Recognizing Patterns in Your Sin
Last week I closed my post mentioning that some stubborn Christians do not want to face and heal their pain. These gals and men are moody or irritable all the time, not on occasion. These people may actually have different chronic problems too, whether that means always being angry, fearful or suffering from addictions or other mood problems/sins. The main problem among all of these folks is the chronic nature of their weakness/sin. I was one of those people with my severe sugar addiction until I brought my pain to God. And I had other issues like freezing up and blocking people from getting close to me (when I was immersed in my pain.) So I cannot say people with the chronic weaknesses/sins are foreign to me. I have been one of them!
Having lived over 5 decades, I have seen many gals and guys who suffered undeniable pain they refused to admit existed and thus they never brought to God. At the best, they might casually mention something horrible about their younger years, as if the bad experience was harmless. Yet as I saw their lives, I witnessed destruction in their broken relationships with others. They could not maintain long term healthy relationships, either with the opposite sex, or at their worst, with anyone. They either hurt many other people, or they let others hurt them. I think of Isaiah 1: 6-7 where God told Israel that they were badly injured, yet they denied they were hurt and in need of his help. That entire first chapter talks about a people in need who denied their need.
Since I was one of those people (and I still sin in other ways), I know the horrible feeling of having a relentless addiction (for many it is the addiction to a bad mood or temper) and the wrong emotions that go with that addiction. I always felt like I was on the verge of sorrow. I never had a boyfriend, because I would not let men get close. And unless a person seemed very safe and very vulnerable, I kept people at a distance. When I healed, some tough people admitted they thought I was cold or even selfish. I hate that aspect of my life, and strangely enough, the needy and hurting people did not think I was cold, because they did not scare me so I tended to let them get closer to my heart.
Usually the people who continue in their pain and denial suffered from harm in their childhood, often in their home. Some grew up in racist homes, or homes where children were “to be seen and not heard” (emotional neglect and disrespect), or a parent was an alcoholic, or parents were chronic liars; and this list of abuse or neglect could go on and on. I would not hear about the abuse when I first met these people, but over time, they would casually talk about their childhood (or early adulthood if this was when the abuse occurred) as if their childhood/early adulthood was not harmful. I simply listened to their revelations, especially when I was young. Perhaps I was like the “deer in the headlights,” shocked by what I heard. I also did not feel qualified to talk to my friends about their problems, even if I could see they had deep pain they were denying. As I have aged, when I have had the courage to briefly approach the subject of abuse in my friends’ or coworkers’ younger years, I have found unreceptive ears. Many people resist even hearing that what they suffered was harsh. So few cry over their pain. Some people even get angry and will attack if we suggest they suffered true abuse. Pain is so scary to so many people, that many never admit to that pain and never get healing from it.
My dad was definitely like that. He had such a harsh childhood, but he never wanted to go beyond his brief admissions of how he was treated. He carried his sorrow to his grave. He did soften his anger as he drew closer to Jesus, in later years. But I know he never fully healed, because he kept people at a distance and never had truly close friends. I tried to talk to him about this, but he absolutely did not want to deal with it, so I had to let him live his life with that emotional distance from any friends.
This lack of understanding reminds me of 1 King 19:1-18 where Elijah fell into a terrible depression, yet he could not understand why he felt this way. I especially appreciated verse 7 when an angel of God told Elijah, “the journey is too much for you.” Elijah could not understand his circumstances, and in fear and exhaustion, he ran away from his problems. God had to come to Elijah and show him his need. We can pray for God to show our loved ones their need and their exhaustion. Addictions and other chronic sins are exhausting. But we have to admit to our need. Jer.3:13 tells us to acknowledge our guilt. And if we think being angry all the time is righteous, we need to look at Proverbs29:11 which says, “Fools give full vent to their anger,” and Proverbs 12:16 also says it is a fool who readily shows his annoyance. Whether it is chronic anger, fear, or an addiction, we need God’s help so we can heal.
I can’t even explain why I healed, except that I was convinced there had to be a better way to live. In my case, my sugar consumption was so out of control, even outsiders noticed it. So many people said I just needed a diet, but I had heard about addictions coming from emotional pain, and I knew I wanted healing from both the sugar and the grief. God graciously delivered healing in both ways.
