While last week’s post “Same Problem, Different People,” briefly explained why we repeat the same mistakes with different, difficult people, this week we can dig deeper. If we were mistreated in our youth, we may believe lies, based upon that treatment. Then we might attract, even pursue, unkind people who mistreat us, especially if we don’t realize the treatment we received in our childhood was unkind. Sometimes we only acknowledge father issues but don’t recognize problems with our mother, siblings, nannies and other significant people in our life. Any relationship that fostered disrespect and mistreatment of us can confuse us so we live out the same kind of mistreatment in our adulthood. So let’s look at other relationships that plague us into adulthood.
I mentioned we may overlook trouble in relationships, because those people did many good things, so we fear that admitting they hurt us implies we don’t love or honor them. I debunked that myth, and I pray you also no longer believe it. If not, please re-read my post from last week. Good people can still do some bad things, and sadly they may refuse to admit they hurt us. We can never get close to people who deny they hurt us, even if it was our mother, sibling or some other very important person from our childhood. When a person is unkind and disrespectful, especially if that person abused us, then we have to tell ourselves, God, and if possible another person, that we are hurt. While I went into detail about that process, I want to dig into some of the other myths we may believe, and also look at the “other people” who cause pain, since so much of society talks only about “Father issues,” (where dads were too rough or mean.)
Many mothers have done so many good things for their children, but due to pride, these same moms deny doing anything wrong. But God is the only perfect parent, so moms do sin. Perhaps moms from an older generation believed the lie that parents should never be confronted for hurting their children, and parents should never apologize. I don’t know if parents today still cling to that vicious lie, but perhaps you have a mom who did. She sinned by believing that and by not allowing you to tell her how she hurt you, and by not repenting and working on changing the ways she hurt you. Please know I mean severe hurts, such as denying that a sibling attempted to commit suicide and refusing to discuss it, despite the horror of the child who found the one who tried but survived a suicide attempt. Or the mother who allowed her husband to beat the children, and now they feel betrayed that mother did not protect them. Or a mother may have not wanted to hug her children, talk to them, listen to them, and the child is genuinely starved for a normal mother-child relationship. There are many other ways where severe neglect or abuse occurred. I do not mean a tired mom who needs a break or does something small and apologizes. When a mom apologizes and works on changing, she is doing a good thing.
I refer to a mom who actually believes children should be seen and not heard or who shames her child in other very harsh ways (not the occasional slip ups.) Some moms reject their child’s true personality and shame the child for being who she is, whether the mom says her extrovert is too friendly and loud, or her introvert is too shy and quiet. The list can go on, but these moms have hurt their children and need to hear the child’s pain and need to repent before the child and work to improve the relationship.
So many of those moms will never admit they hurt the child and will further shame the child when she (or he) comes to the mom to discuss that pain. This is still a sin on the mom’s behalf, and not the child. God calls us to repent of our sins. I discussed that in last week’s post. I can only wonder if such moms were raised in harsh homes where they were shamed too, so they only know how to shame their children. Maybe those moms think that admitting they sinned negates all the great things they did right. Certainly this is why many children, even adult children, never bring up the pain. But denying the pain and never improving the unhealthy aspects of a relationship will never enable the child to grow close to her mom. Only respectful, mutually open relationships allow people to grow intimately close. Deceit never allows people to truly know one another, and denying the pain one person caused is a form of deceit.
Now this is NOT to shame moms who may wonder if they did anything wrong. Of course we all sin and hurt others. Moms who love their children and apologize when they realize they did something wrong are not the ones I am discussing. Moms who do their best and ask the children for input are not harmful. Even moms who deny the pain they caused can still love their children. My mom denied hurting me and would not apologize, but she did love me very much and did so many good things. But I shared before, I grew much closer to my dad who welcomed my confrontation, apologized, and then worked on changing the ways he had previously hurt me. We can love the parents who deny hurting us. But we cannot grow as close to them, and we may take lies we believed about our mom into other relationships.
