) that God has all the power, not the politician. It is a sad irony that we give our power to those we idolize, and we deny the power God can work in our lives when we do so. Remember, Jesus could not do many healings in his home town (Mark 6:5) because the people had made a caricature of Jesus. They only saw him as a common man, even a sinner, not as who he truly is, God. Jesus cannot work in our lives (or not work well) when we have idols. When I became a new mom, Jesus was calling me to give up idealizing my mom, because I’d made her “perfection” an idol. I couldn’t get in touch with Jesus’ love until I admitted to how much pain my mom caused me. And my mom was not an evil woman. She did many things right. But I sinned by agreeing with her insistences that I say she was perfect, that I deny she ever hurt me, and that she never needed to apologize to me. I limited my fellowship with the Lord by doing this.
I needed to confess this sin and admit to the things my mom did wrong, so I could let God heal those wounds. Of course I could celebrate the many things my mom did right. But denying my pain enabled me to idolize my mom.
The angry man who rants against a politician also suffers a severance in his fellowship with God. As long as the angry man keeps obsessing over the “evil” of the politician, he will never feel God’s grace. Perhaps not so ironic, that angry man idealized his mom and claimed she was perfect too. Yet his friends and family know she hurt him terribly. So instead of admitting his mom was an imperfect person who did some things right and some things wrong, this man lashes out at many innocent people. He especially lashes out at the women closest to him. He actually speaks of these gals as if they were all bad, and thus at fault for his wrath towards them.
He sees most people in a bad light, except the mother he idolized. Worst of all, he does not turn to God for help, and he has a very poor view of God. He hates the Bible, Christian music and does not enjoy Christian fellowship yet calls himself a Christian. Like Saul, this man has badly deluded himself and is pushing away people who could love him.
Just like that man, and me, we can find many ways to idealize someone and then idolize them. But as I have shared here and in my earlier posts, I have found healing, and you can too. If you have idealized someone and think you may have also idolized that person, please bring this to the Lord. Getting over this belief will not happen instantly, because our self-denial has layers, and God is too gentle to rip off our entire defense system of denial. Just like He did with me, God will gently show you ways you use denial of the truth. God will gently nudge you to make changes. If you deny his offers (as I initially did, out of ignorance) he will allow you to feel some distance from him, (Isaiah59:2, “But your iniquities have separated you from God; your sins have hidden his face from you, so that he will not hear.”) As long as you draw near to God and tell him you are hurting and are not sure what is wrong, he can begin to heal you (James4:8a, “Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.”) Be patient with him and with yourself. And please seek out good, safe Christian friends who believe in your words and desire to heal. The wrong people will stifle your healing (as many people did with mine.) The right people will believe your pain and listen to you as you let them know about it and about your desire to heal.
But make sure you are sincere. Don’t just rant to your friends about injustice. You must truly want to heal and not disparage others. The angry man in this story is real, and I feel so sad about his anger. He will not listen to me, so I pray for him, and I trust God can help him. And even the people who hurt me, like my mom, are people I have prayed for and continued to hope for as long as they were alive. I have prayed for God to guide them back to him. Do this in your own life. If you need to find a Christian counselor, go slowly in interviewing counselors. Find one who truly respects and understands you but who also holds you accountable to grow and be honest with yourself, with her and with the Lord.
I know you can heal, because God has healed me so much and is still healing me!
Thanks for joining us in this week’s post, and please share your ideas if you have any suggestions or prayer requests. I listen to you!