If people really knew me…
Why would we fear rejection and convince ourselves we must hide our weaknesses and flaws? Some people grew up in legalistic and authoritarian homes, like I did, where our performance was valued over the development of our character. Others may have grown up in competitive and critical homes where only the strongest were praised. Some may have led a charmed younger life, rarely failing and now face a life that is no longer so easy. For whatever reason, as we grew up, we developed a belief that we had to present a false image of perfection while knowing our true self was very flawed. Thus we came to think we were imposters, and we feared having people know our true self.
Sometimes parents pass down this imposter syndrome to their children. My dad actually spoke similar words to me after telling me a compassionate woman at my church thought I was a sweet girl. I felt so happy to hear someone kind and admirable actually thought something good about me, because I received frequent criticism at home. But my father crushed that joy as he said, “But she doesn’t really know you.” That statement saddened and frightened me. I silently thought, “Oh, no! If she really knew me, she wouldn’t like me.” This lady’s rare praise seemed worse than criticism after my dad let me know he believed I could not live up to the honor. Certainly in my home my parents loved me, but I had their anger and not their favor. I did not seem to please them, and now I worried that I could not please others, even if they thought I seemed good from the outside. My dad had just taught me performance anxiety just for being alive.
Because of my upbringing, I easily assumed others judged me, even though some wonderful people delighted in me. My beloved maternal grandmother, some teachers and friends dearly loved me. But I was a social klutz, and I was often bullied in school, and I annoyed plenty of teachers with my goofy personality. I was convinced the affirmation of the small group who loved me was an exception. In some ways I was right. The Non-Christian world does not approve of people who are sold out to Jesus and the Bible. I will never fit into the secular world, and even as a young child, I dearly loved Jesus.
But I was convinced that even Christians would judge me, if they truly knew me. Again, I did not realize how many people claim to be a Christian, but they do not love Jesus. Many fake Christians have been unkind to me, and I did not understand the difference between the rare, true Christians, and those who do not love the Lord. Yet even some Bible-believing Christians did judge me, because I grew up in a denomination that permits many things they prohibit. My childhood church permitted moderate consumption of liquor (even though I never liked it) as well as secular music and movies (even though I never liked violence and anything that dishonors the Lord—not by legalism, but simply because I dearly love God and don’t like the dishonoring words and behavior.) We were allowed to wear skirts that skim the knees, while some churches condemn anyone who wears a skirt that does not fully cover her knees. We were allowed to dance, even though I did not like the secular music at dances and ran off the dance floor when a slow song came on (fearing a jerk might ask me to dance.) Eventually Christian dance clubs opened, and I was so happy to go there, but again, many churches prohibit even attending a Christian dance club where no liquor or secular music is permitted. People who attended churches that prohibit those things questioned whether I was a believer.
So I believed the lies I developed from interactions with fake Christians, legalistic Christians, and legalistic family members in my home. I felt like I was a less-than Christian who did not please God or others. And I was convinced I caused them to judge me, due to my defects. I developed what some call the “imposter syndrome,” where I felt like I was only acting in a kind or intelligent way. I thought that if people really got to know me, they would learn I was really a bad person, or that I was only lucky to do so well in school. Even though I loved people and loved to comfort them and serve them, I did not realize how silly it is to think oneself a bad person, just because others don’t like her. Having some teachers’ disapproval also gave me reason to believe I was not intelligent.
I did not believe my heart was real. I did not realize that when I loved others, I was showing my true heart. Instead I remembered every sin I committed, every time I was grouchy or unkind. I remembered every struggle I had in school. And I did make some mistakes in school, and I did sin, so I was remembering real things I had done. And I assumed my bad actions and mistakes in school represented who I was, instead of seeing how much Christ valued me through the sacrifice of his life and his forgiveness. I did not reckon myself pure, even though Jesus said I am pure under the blood of his forgiveness. Instead I considered myself bad, because others said I was bad. I let others define who I was. It is silly, but I gave them the power to say who and what I was.
