When Angry People’s Words Strike Our Hearts

Angry people’s words and lies can strike our souls and harm us if we begin to believe these lies.  Even when we tell our logical side the words come from a liar or emotionally unstable person, we might not notice the bad impact those words have on our subjective heart.  When an angry person blames others for his or her cruel actions and problems, the innocent accused might succumb to shame and self blame.

Sometimes a gal may have gotten into a relationship with this kind of angry blamer.  She may have taken a job with such a harsh boss, married this harsh man, or bought a house next to neighbors who ended up being cruel and dishonest.  Or she may be related to this person and has to interact, at least somewhat, with that person.  Now the gal may feel forced to stay in the relationship and is struggling to not accept the blame for this person’s outbursts.

Like me, you may find it strange that anyone could scream and yell at others and then blame them for the yelling and for the angry person’s problems.  I acknowledge I cause my own problems, when I make mistakes or act rashly, and yes I sin!  I apologize to anyone I hurt, and I work hard to not repeat my mistakes and sins (I do repeat some, but less and less often).  Thus I am amazed that some people will not acknowledge their own sins when they are clearly wrong but instead blame others.

Lance Armstrong, the former professional cyclist, was one of those angry, lying blamers.  He got caught cheating in the Tour de France bike race, but only after years of denying the cheating and viciously attacking anyone who suggested he cheated. He hurt so many people, and he never cared.  This is the heart of evil.  Some people smile while they tell lies that harm others.  We will never fully understand this level of depravity, and we are better off not trying to figure them out, as their evil could depress us.

But we need to identify these people and call them what they are.  We are always open to forgive them, but people who are unrepentant and repeat this behavior are just that, angry liars.  This is not name calling (or judging) when they live in this chronic state of cruelty.  It is simply the important step in protecting our hearts.  We already do this with skunks.  We instantly recognize black with a white stripe, and we give these animals respect and avoid them.  We are not calling them names when we say they are stinkers and volatile.  They are both, and we are wise when we stay away from them.

But we cannot fully avoid these angry people in our lives.  Yet we can avoid some of their behavior.  This is why we must identify them and admit to ourselves when these people repeat their behavior, either never apologizing or giving fake apologies.  The fake apologies are angrily spoken, defiantly spitting out the word, “Sorry,” as if we have offended them by calling out their sin.  When they are unrepentant, they will do the same yelling, insulting and name calling and accusing over and over.  They will never stop unless God confronts them.

But they must not be our focus (God must be our focus and thus our joy).  We need to simply identify them and acknowledge they are truly this way.  We must not lie to ourselves and make excuses for their behavior, at least in our minds.  In our minds we have to accept the reality of repeated, cruel behavior.  If we deny their wrong actions, we will absorb their blame. We may think this is noble and humble, but it is neither.  Truly loving someone means we acknowledge who they truly are, including their flaws. This is true of kind people who have weaknesses too, but it is essential with the cruel ones.

Next, we must externalize their behavior.  We cannot accept their blame.  Yes, we are sinners, yes, we make mistakes.  But none of our behavior deserves yelling, name calling (insults), and being accused by them for their mistakes and bad behavior.  If we ever slipped up and yelled at someone, we would burn with shame.  We would be eager to apologize. I am!  My daughters don’t let me get away with being mean.  They even tell me if I am being a bit too abrupt or impatient.  I like it this way, knowing I cannot live a life of hurting my girls.  I want to keep “short accounts” with them, meaning they see when I am wrong and catch it so I don’t live days, weeks, or years hurting them.  I want this with God too, that he would catch me right when I sin and not let me keep sinning and dull my relationship with him.

But that is normal for healthy people.  This is not normal for emotionally unhealthy people.  The truth is we can never get very close to this kind of person, whether he is a boss, husband, neighbor or relative.  We can treat this person with God’s forgiveness, and love him (or her) deeply in the Lord, but we must never be vulnerable with this person.  We cannot reveal our weaknesses to this person, because he will use them against us.  We can give to this person, in limited ways, but this person may also be a black hole kind of taker who would take everything we have if we let him.  Like a spoiled toddler, these people need limits, especially limits in how much we give to them and how much we interact with them.

