(or your friend lacked one)
God designed humans to have a safe, loving relationship with an earthly father (and mother, but today’s post is about dads.) What if you lacked this loving relationship in your childhood? While God has promised to be a father to the fatherless (Psalm68:5,) how can a gal (or guy) appropriate God’s fatherly love to fill that gap? Can the pain be instantly healed? Let’s look at some answer for these concerns.
Whether your dad was completely (physically) missing, or emotionally absent (home but his heart seemed aloof), this gap emotionally cripples people, especially gals. Gals unintentionally respond to this loss in many ways, such as rejecting men, choosing abusive men, over-achieving, not letting others into their heart, just to name a few. These gals may act in reclusive ways, shying from any attention (even healthy friendships or acclaim,) or they may become loud and aggressive, demanding too much attention.
The worst trouble from this father-loss comes when a gal does not realize the depth of her pain and loss, because then she will act out and never get help. Whether we or our friend are the gals who suffered a father-loss, we need to have compassion and patience, because this pain cannot be cured instantly. This pain comes from 18 years of loss in childhood. While it may not take 18 years to heal this wound, it does not heal without its acknowledgement and then grieving the loss within a community of loving friends. No one can truly heal alone from a wound caused by this loss, despite some people claiming they can. I’ve met people with relational dysfunctions, due to this wound, yet they were blind to their maladaptive behavior and claimed they were fine. God put us into a community so we could love and support one another. Remember, God said, “It is not good for man to be alone,” (Genesis2:18.)
I discussed my healing journey about my father-wound in my post, “Embracing Grief” so check that out. Today I want to talk about this father wound in a broader context, beyond grieving. This process should never be rushed. Too many people believe revisiting our un-confessed past is ungodly or morbid. Those people misquote Paul when he said (in Phils3:13b), “Forgetting what lies behind, and straining towards what lies ahead…” Paul was choosing to forget (or ignore) his past successes like being a Pharisee. He was not denying pain from his past. Denying a wound means not letting God heal it. Yet facing the pain of a father wound can be terrifying and overwhelming. I worked with a loving, fatherly counselor to enable me to face my pain, and I followed some specific steps.
Here are the steps I took:
- I acknowledged my wound. I took my time.
- I grieved my loss. I also acknowledged more pain as I uncovered it.
- I told all of this to a safe person (mine was a trained, Christian counselor.)
- I got involved with a loving group of friends. I chose who to tell about my healing. If they were safe and eager to comfort me, I shared. If not, I just let them be my kind and loving, fun friends. I needed friends of all kinds. This may be very hard if you are wounded in this way. Find at least one friend, but please give others a chance, even if you only have one close friend, and the others are “acquaintances.”
Loving friends will not replace a dad. But they fill our hearts with love, and this helps a gal resist many of the dysfunctional behaviors I mentioned at the start of this post.
5) I confronted my dad. Be aware, this is painful. Please only do so with a trained counselor. Some dads will never repent. Even if he can no longer be found (or is dead), he can still be confronted by you as you pretend he is in a chair across from you. I recommend the book by H. Norman Wright, Always Daddy’s Girl.
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H. Norman Wright details a gracious way to choose only one thing your dad did to hurt you. I used that method, and then I told him, “Dad this is just one of many ways you hurt me.” I used “I statements,” like, “I felt hurt when you did…” I did not use “you statements,” like, “You are wrong, and you have to change.” Like me, you can invite your dad into change, if he is willing. This segues into the sixth step.
6)After I had gently confronted my dad, I asked him to do some loving things for me.
If you feel you cannot confront your dad (I could, but I couldn’t confront my mom,) then skip step five and go to step six. Ask for small and reasonable goals from your dad. These might include asking for a few expressions initiated by him (like a phone call.) Think of what your dad might be able to do. Would you like him to accept your hugs? You might have to initiate things, such as saying, “Dad when I ask, would you confirm you’re proud of me?”
In my post, “Not my Mother’s Favorite Child:” I admitted I could not confront my mom, because she heard me confront my dad and angrily told me, “Parents never apologize to their children.” My dad did not agree with her. In my mom’s case, I did ask her for some expressions of approval. She agreed, albeit stiffly, and I was thankful.