But I write this post today about the people who still cling to their pain and thus still have chronic strongholds in their lives. If you think you are one of those people, or if you have a friend who suffers this way, please do not fear your pain. As I said in last week’s post, “Yes” it takes time and “Yes,” it will hurt to finally admit to the depth of that pain. You cannot share all of that pain with just anyone, because some people will accuse you of being insane, as some did to me when I cried so much and spoke of how much it hurt. Those are the “Nay-sayers,” the critics who have nothing to offer you. They will not help you to heal, but they will hinder your healing and growth. Never share your heart with people like that. Even friends may not fully understand how essential it is to feel your pain and process your grief. Too many people assume we cry once and then we heal. Those critics say that we should not cry again about the same subject. But those critics likely are also addicted to something and also deny their pain. They are not healthy people to share any part of your heart and self with.
Safe people have either dealt with their pain, or they want to do so (and may be starting that process now.) They will welcome your healing journey. The first step is to look at your life (or help your friend if she suffers this way.) Is there a specific sin you repeat over and over? I don’t mean minor things (we all worry and even grumble a bit) but something that deeply stymies you like chronic anger, chronic irritability, chronic and extreme fear, complete inability to let any people get close to you, or even an addiction. You may have found some other chronic area where you realize you have a stronghold.
I know it hurts to admit you were hurt, but you must look as far into your past as you need to do, if you know you have had relationships that hurt you. This is not digging up the past to cause trouble. You might never even need to talk to the people who hurt you. They may have died, moved out of your life, or are so unsafe you don’t want to talk to them. The one you bring this to is God. He is 100% safe, and he wants to hear you cry about this. He wants to hear you tell him how angry you are that the people abused you or neglected you or severely disrespected you. He wants to hear your tears over this terrible loss. Perhaps you had a parent who was emotionally absent. You can tell God how much you wanted a loving dad or mom. If a spouse cheated and abandoned you when you were young (or even mature) God wants to hear you tell him how much you loved this person and how much it hurts that he left you.
God is not offended by a “thankless” spirit when you are grieving. Please don’t censor yourself as you cry. Maybe the spouse supported you financially for a long time but then left. Crying over the loss does not mean you are thankless for the good years. If you had an emotionally absent parent, crying over that loss does not mean you are not thankful for the physical provision that parent offered. When we grieve, we must not censor our thoughts and try to be balanced. Later we give thanks for the good part, but only once we have grieved and told God how much it hurt, even if we tell God a hundred times. Later we can begin to think of the aspects of that relationship that we feel thankful for. God understands that just like an infected wound must be cleaned of its infection before the wound can close, our sorrow must be cleaned up before we can offer thanks. There will be a time for sorting out the good aspects of that relationship. For now, we must grieve to cleanse our hearts of the sorrow. God understands and he does not expect you (or your friend if you are helping her) to heal instantly. The main goal is to keep coming back to God.
So please look at your life (or your friend’s life if she has welcomed you to help her) and see if there are strongholds there. God can and will heal you. But He cannot and will not enter your life until you let him. Like my dad, you can be lonely and go to your grave that way with unresolved pain. But I would rather see you (and if you are helping your friend—you would rather see her) healed, even if it does mean a long process. The first step may be the hardest one. It is called “admitting.” You must admit to yourself and to God that you have a problem. You don’t even need to fully define the problem. At first it is enough just to admit there is an area in your life that you feel is out of control.
Once you admit to yourself and to God that you suffer in some way, you can tell God you want his help. But I have to re-iterate that telling God once will not heal the deepest wounds. Telling God only once heals the small irritations, not the huge ones. And you may want to find a good, Christian counselor who can work with you and guide you. If you can find a support group of others who also suffer in this way it can be so helpful. Even if you only find one other friend or associate who has suffered and who understands you, it is essential to have that emotional support. When other people tell us they understand, even if they do not have all the answers, we find solace. We are social beings and we need fellowship, including the fellowship of those who have also suffered.
I have not fully discussed all that relates to this process of admitting we are hurt and then seeking help. Yet I don’t want to overwhelm my readers with so much information at one time. I will write more about this next week, although soon I also want to write about joy and laughter, since God has been directing me about these wonderful gifts too. God forgives us when we sin (he forgives me daily), and he helps us release the pain when others hurt us too. So let’s close for now, but please come back next week so I can add one more dimension to this idea of strongholds and the ways we can break them in our lives. God is so good, and he can and will heal us when we open up to him about our pain. I pray we’ve blessed you this week.