As I studied Leviticus, I discovered God directly confronts the sin of codependence (though the Bible does not give it that name.) This sin causes well-meaning people to do things for others they should have done for themselves. This sin causes people to dwell in fear (extreme worry) about loved ones and even try to control them, thinking this will protect them.
Codependence is not the true love that righteously seeks to protect a loved one in genuine need. It is not the same as interdependence where two people willingly encourage and counsel (even confront) each other with wanted and cherished advice. Codependents might be directly bossy, telling others what to do, or manipulative, trying to sneakily coerce someone to do what she thinks the other needs to do. Codependents may pay for things others should pay for, or do work the other person should do for him or herself. The codependent tries to play God, especially in lives of people who have legitimate needs or trouble. The problem is that we are not God. Rarely if ever does God reveal to us glimpses of his will for others. Even when we clearly see a problem another person has, God does not tell us to try to take over the other person’s life to make all of his or her decisions.
Here is the verse I discovered while studying Leviticus 19:17, “Do not nurse hatred in your heart for any of your relatives. Confront people directly so you will not be held guilty for their sins.” Codependents would never say they hate their relatives (or friends.) But codependents do nurse annoyance and resentment against those who don’t obey the codependent’s direct or indirect (manipulative) commands. The codependent thinks she has simply given great advice and resents others not following that advice. Even if the other person truly hurts the codependent, this verse commands believers to directly confront the offender, but most codependents don’t confront directly.
As noble as codependents may sound, rushing around to do so much to “serve” others, many codependents do nurse resentment, because others don’t appreciate all that help and advice. This verse impacts me, because I’ve been guilty of codependence, doing for others what they should do for themselves. I have resented the receivers for not thanking me and at times for their demanding more than even I could give them.
Codependence becomes a “black hole of a job,” that even well-meaning (but misguided) people cannot keep doing. This gal realizes she cannot keep up doing too much, and she gets angry. Resentment easily fills a codependent’s heart if not also fear. And this is such a pernicious sin, a person cannot simply “quickly repent” and fully change overnight. God has so much work to do in a codependent’s life. Recovery from codependence can take time the way recovery from an addiction takes time. In a sense, a codependent is also addicted. She is addicted to trying to fix others. This social addiction requires a healthy community for recovery. A codependent gal cannot “recover” on her own. She needs godly friends with whom she can confess her addiction so they can help hold her accountable. She needs to dig deeply into God’s love so she can trust him to care for others when God (via the nudging of the Holy Spirit) tells her to back off in someone’s life. She needs God’s love to let her feel loved, since she may have believed she had to earn people’s love by overly serving them.
Like all other sins, the first step to recovery requires confession and admission that a gal is helpless, in this case, helpless to stop playing God in another person’s life. Admitting our inability to fix our own sin enables us to remember our need for the Savior. Yet even when we confess this sin to the Lord, we have to be willing for him to take it from us and then to teach us what not to do (as well as what to do.)
If we’ve spent a life time trying to fix others, we need a long time for God (and safe, healthy friends) to guide us to let go of other people’s lives. Ironically we may have so tried to “Help” (control) others, we may have neglected our own lives.
Yet taking care of ourselves will initially feel selfish. Those we “over helped” may also resent us for pulling back from doing their work for them. We may have had lazy co-workers who goofed off and dumped their work on us. Or we had adult children or friends who let us do work for them that they should have done for themselves (or paid their debts when they could do so themselves.) These people may have resented our scolding and unsolicited advice, but they may have liked having us do their work or pay their bills.
When we expect them to live as responsible adults, they may accuse us of being selfish. Yet all of this was wrong. Healthy adults should do their own work. Look at 2Thes3:10, “He who will not work shall not eat.” This verse did not say, “He who cannot work,” such as disabled people, but “He who will not work,” since some people are able but will not pull their fair share. We should not exhaust ourselves doing everyone else’s work. We should not call the boss and lie for a drunken spouse or try to fix some other offense an addict caused. Whether we played god with an addict or an otherwise healthy adult, we damaged the relationship and made it uneven (us giving too much, them giving too little.)
Healthy friends want to share in giving and taking. Of course codependents attract some healthy friends too. But in relationships that are unbalanced, codependents need to begin to let go of that control. The “Anonymous” movement is famous for “Alcoholics Anonymous,” and it has family groups for those who are codependents. There is “Al Anon,” for family members of alcoholics; “Narc Anon” for families of narcotic addicts; and even “Families Anonymous,” for families of any addict (plus many other “Anon” groups.) These organizations use “Twelve Steps,” for recovery. The steps include some things I shared about, such as our need to admit we are powerless over our addiction. While those groups do not allow members to declare their specific faith, the groups do acknowledge a need for a higher power. For Christians, we know this is the Triune God: The Heavenly Father, Jesus the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Any of us who have behaved in codependent ways know we need the Lord!
This concept of codependence is complex, and I wanted to briefly introduce it, in light of our Christian faith. Sadly, weak Christians and unbelievers like to exploit very loving Christians into giving too much, and those Christians can fall into this sin of codependence, due to this un-merited guilt these nonbelievers (and weak Christians) dump on the givers. It even happens in churches. Whether we are currently suffering or did suffer in the past from being codependent or we have a loved one who still suffers living this way, we can seek God’s freedom to break away from this exhausting life style. Satan loves to dupe Christians into falling into this way of living, because it really can sound noble. But it is not. God must be God in people’s lives; a human never can take that role. Healthy adults can pull their own load without dumping work or debts upon others. This post will not give all the answers to those suffering from this addiction. Instead, I pray it has introduced my readers to this fact and given you some ideas about what to do first to begin your journey of healing, or to help a friend who wants to heal. 1Cor15:57, “But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ!” This sin may take time to heal, but in time, we will claim the full victory over it. For now, our victory is in recognizing we no longer have to live this way and can begin the healing process.
Please share with me any ideas you have about this post and also whether you would like me to expand on it more, both from a Biblical position, as well as showing how God has been healing me of my codependence. Oh, God is so good! He keeps his promises to heal us. I have experienced quite a bit of healing from this frustrating way of over-giving. The best healing comes in our minds when we realize we don’t have to over-give, and we can let go of the false guilt the users put upon us to take too much from us.
Then we have the joyful freedom to serve those who truly need help (whether in Sunday School, or visiting a shut-in neighbor or doing whatever GOD has called you to do, not some overly demanding person.) Serving God truly can be a joy. When we feel a burden, we need to ask God why and then let him redirect us. He has the best plans for us as he promised in Jer.29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” I know I quote this verse often, but it never stops bringing me joy!
I pray we have blessed you with this post, and if you wish, feel free to share it with a friend.