I did not grow up in a home where we readily receive forgiveness. If I did something wrong, my dad might remind me for years. He let me know that God is very angry with me. My mom reinforced these beliefs, so naturally my siblings did too. I also felt like I needed to earn love. My father could grow angry and yell for no specific reason, so I also believed I caused other people’s anger. I felt unnerved by my so-called ability to cause other people’s anger, because I never knew what I was doing wrong to cause that anger. As an adult, I recognize these people were using unrighteous anger. Lacking self control, they blame others for their fleshly and sinful outbursts. But as a child, I did not have the vocabulary to describe this kind of behavior, let alone recognize other people’s blame was a lie.
Unfortunately, we humans tend to re-create aspects of our childhood, not because we like the bad sides, but because our childhood is familiar to us. Even bad behavior can seem natural and familiar, if we grew up with it. Then we tend to choose people who act the way our family members behaved. This is only wonderful if we grew up in loving, respectful, emotionally-healthy homes. If we grew up in blaming and shaming and controlling homes, we will find ourselves attracted to people like that, from bosses, to mates to friends. Then their cruel behavior will reinforce our belief we are to blame for their anger. And we will continue to think we are not good Christians.
But only part of this is our own sin. The other people’s anger is their fault. And as children, we are not even sinning, by letting others hurt us, because we depend on them. Until we know what to do, to change our life, we are not sinning by allowing bad relationships, because we are uninformed. Only when God begins to reveal the wrong behavior of others to us, do we know enough to tell them to stop. Then we must tell God how much pain we are feeling so he can guide us. We must also ask him to help us take back our power from those people, especially to not believe their name calling and blaming. Then if we continue to let them abuse us, once God has shown us that is wrong, only then are we also guilty of sin in that part of the relationship.
Our course, if we have been unkind to those people, broken any of God’s laws, and held grudges in our hearts, those sins are individually ours, and not the other person’s sin. But the other person’s anger and cruel behavior is NEVER our fault. That person is choosing to do those things. We do not have the power to make another person abuse us, even though many abusers blame us for the bad things they say and do.
But getting back to this idea of the imposter syndrome, I can still fall back into that belief today. I have to catch myself if I find myself thinking other people are better than me because I believe they are more righteous than me, stronger in their faith, and wiser than me. I know many people truly have more of those qualities than I do, but that does not make them better. But my sin nature tends to think all other Christians are stronger than me and more of a joy to God. I am learning to over-come this belief, but it runs so strongly in me that even now I catch myself not feeling worthy, and I have to ask God to re-direct my thoughts.
Satan has always been a liar (John 8:44), and he wants us to think we do not delight God. We may assume we cannot live up to passages like this one is Deut. 30:10, “The Lord your God will delight in you if you obey his voice and keep the commands and decrees written in this book of instruction and if you turn to the Lord your God with all your heart and soul.” Satan wants us to think God remembers all of our sins, and thus God cannot delight in us, because we have not done the things required in that verse (obey him and keep his commands and turn to him with our heart and soul.) Satan wants us to think that if we sin, then we have annulled the promise in that verse.
Satan does not want us to see other delight passages about God such as Psalm 147:11, “But the Lord takes pleasure in those who fear him, in those who hope in his steadfast love,” and Psalm 149:4, “For the Lord takes pleasure in his people; he adorns the humble with salvation.” These passages do not say that God only delights in those who never sin. They do not say that God carries a grudge against us. They confirm that God delights in humble people who look to him for help and who do their best to obey him. Scripture reassures us that God forgives us and then “forgets” our sins. Psalm 103:12 says, “As far as the east if from the west, so far has he removed our transgression from us,” and 1John1:9 says, “If we confess our sins he is faithful and just and will forgive our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”
This is such an important subject that I will add more depth to this post next week. I do not want today’s post to be too long. In closing, I want to reassure you that if you feel like an imposter, I understand. You are not alone, and you are not wrong. Satan is the liar who wants you and me to feel bad and unloved by God. Satan does not want us to see our strengths and the way God delights in us. So please join us next week when I expand this subject. And if you have experienced this, please let me know so I can add any details you would like me to add to next week’s post. Thanks so much for joining us, and may the Lord bless you!