If you have an early adulthood or childhood history of being lied to, yelled at or in any other way severely disrespected, you will be more prone to take unwarranted blame from accusers.  So it is also important to be in tuned with your heart. If you feel restless and disquieted, invite God to help you analyze your feelings.  You might have godly friends, like mine, who helped me see my feelings and thoughts were not based upon what was happening.  They helped me analyze my feelings and my relationship with the Lord to see I was believing a lie.  Good friends can help you see these lies that have taken root in your heart (or any other struggle you might not realize is burdening you).  With God’s help, you can root out those lies.

We need to tell ourselves that we do not deserve their behavior.  If you can, let this man (or people) know you will not take the yelling, name calling and insults.  If you have to, walk away from this person until he is willing to speak calmly.  Sadly this limits conversations, but this is safe.  Very few people can hear this level of insults and blaming without beginning to believe them.  God has not condemned us: “There is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus,” (Romans 8:1).  These people’s words are of Satan, not God. Jesus explained a similar situation in John 8:44, “You are of your father the devil, and your will is to do your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, and has nothing to do with the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies.”   We do not give the devil an audience.  Even Jesus rebuked Peter, when Satan was using Peter as a mouthpiece to tell Jesus lies about not needing to go to the cross, when clearly Jesus did need to go to the cross (Matt. 16:23).

Remember, when these people yell, call names, insult you and blame you for the problems they clearly cause, you must not listen.  We are not called to listen to the devil, and these people are his spokesmen.  These people are not the devil, just his puppets.  They may one day repent and turn to the Lord.  But until they do, they can hurt you.  I know, because I shared in an earlier post, “Miraculous Healing Today,” that I had begun to believe one of these angry liars.  I became convinced I was harboring hidden sin, but I could not figure out what it was.  Eventually I recognized God’s grace instead.  I love the Lord. He reminded me of this. I ask him to guide me every day.  He loves me and does guide me, including telling me when I sin (which I do).  He would not let me go for weeks on end without revealing my sins.  He knows I love him and don’t want to hurt him.  I know, almost instantly, when I sin. 

I am still amazed by how Satan (or his demons) tricked me into indirectly taking the blame from this angry man.  I may not have believed all of his lies directly, but the negativity had soaked into my spirit so that I began to think I must be guilty of something un-confessed.  But it was all a lie.  Coming from my own experience, I wanted to share this post to encourage you gals that this unwarranted self-blame can sneak in slowly and so subtly, we may not even recognize the source.  God and a few of my close friends had to show me.  I am so thankful they reminded me. 

I had interacted with people like this a long time ago, and I thought I had fully figured out their schemes.  But this showed me how subtle Satan’s schemes are.  He can hide his threats and cruelty in the words of angry liars.  I am far from being invincible when interacting with an angry liar.  I am much weaker than I thought I was!  I let all that negativity soak in, and never recognized it when it came out as a falsely guilty conscience, despite the fact I love God, love to read his word, love to listen to Christian music.

I now realize that while all those actions (reading my Bible, listening to Christian music, etc.) are important and enjoyable for me, they do not make me strong enough to withstand constant insults and lies.  I simply must pull away from these people, and I must ask God to take away the residue of their anger that had hit my heart.  God can do that.  But only he can, and he will not do so if I am unwise and think I can take very much of that negativity.  I even find this is true of the news and media.  When media is too negative, I have to pull away—how much more should I do so when it is a living person speaking directly against me!

God is good.  He drew me back to him when I made this mistake.  He used my loving friends to guide me too.  He is stronger than the devil.  He will keep protecting me.  But I have to admit to my weaknesses, that I cannot handle constant criticism and lies.  I need to walk away and rebuke those lies in my heart.  He can do this for you too.  Please be aware of the bad influences of these angry people in your life too.  Limit your exposure to them and instead seek kind and godly people who lift you up.  God has great plans for your life, and I am praying for him to manifest them to you.  I pray for all of you, my readers, every day!