So even when a mom refuses to listen to her children’s confrontation, a gal (or guy) needs to assess her beliefs. If she believes she cannot confront the other people in her life, she may be enabling them to hurt her too. If she believes others do not have to apologize when they hurt her, she may be in relationships with people who hurt her over and over. She needs to confront the people in her life, (Luke 17: 3 “So watch yourselves! If another believer sins, rebuke that person; then if there is repentance, forgive.”) Perhaps they use sarcasm and put down jokes, or they demand more than she can give and then shame her when she cannot deliver. They may vent their anger on her and then leave her exhausted after hearing far more than she should have heard. They may neglect her and only come around when they are in need. There are many ways that people hurt us. The main goal in assessing the relationships is to know whether we are repeating patterns from our childhood.
Siblings also might hurt us, and we neither confront them, nor admit to ourselves we were hurt. Often this happens for two reasons. First, we may believe the sibling was a child, therefore he or she is not to blame for very harsh behavior. Second, our sibling may have grown up and become a kind and loving person who would no longer harm us. We may have had a sibling who beat us (not just a shove, but very harsh beatings and threats of such harsh beatings), berated us, shamed us, destroyed valuables, and did other very harsh things. I am not referring to normal sibling rivalry. Siblings have been known to fight and call names. This is wrong, but most siblings will apologize and work on changing. I am referring to extremes of harsh behavior. We may have internalized this harmful behavior and now we permit others to treat us the same way. We may not even realize we are permitting wrong behavior.
In the end, we need to honestly look at our lives. If we continue to suffer from similar problems with different people, we believe lies. We need to find out what we believe, and ask God to help us change what we believe. Christian counselors can often help us recognize we believe lies and then help us unlearn those lies and replace them with God’s truth.
One way to change how we believe we should be treated is to look at how God wants to treat us and what God thinks of us. While God hates our sin, he delights in who we are in our redeemed personality—that is our true self, not the sin-nature, tainted self. We have innate personalities, and when we surrender our lives to Christ, God redeems us. He helps us to not act out in our weaknesses, whether that means an introvert chooses to spend at least some time with some truly in-need people (like widows), or an extrovert chooses to listen and not do all the talking. God is delighted in how he made us. We are his treasure. If our interaction with another person leaves us feeling like we are not valuable, then something is wrong in that relationship, because God values us. So we must search our hearts and perhaps discuss this with a good friend, or a Christian counselor. We need to see ourselves the way God sees us, and our past relationships may interfere with our ability to see that truth. So please ask God to direct you so you can heal in these ways. And since I said God delights in you, I wanted to share some verses about his delight in you:
Zephaniah 3:17, NIV “The LORD your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.”
Psalm 18:19, ESV “He brought me out into a broad place; he rescued me, because he delighted in me.”
Psalm 149:4, GNT “The Lord takes pleasure in his people; he honors the humble with victory.”
Psalm 147:11, NIV “The LORD delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love.”
Psalm 35:27, AMP “Let them shout for joy and rejoice, who favor my vindication andwant what is right for me; Let them say continually, ‘Let the Lord be magnified, who delights and takes pleasure in the prosperity of His servant’.”
Proverbs 12:22, ESV “Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord, but those who act faithfully are his delight.”
Psalm 37:23-24, NLT “The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand.”
The Scriptures are full of many other passages about God’s delight in us. Please read the Scriptures so you can see God’s delight for yourself. And please don’t be afraid of examining your life to see if you believe any lies. God really can help you to change your thinking, even if you believed lies from your earliest childhood. God has such great plans for you life, and none of them involve shame! Psalm 25:3 “No one who trusts in you will ever be disgraced, but disgrace comes to those who try to deceive others.”
Thanks for joining us in this post. I did not cover every aspect of childhood lies, but I pray I shared enough to help you examine your own life and then find joy in the truths of God’s love for you and the love of good people who genuinely cherish you. Have a blessed week!