We cannot change our dads. By God’s grace, my dad did change and soften as he aged. Once he realized I needed more love, he gave it as best as he could. I felt so thankful for what he offered, and I was careful to not be too demanding and request more than he could give. You see, my dad’s father was much harsher on my dad and much less loving than my dad was. This paternal grandfather hurt my dad, so my dad had a father-wound too. He had some of the maladaptive behaviors I mentioned. He grew up in a society where people denied their pain, trying to be strong. But this was never a strength in my dad’s life. This stoicism is a weakness. “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted” (Matt.5:4.) Jesus wants people to bring their sorrows and pain to him. But he does not want people to isolate from others after they go to him. Look at verses like, “Not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another,” (Heb.10:25.) Also look at this verse, “We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak and not to please ourselves,” (Rom.15:1.) These verses prove God wants us to share our hearts and not just our minds with other, safe people.
So I want to urge my readers to be aware of your (or your loved one’s) life patterns. Be aware if you or your friend have had a history of broken relationships, or of acting in unhealthy ways, whether being too reclusive, or bossy and overbearing, or over-achieving to a point of burn out, or having any addiction (even related to food), of instability in jobs (quitting often) or any other inability to maintain peace in your life, and any sense of restlessness and discontent with life. This is not a complete list of maladaptive behaviors, but it can help you look at any bad patterns in your life.
Some gals overlook their father wound, because their dad was physically in the home. He may have provided financially. He may have never struck her. He may have never cheated on her mom, etc. But if this dad withheld his heart from his daughter and did not let her share her heart with her dad, this man still left a huge gap in this gal’s life. If that is you or your friend, please bring this matter to the Lord. You don’t have to do all of the steps I followed. You might use a few steps and work with God in a different way. But please look at this matter and seek healing (or urge your friend if she is willing.)
Some gals want to heal. They want to hear a loving, safe friend express concern for her life. Some friends may initially resist our concern, but if we urge them to consider it and pray about it, they may eventually admit they suffer this loss and seek healing. Others refuse to admit they have this wound and won’t deal with it appropriately. For example, I have a friend who had three failed marriages (all divorced), even though she did admit her dad abused and neglected her. She refused to tie her bad choices in men to her dad issues and never sought healing. She is intelligent and hard working, and perhaps she felt she could fix her life by ignoring the pain. She is a very sweet gal, so I love her, whether or not she makes poor choices.
But some friends hate the maladaptive patterns in their lives more than they fear facing the pain. These gals truly want to heal. If God enables you to comfort this friend, you can be part of her healing journey.
If you are the one who thinks, “Do I have father-grief?” please bring this matter to God. Take your time to heal. I can still slip into needy or reclusive behavior if I am not receiving enough love from friends and especially from God. I have to accept that I never had a kindly, loving, father-daughter relationship throughout my childhood. While I believe God heals us, I also acknowledge this is a weakness rooted deeply in my heart. I am unlike the carefree gal who always remembers her dad’s love and acts in emotionally strong ways, due to the depth of love she grew up with. That gal has a full childhood of love and support. This positively impacted her. I do not have that kind of emotional depth in my life. I do have God’s filling. But I have to deep coming back to him, because of this scar.
I disagree with people who claim we can fully overcome all scars from our past. God will comfort us and ease that pain. But it is easy and cruel for people who had a healthy childhood to tell people with deeps scars from their childhood to, “Get over it.” These scars remain, even in a gal who dearly loves God. This is why we need to be a community of loving and forgiving believers. We must never judge others or even ourselves. God did not promise us an easy life, and Jesus said, “In this life there will be many trials and sorrows,” (John16:33a.) He did not promise to remove all pain. But he did promise that “It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” (Deut.31:8.) As such, we who are wounded by lack of a father’s love must constantly come back to God for him to re-fill our leaky (scarred) hearts. And we must remain in close fellowship with loving friends who minister Christ to us (1Thes.2:8, “Having so fond an affection for you, we were well-pleased to impart to you not only the gospel of God but also our own lives, because you had become very dear to us.”)
I pray we have blessed you with this week’s post. If you know a gal who suffers this father-loss, share this with her. Feel free to use the Facebook and Twitter links I’ve recently added too. May the lord bless you this week. Thanks for joining us in this post.